manna

On Sunday during worship, I heard this word spoken to my heart. I know what it means. I mean, I know what it meant to the Israelites as they wandered in the desert, COMPLETELY dependent upon God for their every need to be met. They were frustrated with God. They looked back to Egypt, and their generations of suffering seemed to pale in comparison to the life of uncertainty they were facing there in the desert. In spite of the way he rescued them, brought them across the Red Sea and separated them from a nation who had oppressed them for generations, they grumbled against him. Their hunger pangs became so loud in their ears they could not remember the horrors of Egypt. And yet even in the midst of this he proved his love and faithfulness to them by providing just enough manna for them each morning to last them the day. In fact, any gathered and kept until the next day would spoil. There were some who gathered more than they needed for the day, kept the extra until the next day, and would find worms it it when they went to eat from it. 

It's as if the loving discipline from the Lord was to hem them in and not allow them to practice distrust. He created parameters for them to function ONLY in complete dependence upon him for all of their needs to be met. His loving discipline redirected and guided them back into practicing surrender and abandonment to his providence and love. There was enough for each day. It was enough. He was enough.

After I wrote the post about letting go of trying to find the lessons for this season, and just live and breathe each moment as it comes, staying as present as possible, I feel like we have been under ridiculous attack. I cannot explain it in any other way at all. The truck we just bought around Thanksgiving basically just had to have the engine rebuilt. While we were still driving the loaner vehicle we were using while the Suburban was in the shop, Jason wrecked our Subaru last Friday and it's most likely totaled. Dakota is having seemingly endless problems in school regardless of what changes we are trying to make to make it so he DOESN'T run into other kids (read: third fight in two months). Other small things then become bigger things when you are so stressed. 

There is a lesson in manna. The daily dependence on God... it is as much of a choice on our part to choose to abandon our own striving to provide for ourselves and our needs and simply receive what he has for us. It means letting go of understanding the lack and why there is a lack, or why there is plenty... the lack or the plenty are equally enough because we are ebbing and flowing within God's hands. Within the lack God has the opportunity to show up. Within the plenty we recognize his hand and blessing and give him glory. But he gives us enough for each day. It will be okay. Manna was there each morning, ready for collection in the morning, "enough" was according to the needs of each man for the day, nothing more, nothing less. I am trying to find the manna of grace, love and peace for each day that is already provided to me, to lay back and to trust and stop worrying about things I cannot control, or stop trying to control everything which creates anxiety and fear and frustration. 

This is where -- as my pastor put it -- "the sufficiency of Christ" is proven. This is where we realize the promise of peace, joy and love (among many other beautiful things) that comes from relationship with Jesus. We have to be willing to lay back and trust; to lay back and receive. Jesus didn't promise us this abundant, trial free life, rich with blessing and minimal struggle... This "life enhancement Jesus" being preached from pulpits today seems to far off. Last time I checked we were promised persecution if we truly love him. But that the key is to know him is to partake in his sufferings (of varying levels of intensity, for sure), because in the midst of this suffering we are like him, but we also are able to draw near to him and receive from him the love and joy and peace and happiness that comes from knowing him so deeply. We can be facing intense trial and still have joy. This is available to me daily. This is profound and supersedes the pain. In my deepest places of pain and struggle I have known the nearness of Christ in a way that has helped me know him so intimately, it became the deep well that I know I am able to draw from in my trials today. The Spirit reminded me of this on Sunday. This is available to me each day. Manna for each day. He is enough. His love is enough. 

push play: fun with Jesus

If Jesus were really like this:

And God was NOT  like this:

We would all be screwed. 

Amen.

when you've been wronged...

So, a few weeks ago my husband and I attended a "fellowship group" at the home of a friend. I will leave it at that. During the course of the evening, the host of the group made a statement that was - from our perspective - borderline heretical. His very words were, and I quote*: "I'm not saying that there is no need for the bible, we would definitely be weaker without it; however, it simply can not replace a personal relationship with Jesus.  Because it is not him.  The bible is not the word of God, it's more of a treasure map that points us to him." 

Naturally, when these words were spoken, Jason and I met eyes across the room and our "red flags" went up... waaaay up. Long story short, but a debate ensued with the host, and I saw my husband get very heated, angry and passionately defend what we believe which is that 1) the Bible is the infallible, inspired Word of God from the Old Testament through the New, 2) that saying otherwise is a "new gospel" which dilutes the message of truth and the beauty of the gospel message which begins with revelations of Jesus and the Trinity all the way back to Genesis. Is he human? Yes. Did he handle it perfectly? No. But he tried his best, and the fire in his belly to defend the Word, I deeply respect. The meeting quickly adjourned. We went home grieved, distressed, and saddened by what took place, mostly because there were very vulnerable people in the room who could have been swayed by their statements. We were also grieved because we had hoped to connect with this family as friends.

I didn't tell anyone about what happened. My husband and I kept it to ourselves. We didn't talk about this with anyone - people I worked with, family, friends... no one. I decided to extend the love of Christ to my friend and maintain a friendship with her at work. Regardless of her beliefs there was no reason for me to be ugly towards her. Mostly, I felt confused but saddened about the situation.

Imagine my surprise when I stumble across her husbands blog this week to discover his account of events. This person has an international ministry, with influence and the ability to reach thousands of people with his words. Last time I checked, Paul admonished teachers to basically be squeaky clean because they'll be held to a higher level of accountability... so when I read the words "psycho", "scrawny little coward" and "moron" as descriptors for my husband in this public forum, among other hurtful statements about the both of us, I was shocked,  hurt, amazed and befuddled. 

First, I was upset for the way he described the events, which were twisted in such a way to dishonor and disrespect. I was there, there was no finger wagging, whining or woe-is-me-ing. Secondly, amazed that this person who supposedly has significant influence in ministry lacks the judgment to edit his statements about fellow brothers and sisters in Christ before he puts his statements out on the internet. Did he think that we wouldn't find out? What does he expect to achieve with his hurtful, slanderous statements? What does he think other believers (and non-believers alike) reading his statements will derive from the things he said about his fellow brothers and sisters in Christ? If you call someone a name, "Christian" or not, it's not nice. It's wrong. 

I have been on a roller coaster ever since I found his blog and read his words. Part of me really wants my friend to know that I KNOW that they have said these things about us. And she may find this blog post just as I found his. I don't really care to discuss what happened. I just really want them to know I KNOW about what they've said. I desire to defend my husband's honor. But I realize that there is no reconciling this situation. We are from two different camps... two different tribes. What would be the point of them knowing? What would it stir up that would be positive or move us towards reconciliation? How would there be justice if I were to confront the situation? 

The other side of me is really searching for God's heart. All I could think about last night was the scripture in 1 Peter 4:8: Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins. And at the end of the day, trying to make another man pay for the wrongs committed against you only keeps you in bondage, and doesn't release them to be subject to the discipline of the Lord. What would Jesus do? Sorry to be cliche, but that is exactly what has been rolling around in my head.

The things that have been coming to mind as I pray are...

• The woman caught in adultery.... she was cast down in front of the teachers of the law and the Pharisees. What does Jesus do? He is asked what they should do with her, given that the law determines she should be stoned. Jesus doesn't say anything. He bends down to write something in the dust. We don't know what he wrote. They keep questioning him. He keeps writing, and then he says, "let him without sin cast the first stone"... the teachers and Pharisees begin to draw back. Does he ever confront her or accuse her? No, he doesn't. He deals with her accusers. And then he asks her where they've all gone, now that they've examined themselves? Then he charges her to go and change her life.
• Proverbs 25:21-22: "If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; if he is thirsty, give him water to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head, and the Lord will reward you."
• God loves them just as much as he loves us. And he sees the depths of their brokenness, and he sees the depths of our brokenness, and he is grieved when his kids talk smack about one another. And I know that the Cross is the great equalizer... we ALL are guilty of the same things we accuse one another about. In Matthew 7:3, Jesus says,  "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?" I feel like I really gotta be careful about judging... that we are more righteous, and they are less righteous, because none of that matters... because we reap our judgments... All of our righteousness was as filthy rags before Jesus, but through him all things are made new and made clean and right... when we place them into his hands. 

Now I am not saying that we should all NOT confront wrongs committed against us... and just to be clear, the wrong I am struggling with here is the disrespect via name-calling that has taken place against my husband and I. There are DEFINITELY situations that require confrontation as part of the healing process for people who have been wronged. But there are times that I've found leaving well enough alone and taking the forgiveness route versus the confrontational route can be most healing, more redeeming and brings more peace. 

I'm thinking that's the route I am going to take this time. To forgive and let it go. And that's it. 

How about you? Have you ever been in this situation before? How did you handle it? What was the outcome?

*Disclaimer: The entire message from which this quote about the Bible is written out and posted on his website, and I am cutting and pasting verbatim from that message. If you would like to read the entire message, I can point you to it but via a private email message. All I can say is even taking it out of context doesn't change the fact that he said (and it is written on his website) "The Bible is not the word of God". 

machine gun preacher: go watch it.

This film has gripped me in many ways. Watch it. Then, go to the website Angels of East Africa and donate. This is a true story. This is the power of Love and the will to defend the defenseless.

Machine Gun Preacher

the sweet spot

(no, this is not what I am writing about today, however, this does seem like a pretty sweet set up!)

I've written a lot here about money, our financial struggles, and the seemingly endless transition we seem to have been in over the last few years. You've heard me belly ache about having to walk away from carts full of groceries when the food stamp money didn't come in when I thought it would, almost losing our house to foreclosure, moving, and just about every financially-induced stress I felt inclined to write about. Maybe I've done a lot of complaining. But the truth is, I am seriously looking for God in this situation... this "situation" that has turned into the day to day life... it has become our new normal, dragging on now for so long. Furthermore, there is no proverbial light at the end of this tunnel... We are as stretched thin on time and resources now as we ever have been. But, there is a sort of settling into this place that has occurred. Not because we are content with our circumstances, but because in the striving to GET OUT of this personal economic crisis, my Abba has shown up, and he has been speaking, and showing up, and purging, and keeping us vulnerable in a way that at this moment, as I write, I think I am okay with. And I think I am okay with it ending on his timing... like, if it never ends... I am starting to be okay with it...

Since I last poured out my heart about the uncertainty of this season, I have been trying to find the sweet spot of contentment... My old and dear friend Karen said something to me back in May after hearing me express my frustration with the start/stop, back and forth cash flow into our household. She said that she only found peace and joy in her circumstances when she finally embraced where she was at - that things may never change, and coming to peace with that. She was able to come to that place because Jesus was enough ... enough to meet all of her needs, enough to FULFILL and even EXCEED her needs, even to bless her to overflowing. Since that moment, her words have resonated throughout my mind and spirit... it revealed a great deficit in me of trust in God, a great restlessness that was the result of too much trust in cash flow, job stability, Jason's efforts, and my fear of judgment. It revealed SO MUCH that I have been chewing on that one thing almost exclusively for two months. I have really had to face the fact that I don't want to be happy here. I don't want to be okay with this - I am NOT okay with this, I am NOT okay with NOT eventually having the things that I want in life; having my dreams fulfilled. I mean, after all, I am not asking to be rich. I just want a backyard for my kids to play in, big enough for a garden and some chickens and to be able to go to the beach once a year. I am not asking for much, God! I mean, I believe you want to bless me. Don't you want to bless me? Isn't that your WILL? 

I've spent a lot of time thinking about the "what - ifs"... what if this is all there is for us - what if things never change... there is no golden ticket, no way out, no fulfillment of dreams, no 2 acres, nothing else... what if? Could I accept this and be content? It has challenged me as I analyze the things I'm banking on, and how tied to those things materializing are joy and peace and happiness. The truth is, we have it better than almost anyone in our situation. The truth is, this is not that bad. The truth is, "things never changing" is not bad... We don't have it "that bad", is what I tell myself. Working four or five nights a week and being away from my kids and missing them? There are single moms who work TWO jobs and never see their children. Wanting a better life for my kids and my family and a place to roam free? Yep. There are lots of people that want that that could or would never have the opportunity for that dream to become a reality. It's not that bad, I tell myself. In fact, I've wrestled with the reality that Jesus never promised us a nice, cushy life. In fact in reflecting on the life of Jesus, we're likely to find a wanderer, homeless, rejected, scorned, poor... you get the picture. He was "a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief"...

He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. Like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not. (Isaiah 53:3)

...so for me to think that it is my RIGHT to have all of these things I desire... who am I kidding? 

Yet deep in my spirit, there is this heart that wants the resources to be able to radically change someone's circumstances... radically bless them and rescue them...take away the sting of financial struggle for people in a profound way... give them the leg up in society that only a radical heart giving radically because it is compelled by the love of Christ could do... He knows that heart is in this chest... 

So, in this process of becoming okay with life as we know it... our new normal... me working nights and Jason working days split between two jobs - one that pays hourly and one that pays on commission, missing my children, missing my husband, being stretched thin and still struggling to pay our bills, with no real consistency financially, no real idea of when this is going to end... being eight and a half months into our move thinking and hoping that we would "be somewhere" by now... all of these struggles are dredging up a lot of deeper things that I believe Abba has been trying to get at. And somehow with him getting to the root of it all - which for us has been simple: Do you believe I am who I say that I am? Do you believe that I will do what I say I will do? Do you believe that I LOVE YOU? Will you cling to me for dear life... let me hold you when you cry... will you let me be your source of joy and happiness? Will you trust me for the process, even if there is no prize at the end? Am I enough? 

Is Jesus ENOUGH? 

Then comes this devotional from Jason's mentor and dear friend, Gary, last week, on a particularly hard day for us both... 

For me, I think that somehow if I can find out and do exactly what God wants, then I will be in the "sweet spot" of His will, completely blessed in unimaginable ways. Of course I have in my mind and my imagination exactly what those blessings would look like. What if God's intended blessing isn't the same blessing I would like of a happy marriage, a big house, healthy intelligent kids, nice cars, a successful business, freedom from debt, money in the bank, family vacations, and the respect of my peers. What if instead God has a completely different blessing in mind for me? ....we are usually less interested in God's will than we are in His blessing -- it is a subtle but critical distinction. Will is something we have to continue to do; blessing is the goal, the reward, and the end point. We humans and especially men are less process oriented and more focused on the end result -- in this case -- the blessing rather than the road being as much a part of the goal as the goal itself.

Cha-ching. Okay... I get it, I'm getting it... I am not sure I like it yet... but I love being vulnerable in God's hands, and watching him doing all that he's doing in us... I wouldn't change that for a thing. I wouldn't take the five figure commission check in exchange for what he is doing in us... and when I could say that to myself honestly the other day -- I thought maybe I had hit the sweet spot. The money doesn't excite me anymore. In fact, I might have more stress from trying to figure out what to do with a fat commission check than dealing with the process that we're in now, and all the things that I am seeing happen in Jason and the things I believe God is doing in me. 

And then, today, almost as if God was answering the deepest cries of my heart today, our pastor was talking about taking his oldest child to college this past weekend and how undone he was on the drive home. He realized that the culmination of all of his efforts to raise her right and make her complete and ready for the world had just taken place... she had just been released out of his care unto the mercies of adulthood, and as he shared I just became a puddle right there in the sanctuary. As he described how Father God was revealing that just as Tommy's heart was for his daughter to be complete, his heart as Father God is for us to be complete... And BAM... he reaches to the deepest places of my heart and says to me "I'm not finished yet"... meeting my deepest need, in the quietest place of my heart, a place I am ready to surrender to Him, and give back to Him, being okay with whether or not He does anything with it... and somehow he says, "you can have it back, I am not finished with it yet"... 

I feel like I am reaching the sweet spot of this place of learning to be content and okay ... It is only the love of Jesus that brings me hope, peace and comfort. He is enough, and all I need. I'm so in love with what he is is doing with my husband. I am so in love with what he is doing in our children. I am so in love with what he is doing in me, and watching him move is more exciting than anything I could ever be a part of. 

And I am so in love with HIM.

"my Lord God, I have no idea where I am going..."

“MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going.

I do not see the road ahead of me.

I cannot know for certain where it will end.

Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.

And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.

I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.

And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.

I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.” 

Thomas Merton

This morning, I called my Dad. He and my step mom are in town for a few weeks, and are nearing the end of their stay. I called to try to make arrangements for a visit, and although I shouldn't be surprised, our conversation led into something much deeper and more spiritual, where my Dad once again was hearing me pour out my heart, talk about all that is going on in my life, and once again, he was ministering to me. We always seem to end up talking for a long time when I call, and it always seems to be about the Lord and all that I think he is trying to teach me in this season we're in. I am so thankful for that. I need that in my life.

So often I am treading water, in this "I think I can" and "I think I know" and "This must be the way" sort of mentality... trying to figure God out and what the next step is. We have been in this season for a long time. We have been living financially by the seat of our pants, and though we weathered the initial months (years, really) with less worry and stress, sometime around the time that I started this blog things really began to intensify. The stresses of having zero income or very unpredictable income, the stress of almost losing our house and having to scramble to prepare a place to live, and move into two days before Christmas, the stresses of unpredictable income sources, applying for and keeping up with government benefits and adjusting to them going away, fearing family members scrutinizing our every move (meaning well, of course), moving kids from one school to another, and the list goes on... it is fair to say that these things wear heavily on your soul until basically one day you crack... you start taking things out on each other - could we be doing more? What are we doing wrong? We don't want to look like fools to our families. We don't want to seem irresponsible. How do we justify this? How do we make this happen? How do we explain ourselves? Wanting to live life and being constrained and unable to do so... so many variables that I cannot even name that all revolve around money and the lack of it... The appearance of doing nothing when we know how hard we are working... it's all so much... too much.

At the beginning of May, Jason and I decided that we were going to go all out no matter what the cost. I was going to get a job. He was going to find work wherever he could find it. He was going to work on the commission based work however hard and long he was able. By God, we were going to get the heck out of this financial rut. We were going to get our budget together and get back on Dave Ramsey's plan, finish paying off our debt, get on a savings plan, and a plan to get into our own place again and give Jason's mom her beautiful condo back (for which we have been so blessed to live in). In the month of May we both worked every day. We had a groove going. It was great. There were paychecks every week. The bills were paid. We went out to eat a little and I was able to buy Dakota some shoes/clothes he so desperately needed. It felt good. By the end of May I felt like there was some consistency there and we were able to sit down and put together our budget. I spent all day working not only on our budget, but on the debt snowball and predicted how much we could have saved at conservative incomes for both of us by this time next year. It was awesome. I felt like we had a goal and finally we were on the road to being into the next phase of our lives.

Then, right on time, the rug gets pulled out from under us. 

Jason is informed by his boss that he is leaving the company he was working for. Oh and by the way, the company doesn't want to pay you as a subcontractor anymore. You can become an employee but at a much lower rate... HEY! No problem, we'll take it. Whatever it is. We don't care. It's income. But you'll have to talk to the owner to make that happen. Guess what? Owner is out of town for weeks. Can't get in touch with him. No work = no income. 

It's like, as soon as I started trusting in the paycheck to provide, the paycheck goes away.

So, I get it God. You don't want me trusting in the paycheck. You want me trusting in You to provide. You are the paycheck. You are the source. You are the provider of work and the taker-awayer of work. I get it. I get that I need to stop trusting in my own efforts to provide for myself and trust in you. 

But this is that hardest thing. The hardest. I feel broken. I feel lost. I feel like I don't understand what he wants with me. Then the questions come as the weeks drag on... as the reality that when the car insurance hits we may go into overdraft and the little money we have will go to paying fees to the bank...

What do you want, Daddy? What do you want me to learn? I will do whatever you want. Do you want me to learn the lessons from not managing my money correctly? Okay. I will be diligent and disciplined. I will accept the consequences of my mistakes humbly. I will suck it up and keep moving forward. I will try to do better. I will give freely. Does it take me demonstrating this good stewardship for us to get out of this place? Is that what you want, so that when there's more, we'll have it? 

Do you want me completely dependent on you? 

Crossing the line from dependence on myself in any way and complete, ruthless trust and dependence on God is something I am realizing is part of becoming like Christ. All throughout on John 14 Jesus painstakingly and with great frustration tries to explain that he did nothing outside of the Father... every step, every moment, every breath he was a conduit for the Father. If we are to become like Jesus, then that means we have to do this too! In America where self-sufficiency, self-EVERYTHING is glorified, having things and money and success are all elevated, for us Christ-followers to understand that we literally have been called to lay down EVERYTHING for the sake of the Gospel, that means EVERYTHING... to sell all of our possession... he wants me to have open hands... free to receive and free to give away... I get that in my head, but oh this painful transition to my heart... I really believe that he is keeping us in this place until we throw up our hands and give up so much trying, and just allow him to massage and work in our hearts all that he wants to do... we are with the ebb and flow of his working in our lives, focused on him, not the criticisms and judgments of others, not the struggles and pain and consequences we face... but on Him, his love that is outside of time and space, how he feels about us and how he wants us to be conduits for this same love to others. There is just so much.... so much.

So today, on the phone with my Dad, as I did a few days earlier talking with my husband, I just found myself in tears. I wasn't feeling particularly emotional up front about all that I was telling him about... but somehow there is a well in me that has broken open, and I am freely grieving this transition unto complete dependence. I am throwing my hands up. I don't understand anymore and I don't know if I can ever figure it out... Dad shared the Thomas Merton quote with me above. He and my step-mom are in a similar place, and this resonated with him, and as he shared it with me, I feel the dam break open again. Yes, this is my heart. My prayer. 

Like floating on your back in the ocean... you hear the greatness of the ocean, see the great expanse of the sky... the waves will take you wherever they may... all you have to do is relax and trust. Trust that you'll stay afloat. That the direction it takes you is to shore, and you'll be safe...

I have no idea where I am going. I have no idea what tomorrow holds for us. I have $7 to my name right now. On paper, we have nothing. But my Daddy is the keeper of the cattle on a thousand hills. And that is all I need to know. 

proof of redemption

The beauty of a worship circle that is totally lacking agenda is that the music/worship/song evolves as God paints the picture... he is in control and it is always so much fun... never about "what song are we gonna do now", but always about "what's God doing now" that is so beautiful. 

At the end of our journey last night, we ended with a beautiful and drawn out meditation centered on the Gungor tune "Beautiful Things"... 

you make beautiful things

you make beautiful things out of us

you make beautiful things

you make beautiful things out of the dust...

you make me new

you are making me new

you make me new

you are making me new

I want to share the following photos in the context of redemption. Because, they are proof of redemption. They are proof that God makes beautiful things out of dust. They are proof that God takes brokenness and makes it beautiful and useful and glorifies himself in it. They are proof that God brings oil of gladness for mourning, a garment of praise for a spirit of despair, beauty for ashes... 

The community (read: church) that we are a part of now is one that we were a part of many years ago. A series of circumstances covered heavily in brokenness, division, and pain resulted in our departure from this community. Our paths remained connected through relationships that at first were strained and thin, but grew through healing and well, God just bringing people back into our lives and causing relationships to remain and some to grow. In November, after being sort of wanderers, questioning church altogether as an institution, one morning, I just felt this release to return to our old church. So we went. And we haven't left. And to say that there has been healing and redemption and a sort of "full circle", well, none of that would actually capture what being a part of this community again has meant to us.

So, here are some photos from the recent month of outings with folks in our community. Enjoy. And know that these are miracles in and of themselves. 

photos from the recent picnic

Jason always does this in pictures. Sorry.

Our gourmet picnic - chicken and wild rice salad and my dirty foot (not in the food, of course)

Friends since age 2.

Shiloh and Bella

Bella

the twinsies :)

and a birthday party the other night.

could this photo be any more flattering of my husband?

so much love in this picture. 

and since I thought I looked pretty, I took a picture of myself in the bathroom. Good times.

 The end.

more thoughts on amendment one.

As I've thought more about this subject, and what I said in my first post, I felt the need to add a few things... 

1) I believe that marriage is a sacred and spiritual covenant that was, in my opinion, designed and handed down by God to man to fulfill both parties (historically and Biblically a man and a woman) involved and for the benefit of furthering mankind. The covenant protected the man and woman and their offspring spiritually, emotionally and physically. Furthermore, the relationship between Christ and the church is described in the male/female terms of Bride and Bridegroom. Therefore, marriage is a sacred, spiritual act of making covenant with one another, historically and Biblically between a man and a woman... I believe in this sacred union. Whether or not I believe couples in homosexual relationships may enter this same covenant with God and one another is not up to me to decide. It is up to God to decide... because I do not believe that the law, any man, or any entity outside of heaven has the authority in heaven or on earth to change how God views this covenant. If he designed it this way, then that's that. So it's a moot point for any of us to get our panties into a wad about what the law says, because it really doesn't matter what the law says, since the covenant is between two people, with God... it's his deal to honor it or not honor it, not mine. It is a spiritual covenant. Now if the law attaches to it's existence things that may hurt vulnerable people, like children or anyone that may already be at risk, then I have a problem. 

2) In the case of Amendment One, it's passing DOES bring into existence things that will hurt vulnerable people, thus my concern and belief that it's passing not only crosses the line politically, but crosses the line and actually seems to punish those in unmarried heterosexual AND same-sex households. I can say with some level of certainty that I do not believe this is God's heart, nor do I think that it pleases him that this is actually being done by some in His name, when it does nothing but alienate those He came for from the church and Christianity, and actually causes harm - actual harm. 

Now if the government would stay out of everybody's personal business (provided their business does not affect the life/liberty or property of another human being) in the first place, none of this would actually matter. There would be no entitlements to strip away to begin with. But since there are, and those rights/entitlements actually provide protections under the law in circumstances where someone's life, liberty and property may be affected, well, this is cause for serious concern.

Since I am unsure how many of you may have clicked the link to read about what actually will happen to those affected by the passing of this law, here are a few details - please be advised, this doesn't just affect same-sex relationships, but ANY domestic partnership:

Source: protectallncfamilies.org

A child of an unmarried parent could lose their health care and prescription drug coverage.

A child could be taken away from a committed parent who has loved them their entire life if something happens to the other parent.


It threatens existing child custody and visitation rights that are designed to protect the best interests of a child.

Amendment One would interfere with protections for unmarried couples to visit one another in the hospital and to make emergency medical and financial decisions if one partner is incapacitated. 

Any couple that isn’t married could have their legal protections revoked. 

Passing down of a family’s legacy and prosperity (a family's will and trust) could be invalidated by the amendment.

Only married women would qualify for domestic violence protections. Unmarried women would be left vulnerable to their attackers and stalkers.

Women in Ohio have already been through this. When Ohio’s amendment passed, which was less dangerously broad than Amendment One, abusers were released from jail and cases were thrown out of court.

A single or widowed senior couple could be forced to marry to keep their legal protections, which would cause them to lose benefits such as pensions, health care, and social security.

And with all that being said, I leave you with a few scriptures: 

For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’ Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’ “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’ (Matthew 25: 35-41)

Blessed are the poor in spirit,  for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn,  for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. (Matthew 5:3-10)

amendment one.

So, I begin this post with great trepidation ... anticipating judgment from my family and friends and possibly even my church community. And that's okay. 

I'll cut to the chase. I'm not happy that Amendment One was passed today in North Carolina. Not happy at all. 

I guess because I am a Christ-follower, that means I must be lumped with "those barbarians" as described by Sarah Silverman on the twitter #amendmentone hash tag feed... I guess, because I am a Christian, you would expect me, naturally, to agree that the government - state or federal, whatever - should define marriage for me, and everyone else, because you know, homosexuality is a sin, and those homosexual "sinners" must have the government stick it to 'em, illegitimize their relationships, since of course, God must not recognize their long term commitments or unions as being anything of consequence to them or anyone involved. 

There are a couple of facets to this issue for me. One, the older I get, the more I pay attention to politics and follow my heart, and the more I reference the Constitution, the more I realize that the government has absolutely no business whatsoever in the private affairs of it's citizens, unless those affairs affect the life, liberty and property of another person, in which case of course, there would be a law broken and grounds to prosecute the person who broke that law. This includes the issue of gay marriage. The truth of the matter is, if a person is gay, and that person has a partner who they want to marry and commit to for the rest of their life, has absolutely no affect on my legal rights or my marriage. Period. So frankly, from a purely political perspective, it shouldn't even be a political issue. The problem is, it has been made a political issue now in 30 states, and attached to "it" - the "definition of marriage" - are all kinds of protections, rights and entitlements that upon establishment of "it" by the government, those who do not fit within that definition have said protections, rights and entitlements stripped away. You can read more about the potentially devastating effects of this here. In a nutshell, some of the most vulnerable in our society would be horribly, negatively affected. There is something very, very wrong about this thing that some believe is so very, very right. 

And since we're talking about those that are most vulnerable... last time I checked, Jesus pretty much was all about those who were most vulnerable; those that were outcast, unloved - the dredges of society... in fact, last time I checked, he spent a great deal of his time in ministry just hanging out with those folks... the rejected, abandoned, mocked and the lost causes. He continually upset the religious establishment with his message from the Father, doing only what he saw the Father doing, the new covenant of Love, that would bring all men into right relationship with God through his eventual and ultimate sacrifice, planned from the foundations of the world. Folks, I could go on and on about this, but right now, with as much energy as we spent debating about "gay marriage", we need to be building each other up in love to reach out and show the love of Christ to our lesbian, gay, transgender and bi-sexual neighbors. Cause frankly, that's what Jesus would do, and would have done, and well, does. 

Yes, I know what the Bible says about homosexuality. I also know what it says about all kinds of other sins and chances are we are all - including myself - guilty of committing those sins, even some habitually. The Cross is The Great Equalizer. And if that is true, why do you treat this community of people, many of whom already have strained relationships with their families, have endured great pain and loss to "find themselves" and be true to who they believe themselves to be, searching for any kind of peace in this world, those who are perpetually scorned and misunderstood even by secular society, with the same - if not worse - kind of treatment than the world? This is the kind of stuff that turns me off from mainstream Christianity, and leaves me longing for more and more of communion with others who long to truly follow Christ, weigh the cost of discipleship, and want to hold each other up and help each other to step out and be the Love of Christ to those who need to see it most. I need that... so badly.

The bottom line is, I am concerned about the hearts and lives of the people who will be affected by this amendment. I am concerned about the further reach of government into the affairs of its citizens. However, I am encouraged to find that so many other believers stand in agreement that the law itself is not so much what matters, it is how the law affects the most vulnerable - in heart, mind, body and spirit - that makes it unjust. It is about the heart; about the love. His love changes, and we need a lot more of that love in and through us. Jesus often overlooked the law of the day in the interests of redemption... look at the woman caught in adultery... enough said, right? We need to love like he loved, and if that is all we seek to do in this life, it would be more than enough. 

Here are a couple of links to inspire you.

The Marin Foundation

Chicago Pride Parade Reconciliation

a body in perspective

There's been a bit of a struggle around here (in my head) lately.

I suppose I stopped taking care of myself the way I know that I should.

Back at the end of January, I bought 5-HTP and started taking it at night to help with depression. We'd been through a rough season in the previous months leading up to that point and were just starting to settle into our "new" home, and trying to get into the swing of when and how Jason would be working the insurance gig + trying to make enough money on the side to cover our bills, and whether or not I should take on a part time job, and whether or not that would interfere with Jason doing all that he needed to be doing for our future. The stresses of the season had really taken a toll and I knew I needed something... the deep dark hole of discontent was wet with tears and slippery with snot, and I wasn't sure I could gaze any further into my navel. So I decided that I needed the help, and on top of that I'd decided to start eating better and trying to get out in the woods more + exercising by way of long walks, etc. We kinda got into a groove there... I was cooking more gluten free for the whole family and back to eating more raw food, exercising a few days a week (mostly taking walks in the woods) and the 5-HTP seemed to have taken the edge off and I was consistently feeling better about myself and life in general.

And then we went to Chicago. A week of meat and dumplings and potatoes, no exercise and running out of 5-HTP in the middle of our busy and stressful week of non-stop work was the beginning of a few weeks of a downward spiral.

Backing up a bit... something I have been trying to come to grips with... my body... if I was eating right, trying to exercise as much as possible - keeping everything in balance with everything else I have to do around here - and things (meaning, my body) didn't really change, well, then I could be okay with that. After I weaned Noah, I went through a majorly low time of really struggling with how I felt about my body. I'd nursed Shiloh well into my pregnancy with Noah, and when I finally weaned Noah and the aftermath of three+ years of consecutive pregnancy/nursing set in... I was devastated. Literally my boobs went almost completely away - from a 34B to less than an A. Forget the fact that I already have had issues on and off with self-loathing in the past - never feeling "enough" and then adding to that the fact that I'd cut all my hair off a few months before, I just felt completely gross. I know in the grand scheme of things, none of this really matters, but when it's something you struggle with, well it's hard to just ignore. I am not super skinny. I don't have perfect legs, hair or skin. I'm pretty, but not that pretty. Just never enough. I've never felt like I was completely okay with myself. But I guess I have never been very driven to try to change that... never one to work out hard or anything like that. When I was exercising and eating better, I really didn't think about this stuff as much. It just wasn't high up in my consciousness anymore. I suppose I valued health over anything. But let me be clear... I have spent more time in my life concocting plans to "get in shape" than actually executing said plans... it's ridiculous.

But since I've stopped the routine I had going in February and March, I started noticing that the bugs in my head were returning. It didn't take long for me to realize why from a very practical perspective.

Then intersects this experience: we were in Waynesville, NC visiting with our friends at Camp Bethel. What our friends do is serve the poor and underprivileged, and rescue children/foster children and rescue animals ... they are - in short - awesome, and truly trying to live out their walk with Jesus. They have many acres in a cove in the mountains around Waynesville where they all live communally but aim to live lives of service and sacrifice. "Church" is held at this soup kitchen in Frog Level called "Open Door" on Sunday mornings ... the place looks like any old-town store-front restaurant space without all the embellishments, the rickety hardwood floors magnifying the sound.of each of the homeless folks trying to slip in slowly and sit down to just wait. The ones that arrive early are there for the service, which is directed by our friends Kalon and Richard. I helped lead worship this particular week, but most of the time Kalon does. Most of the folks don't really interact with one another. They just sit around tables. And wait. Haggard, some wasted, all tired. All poor. Some young, most old. All there to be comforted in both body and spirit. This particular week the meal being served was to be chicken, so the place was unusually packed, according to a certain fellow I met named William, whose facial expression did not change throughout the morning... he looked concerned, without change regardless of whether what was going on around him was good, bad or ugly. I tried talking to him, but he just stared at me with concern. The only things he said were about the fact that the place was more packed than usual, and that Shiloh's seat next to him was encroaching on his personal space. He ate, and like the others, left when they were finished with their meals.

When I left that place, I became very much aware of how this perspective had completely shifted and challenged the self-focused position I had found myself in the weeks preceding. 

It is as if an hour of serving people who needed something so much more than I do, being with those who Jesus himself says among whom he may be found, created or caused a shift inside of me... caused me to become complete instantaneously.

That I had become so spiritually and emotionally fat from feeding myself and my own needs and being so inwardly focused that pouring out for someone else had created balance that brought peace... the balance that only living for others in greater proportion to living for ourselves can bring... the balance that understanding the simple message of Jesus and walking it out could bring to my whole mind, body and spirit. And yet this is still not about me... though in it there is peace and a reward of contentment and fulfillment - that Jesus cares for every detail of being available to him  - to be used by him... there is 100% fulfillment of my needs to feel complete and whole, and fulfillment of the needs of whoever it is I have served and loved with his love...

Sooo... what I am walking away with is that not only is it beneficial for me to take care of myself, but that in taking care of others, there is both a physical and spiritual benefit that brings spiritual, emotional and physical peace and balance. That not only do I need to take the 5-HTP, or Holy Basil (as I am taking now), and resuming my walks and eating well, but the lack of pouring out and living as a true follower of Jesus has caused me to grow spiritually fat, the side effects of which sicken my whole being. It's as if I have come to understand the fullness of even the "benefits" of walking out my faith... that Jesus has taken to account every single detail... "that we might have life and have it to the fullest"... that's what he meant!! Even if our circumstances are terrible, that in the spirit, in our hearts, minds and emotions that we might have a fullness that supercedes all the crap in our flesh, and the focus of our flesh. 

source

It's time for me to begin walking out the desires that God has been stirring up in me to serve and love the poor... in it I believe he is trying to bring me to a place of balance, where I have both contentment and peace in my heart and mind, and contentment and fulfillment, and fullness of life... in conjunction with caring for this body and mind via the gifts of nature and nutrition that God has given us, there is something much greater and more beautiful and life-giving about pouring yourself out that brings more health and life to the mind and the body than any external thing possibly could. 

The fountains from which love flows are in God, not in us. It is absurd to think that the love of God is naturally in our hearts, as a result of our own nature. His love is there only because it “has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit . . .” 

(Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, April 30th)