things are about to change

I have some news. 

So, a few weeks ago, Jason got a call for a job opportunity with a company we'd gotten a lead for from my sister back in February. As he has many times before, he submitted his resume and entered the waiting game.  Jason had been hired on full time doing carpentry work for the company my step-dad works at but it was temporary and we knew that, no matter how much it sucked. So he had to continue to look for other work even while working.

Around the first or second week of March, Jason got a call from this particular company to interview for a position that would use his skill set in the insurance arena. He went in promptly for an interview and was brought back the same day for a second interview. We waited a couple of days and received another call to schedule a third interview. During those couple of days, Jason was informed by HR that the company was going to make an offer. We were very excited and hopeful because this meant a job that was more along his "career path" and possible benefits. We desperately need benefits. So yeah, we were excited.

A couple of months before that, I started thinking about looking for daytime employment. I love my job at Table and Main. But the time away from my family at night and having no weekends at all really wears on us. Jason and I spend so much time apart, and we never have time for dates or just hanging out. The schedule with him working days and me working nights was not ideal, but we didn't really see a way out of it. I did look for just basic admin work, sent out a couple of resumes but that was it. And I prayed. I specifically said, "God, if you want me to work during the day you have to bring me a job. Please give me a job." That was it - nothing fancy. I didn't actively look for anything beyond that week and I didn't really pray that much about it beyond that week. I received no calls. I also never really thought about applying for the corporate world because I didn't have a degree. Any advancements I'd made in my nine years at Avaya was from sheer will and determination. I thought a degree was everything with the pool of applicants so large these days. So I never ever thought about corporate as an option... corporate salary, corporate benefits as I used to enjoy them would never be again, or so I thought. 

In the last four years of struggle, of feeling like the future was hopeless, having no real "life" or ability to enjoy it with my family and kids, I pined a bit for the "way things used to be". My therapist told me once that I didn't have to be part of the system, I just needed to make the system work for me. The perks of employment in corporate America are big when you are trying to raise a family and have a lifestyle that you enjoy. And it can be a vehicle for us, especially in our situation, to really get on our feet and move on to better places and spaces (financial freedom, a home, some land, all that we dream of). The thing is, when there's no money, it's hard. Money's not everything. That's for sure. If you can't learn to LIVE when there's no money, if you can't learn to TRUST when there's no money, what is it all for? What has all of this been for, this season? We have had tremendous support from our family, and we have sought many different and creative avenues to support ourselves. But we have grown tired and weary. We are thankful, and we have learned to let go and trust, but still, weary. We found ourselves recently in the in-between spot of making a few too many bucks a month to qualify for food stamps and Medicaid, but not enough to thrive on our own. Weary.

So then, during a certain conversation Jason had with the HR contact at the company he mentioned my background and was told to encourage me to submit my resume as they were hiring for multiple positions. This company is HUGE... a multi-national corporation with many different areas of focus. I thought I would be applying for a job in the same position Jason had been offered. So I submitted my resume. When we realized how close the offices were to our home (0.6 miles - that's walking distance folks), I thought, "hey! it would be fun to work with Jason, walk to work, make more money, have benefits, have nights and weekends back..."... all good, all promising and hope-inspiring thoughts. 

Then, on Monday the 8th, Jason talked to the HR lady again when he received his written offer. The compensation he was offered was not really ideal, but it wasn't less than what he was making doing carpentry, so we figured it was worth it. In conversation with HR it was mentioned that I was being considered for a training support position with a salary I never ever thought I would earn again in my life. It was almost what I was making when I got laid off from Avaya. I was shocked and excited. This would change our life for sure... if Jason and I both worked full time, we would be back to where we were income-wise before we both lost out jobs. It felt surreal and like God to bring something like to this TO ME, after I had asked him to do it... Like, he straight up had answered this prayer.

I was scheduled for an interview on that Wednesday, the 10th.

I went to Goodwill on Tuesday and bought a Liz Claiborne skirt and brown pumps. I found Jason's late uncle's crisp white shirt and tried it on (it fit - little Czech people :) ). I got my outfit figured out, hung it up on the door frame, and let the butterflies start compounding.

Wednesday morning, I walked into that ginormous building and went through a grueling three hour interview. Part of the interview included creating a presentation based on whatever business somethingeruther I could drum up... I chose call quality and made a five slide presentation in 45 minutes and did a 15-20 minute presentation on it (digging deep here, people!) which I felt really good about. Then I was questioned for another hour and a half by the lady who would be my boss and then by her boss... it was very intense and I was asked some very hard questions. I was asked at one point to critique each person in the room ... yeah... ... asked to sell myself unashamedly... I had to do all of that and then some. I had to work at the restaurant later that day and I was completely worn out. I hoped that what I gave them in three hours was worth something and let it go.

I received a call promptly on Thursday offering me the position at the full salary option with benefits starting day one. 

I got light headed.

I called Jason. Then my Mom. Then my Dad. Then my mother-in-law. Then my boss. 

It was happening. This was really happening. Life was about to change. All that we had hoped for was about to become a reality. All that we had struggled for, and hoped for, about to happen. All of our financial goals - not a pipe dream. About to become reality. I just couldn't believe this had come to me. 

The only downer was that because Jason and I would be working in the same basic area, due to conflict of interest we had to choose between us who was going to accept their offer. Naturally since my job was going to be better for the family, we chose for me to go, and I think Jason felt released - not offended. Our level of trust in God has become so that we don't really worry. I have had my moments wishing it were both of us going to work full time, as the week that he received his offer, his temporary assignment doing the carpentry job was completed, and now he is out of work (though his Mom has graciously provided an opportunity for him to earn money building a fence for her). But the HR contact sent his information on to a business partner who competes with them for talent, and there is the chance Jason will be able to pick up a job doing carpentry with a friend, and there is a lot of positive activity happening with the start up he is working for on commission... so who knows what God is doing? Another investment is coming in here in the next couple of weeks that he will get a commission on... so many great things, we are just going to trust. I have had my moments of worrying and feeling like my bubble got a little burst with him not working full time also as that still sets us back a little until we are able to really start paying down our debt... but again... I have to trust. 

There are so many wonderful things and signs that this is God's providence. The childcare we have for our kids is amazing. Literally the lady caring for our kids lives in our neighborhood and is so affordable, and has a degree in Early Childhood Education. The kids adore her. I can walk to work too which is such a wonderful thing, given that most people in Atlanta commute 30-45 minutes to their jobs. I can take lunch breaks, walk into the woods and sit on a mossy green rock overlooking the creek. I can explore trail running after work if I bring my shoes... And, to top it off, when I gave my two weeks notice at the restaurant, the maitre d' that had worked there when I first started and left to go to school had just asked my boss to come back and pick up shifts... so I had no one to train and my boss didn't have to worry about hiring and training another maitre d' - a blessing to him and to me. It just felt like every detail being taken care of was bringing me more and more peace and assurance that this was God's hand in this. 

My first day is Monday, April 29th. 

On March 24th (the weekend after Jason had the first two interviews), during Night of Worship at church, a lady got up toward the end of the service to give a word. She said she saw a bulb (like a flower bulb) all shriveled up... so much life and potential in that bulb just waiting to come forth, and there was someone (US) who saw themselves as the bulb, feeling like we had so many dreams and hopes that would never come to life... that the Winter season we had been in had been so intense and long that we wondered when it would ever end. The word was that the season is almost over. "Rise up, man of God", "Rise up, woman of God" - the season is almost over and God has used this season to shape you for your destiny. The life is about to come forth that you've dreamed of.

I can only hope that this is the beginning of the answer to that dreaming. A step in the many steps that we have to take to reach that place. A place that God will carry us to. Indeed, he has brought us this far. He will finish the work.

at 6 am on a Wednesday...

Well, it's not actually 6am. I lie. It's 6:12 and I am just starting this post, so by the time I'm done, I reckon it will be somewhere closer to 7am but who really cares about these details... I am still waking up and stuff so just bear with me.

I am not normally up at this hour though I aspire to be an early riser... to get in just another hour of alone time to do things like work on my blog or my shop. Or just take a shower in the morning before "work" like a normal person instead of squeezing one in at like twenty minutes before it's time for me to leave for work... like, actually leave. Which I have learned I can do - shower, get dressed, blow dry my hair, etc in fifteen minutes flat. Miraculous.

No, no. The reason I am up so early is because my husband secured a job (albeit temporary but what else is new) where he'll be doing carpentry type work making a decent wage which hopefully will turn into something "permanent-ish". Today is his first day, and he has to be at work at 7AM... and he has to make a 45 minute drive to get there, so I decided to get up with him and try to start having some quiet time in the morning (read: not necessarily quiet time in the Christianese sense). At this point in our lives I am not one to really get my hopes up about anything. It seems to be the norm for us that Jason has a job for merely weeks... we get our hopes up that this is the new normal, and then the bottom falls out and we're back at square one again. 

The truth is we have it so much better than other people in our situation... and we were talking about this just last night. For us, the problem is and has always been lack of perspective. The last five years have seen the ruin of many families as a result of the economic downturn. Our story is very similar in many ways to the stories of others. I had a corporate job where I'd worked for nine years, making $60K a year with full benefits, working from home. Jason had a secure job as well with a stable insurance company and he also worked from home. We had a comfortable but modest home in the 'burbs. We were on Dave Ramsey's plan getting debt paid off by thousands each month, still taking vacations, making modifications to our home with cash, going shipping, eating well, etc. Very gradually all of that disappeared, including the house. When my job went, I saw it as an opportunity to explore a different means of income for myself. I was idealistic and naive. I didn't realize what was coming. Jason and I thought we could make it through anything and emerge unscathed, the effects of having less really affecting no aspect of our relationship or quality of our home life. Then his job went and he had no ability to collect unemployment. Suddenly we went from an income of $7-$8K per month to less that $1500. Um, yeah. So it started to get bad. Then, paying the mortgage went to the back burner. Then, everything else started to heat up... long time readers will remember... 

So we joined the ranks of the unfortunate millions who lost everything that was "normal" to join the new normal which looks like this: many parents working two and three jobs, like ships passing in the night, have kids in daycare, have lost their homes, are on food stamps and Medicaid, have bills that stay past due (just pay the past due every month to keep stuff on), keep the resume updated looking for that next big break so that they can go back to the old normal. The thing is we have never really had it hard. It felt really hard at times but on paper, it wasn't in comparison to others. When we almost lost our house we got to move into a place where we could live rent-free until we could get on our feet. Who gets that!? No one. We knew we would never face homelessness or hunger. I heard about a mother from a friend who works for a local homeless ministry in town who showed up at a shelter with her three children, having just lost her home, unable to find work, she found herself homeless with three children and no support system. I cannot imagine. This keeps it in perspective for me. Jason and I were talking about this last night. 

There are so many men (and women) who would die to have a full time job, even temporarily. The reality of it is that this is how many American families have to do things... and they don't have the extreme privilege of living somewhere rent free to get back on their feet. Jason has been working the side-gig as a sort of investment broker and has really high hopes for the company he has been working for to really take off, and I am with him on that, but we can't put our financial future on hold waiting. I think it grieves him to have such limited flexibility now with his schedule but the fact that his hours are 7AM to 3:30PM could not be more ideal, because it gives him the time to make phone calls and possibly schedule a late afternoon meeting if he needed to. Letting go and trusting God with his efforts to make something happen with the side work he has been doing as an investment broker is hard for Jason. He really wants to spend time on the stuff that will help our family long term, but he has to give that up to help our family achieve its long term goals via Plan B. The truth is, many men in this country don't have a Plan A like Jason has ... this opportunity to raise capital for this company and be compensated for it and have a white collar job later is not something he ever dreamed he'd have the chance of doing. Letting go and trusting God with the outcome of all of his efforts is super hard for him right now, but knowing that God is seriously taking care of us through the hands and hearts of friends near and far, shows us that we are in his hands and that he is truly taking care of us and providing for our needs. 

For example... just in the last six weeks... a $1,000 check arrived in the mail from a friend I have seen in many many moons right after Christmas, when we were down to NOTHING. A $100 bill handed to me via an anonymous donor at church on Sunday, when we were down again to NOTHING. Opportunities to make money between jobs that took care of all of our needs to pay bills and feed the family and put gas in cars...

I sent this pic to Jason after this was handed to me on Sunday.

God has provided for us. In miraculous ways. And he will continue to do so. He knows our needs. The only thing that has prevented me from seeing this and trusting has been worry. Worrying hasn't changed anything at all. He has still provided even in the midst of this worry and fear. I am trying to trust... trying to believe. 

We have this "plan" which means he works 40 hours a week making a certain amount... we pay our bills and have money to live on. Then whatever I make is butter... we put each paycheck towards debt/savings and over time if NOTHING CHANGES we get back out of debt and can save something.... get our credit cleaned up, on our feet, etc. 

We are having to start something ELSE new today as well which is put the kids in daycare for a little bit. On the days that I have to work, my hours will overlap with Jason's hours. Since we need to keep my job in order to achieve our goals, we've been in search of a daycare/home care situation to be able to drop the little kids off for a few hours until Daddy gets home. The beautiful thing is we were able to find just that right here in our neighborhood!!! I cannot tell you how excited I am that I just have to walk my kids down the street and they are in the care of a super sweet lady who has super affordable prices. Add to this fact that Jason is able to get off early enough to get Dakota picked up so he doesn't have to ride the bus ... or if he can't get him picked up, this lady's husband has a transportation service where he could pick Dakota up if needed... it's just all very comforting to me as a mother. I am a little anxious about it but overall feeling good and thankful for an ideal situation such as this. 

When I sat down this morning I really had no idea where this post was going. But here I am. I just ask for your prayers - even just little ones - for grace as we transition into this new schedule. On the days I work (3-4 days a week) I won't see Jason at all except in the early morning and late at night when I get home from work. Pray for our relationship. Pray for my kids. I really hope also that this would be a consistent and reliable job for Jason, and that he would see God's hand in it, and that we would be able to reach a deeper level of trust in the Lord for all that he is doing and continues to do in our lives. 

Also please pray that we sell the Suburban we just bought. Jason totaled the Subaru a couple weeks ago and we were able to buy a family-friendly truck in it's place, and now we are trying to sell the Suburban so we can get a more gas-efficient vehicle for him to drive to and from work in. 

That is all. Thanks for reading. 

bloggy-blog all stars: repost # 2: the power of acceptance from 10/11

Hey friends! I thought as part of my posts this week I would include a few reposts of YOUR favorite blog posts I've ever put up here. 

One of the most loved posts I ever shared was "The Power of Acceptance". I wrote this very candidly about some of my past and the things I was struggling with about what was facing us in our immediate future. It is pretty raw. It's good for me to see how far we've come. I hope it'll mean something to you to read it and connect with this space. 

Published on October 25, 2011

ac·cept

 verb \ik-ˈsept, ak- also ek-\

Definition of ACCEPT

transitive verb

1

a : to receive willingly ;accept a gift;b : to be able or designed to take or hold (something applied or added);a surface that will not accept ink;

2

: to give admittance or approval to; accept her as one of the group;

3

a : to endure without protest or reaction; accept poor living conditions;b : to regard as proper, normal, or inevitable;the idea is widely accepted;c : to recognize as true : believe; refused to accept the explanation;

4

a : to make a favorable response to; accept an offer;b : to agree to undertake (a responsibility); accept a job;

5

: to assume an obligation to pay; also : to take in payment; we don't accept personal checks;

6

: to receive (a legislative report) officially

intransitive verb

: to receive favorably something offered —usually used withof; a heart more disposed to accept of his — Jane Austen;

When I hit 25, I subsequently hit a wall. I was not making great decisions. I was dating Jason, We were desperately in love, but we were exactly living "right", or treating each other with much respect and our relationship was getting rockier. I was struggling between not wanting to be a part of the system, but knowing that I DID eventually want stability in my life, and have the house and the kids and all that. But I'd just left all that behind the year before, including my son for about six months (I let him go live with his Dad, and his Dad turned around and took him out of state... loooong story, very painful, I probably WON'T tell you about it sometime...lots of shame... but anyway). After my divorce, I sold my house very quickly and moved in with my Mom for six months, then into my own place near her for six months, and then moved yet AGAIN, this time to the city, where I lived in an amazing apartment in Buckhead (north of downtown Atlanta, but in the city), surrounded by wonderfully giving and precious gay men, who watched over me and took care of me....

During that year that I lived in that apartment, everything changed for me. It was an incredibly tumultuous year, struggling with my ex, the situation with my son, the situation with my living situation - can I say "situation" any more? It ended beautifully because I made GOOD choices - and Jason and I ended up engaged, my son came back, etc. Part of what helped me was that I sought counseling from this guy that had worked with my Mom for years, and with me and my ex for a time when we were trying to work through some hard stuff. He's really cut and dried, and will tell it to you straight. This was a different kind of counseling than I had sought before. In the past I'd gone to a Christian counselor who had helped me work through some spiritual issues, but what I was dealing with couldn't have been handled by one of those guys. I needed tough love from a native Italian New Yorker who could set me straight and help me get my head in the game, so that I could be sure my future was ultimately what I wanted it to be, and not the result of more bad and reckless choices rooted in a desire to be outside of the system, off the grid, out of the mainstream... basically I just wanted to smoke pot and be a flower child forever, but I realized I was growing up and needed to act like it, and I needed Jesus, and I needed to be a good Mom, and I needed to figure out this relationship with Jason because I loved him and I didn't want to lose him.

So, let me cut to the chase. 

Ed (my therapist, counselor, what-have-you - and I get all warm and fuzzy when I think of him) taught me about the power of acceptance. And he taught me about the power of making RIGHT choices. 

First - he taught me that I cannot waste any more energy trying to change, or experiencing anxiety and inner turmoil about, the things that I CANNOT CHANGE. Those things that are beyond my power to control, I need to release them BY ACCEPTING THEM. This is a universal truth and act that the result of which allows the subject of your anxiety to be subject to the consequences of itself in the universe (and I promise I am not being new agey, just hear me out...)... the universal/Biblical law of reaping and sowing... when we interfere by enabling something or someone, trying to change something or someone, we are actually keeping it from being subject to the thing that will shape it, mold it, cause it to experience the ripple effect of it's own existence, and thereby changing accordingly. 

When I failed to accept my ex for who he was, all of the good and the bad, etc (I won't say more than this, I want to be respectful), and failed to accept him, just as he was, not only was I personally bound up by fear and anxiety, but he was not totally subject to the result of his own choices in the spiritual realm. 

When I failed to accept myself, and the choices I had made that led me to the place where I was, I was unable to grow and move forward. This is otherwise known as DENIAL. Somehow within denial, we still strive and struggle, we don't completely ignore the thing we're denying, we still wake up and look at it like it just appeared there that morning, and we hadn't seen it before, and start trying to do the same thing over and over to make it go away, or cope with its existence, or whatever. It makes us look like we're not in denial about it, but really we are. 

However...

When we accept something/someone/something about someone:

We make a full and comprehensive evaluation of that person, good, bad, ugly, etc. We say, I don't want to change you, You are who you are, I accept you. I do not want to change you. I do not want you to change you. I release you, and simulaneously receive you unto myself, as you are, complete, whole, flaws, perfections, all of it. 

When we do the same with a situation versus a person, we examine everything that led us here, we step back, make a review of every detail, we check our emotions at the door, yet still acknowledge that they're there... and we realize that we are powerless to do anything about the past; the cumulative result of events, the history that is the now, and we breathe it in, breathe it out - it is what it is. 

So why am I saying all of this?

I think that one of the hardest things I am working through right now is just coming to a place of acceptance of things and people in my life... not trying to change them or the circumstances, not trying to cause something to be something it's not, just accepting it. I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW that if I can do this, I will have less anxiety, less frustration with myself and others, a greater level of contentment, allow myself to remain in the moment every moment of every day, and so on. 

In conjunction with this, as mentioned earlier, if the situation is something that I want to see change in, I ought to make RIGHT decisions, to ensure that the future - which is always a cumulative result of all of our choices - looks the way I intended it to look (free will) and is in accordance with God's will (which I believe is the path of peace... the wisdom of God brings peace).

So....

Here is a laundry list of things I am working on accepting right now:

1. We are going to be moving soon. Either we're going to lose our house, or sell it. Our kids and family will be uprooted. We'll be out of our comfort zone, as will the kids. This is going to be hard. It's going to happen. 
2. My son is different. I need to think in terms of a parent of an Asperger's child, and stop trying to fit him into the mold of a neurotypical child, accepting him for who he is.
3. It is less important for my house to be spotless than it is for me to spend quality time with my children. The house can wait.
4. It is less important for me to work on my blog or my shop than for me to spend quality time with my husband late at night. The blog and the shop can wait.
5. My ex may never change. Must learn how to pray for him. 
6. I may never ever have all the laundry done at once. I may always have two or three loads in flux at any given time. It doesn't matter - I need to accept that it doesn't matter. 
7. I may never be a B cup again. Yes, I am an A cup again, haven't been that since HIGH SCHOOL. Thank you, 40 months of breastfeeding, and to my babies for sucking the very life out of my boobs. 
8. I cut all my hair off. I did it. It's done. Time to accept it - stop mourning it, and be patient because IT WILL GROW. 
9. I cannot eat like a bird every single day. It's not realistic. 
10. It is going to be uber stressful and hard on days when I am home with the kids alone without Jason. Need to accept this and learn how to cope.
11. The floors will never be perfectly clean. There will always be dog hair everywhere.
12. My skin will never be perfectly clear no matter how old I get.
13. And speaking skin, the wrinkles have made their debut. It's all downhill from here. Beauty is fleeting. Accept it.
14. Must accept that my husband processed and works through things differently than I do. Not at my speed, not even close to the same way. His way is not wrong. It is what it is. The result is good.
15. This blog/etsy shop thing may take a looooong time to grow. Patience. 
16. Things may get worse before they get better. One day at a time.

What are you working on accepting?

Love, Brooke

the sweet spot

(no, this is not what I am writing about today, however, this does seem like a pretty sweet set up!)

I've written a lot here about money, our financial struggles, and the seemingly endless transition we seem to have been in over the last few years. You've heard me belly ache about having to walk away from carts full of groceries when the food stamp money didn't come in when I thought it would, almost losing our house to foreclosure, moving, and just about every financially-induced stress I felt inclined to write about. Maybe I've done a lot of complaining. But the truth is, I am seriously looking for God in this situation... this "situation" that has turned into the day to day life... it has become our new normal, dragging on now for so long. Furthermore, there is no proverbial light at the end of this tunnel... We are as stretched thin on time and resources now as we ever have been. But, there is a sort of settling into this place that has occurred. Not because we are content with our circumstances, but because in the striving to GET OUT of this personal economic crisis, my Abba has shown up, and he has been speaking, and showing up, and purging, and keeping us vulnerable in a way that at this moment, as I write, I think I am okay with. And I think I am okay with it ending on his timing... like, if it never ends... I am starting to be okay with it...

Since I last poured out my heart about the uncertainty of this season, I have been trying to find the sweet spot of contentment... My old and dear friend Karen said something to me back in May after hearing me express my frustration with the start/stop, back and forth cash flow into our household. She said that she only found peace and joy in her circumstances when she finally embraced where she was at - that things may never change, and coming to peace with that. She was able to come to that place because Jesus was enough ... enough to meet all of her needs, enough to FULFILL and even EXCEED her needs, even to bless her to overflowing. Since that moment, her words have resonated throughout my mind and spirit... it revealed a great deficit in me of trust in God, a great restlessness that was the result of too much trust in cash flow, job stability, Jason's efforts, and my fear of judgment. It revealed SO MUCH that I have been chewing on that one thing almost exclusively for two months. I have really had to face the fact that I don't want to be happy here. I don't want to be okay with this - I am NOT okay with this, I am NOT okay with NOT eventually having the things that I want in life; having my dreams fulfilled. I mean, after all, I am not asking to be rich. I just want a backyard for my kids to play in, big enough for a garden and some chickens and to be able to go to the beach once a year. I am not asking for much, God! I mean, I believe you want to bless me. Don't you want to bless me? Isn't that your WILL? 

I've spent a lot of time thinking about the "what - ifs"... what if this is all there is for us - what if things never change... there is no golden ticket, no way out, no fulfillment of dreams, no 2 acres, nothing else... what if? Could I accept this and be content? It has challenged me as I analyze the things I'm banking on, and how tied to those things materializing are joy and peace and happiness. The truth is, we have it better than almost anyone in our situation. The truth is, this is not that bad. The truth is, "things never changing" is not bad... We don't have it "that bad", is what I tell myself. Working four or five nights a week and being away from my kids and missing them? There are single moms who work TWO jobs and never see their children. Wanting a better life for my kids and my family and a place to roam free? Yep. There are lots of people that want that that could or would never have the opportunity for that dream to become a reality. It's not that bad, I tell myself. In fact, I've wrestled with the reality that Jesus never promised us a nice, cushy life. In fact in reflecting on the life of Jesus, we're likely to find a wanderer, homeless, rejected, scorned, poor... you get the picture. He was "a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief"...

He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. Like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not. (Isaiah 53:3)

...so for me to think that it is my RIGHT to have all of these things I desire... who am I kidding? 

Yet deep in my spirit, there is this heart that wants the resources to be able to radically change someone's circumstances... radically bless them and rescue them...take away the sting of financial struggle for people in a profound way... give them the leg up in society that only a radical heart giving radically because it is compelled by the love of Christ could do... He knows that heart is in this chest... 

So, in this process of becoming okay with life as we know it... our new normal... me working nights and Jason working days split between two jobs - one that pays hourly and one that pays on commission, missing my children, missing my husband, being stretched thin and still struggling to pay our bills, with no real consistency financially, no real idea of when this is going to end... being eight and a half months into our move thinking and hoping that we would "be somewhere" by now... all of these struggles are dredging up a lot of deeper things that I believe Abba has been trying to get at. And somehow with him getting to the root of it all - which for us has been simple: Do you believe I am who I say that I am? Do you believe that I will do what I say I will do? Do you believe that I LOVE YOU? Will you cling to me for dear life... let me hold you when you cry... will you let me be your source of joy and happiness? Will you trust me for the process, even if there is no prize at the end? Am I enough? 

Is Jesus ENOUGH? 

Then comes this devotional from Jason's mentor and dear friend, Gary, last week, on a particularly hard day for us both... 

For me, I think that somehow if I can find out and do exactly what God wants, then I will be in the "sweet spot" of His will, completely blessed in unimaginable ways. Of course I have in my mind and my imagination exactly what those blessings would look like. What if God's intended blessing isn't the same blessing I would like of a happy marriage, a big house, healthy intelligent kids, nice cars, a successful business, freedom from debt, money in the bank, family vacations, and the respect of my peers. What if instead God has a completely different blessing in mind for me? ....we are usually less interested in God's will than we are in His blessing -- it is a subtle but critical distinction. Will is something we have to continue to do; blessing is the goal, the reward, and the end point. We humans and especially men are less process oriented and more focused on the end result -- in this case -- the blessing rather than the road being as much a part of the goal as the goal itself.

Cha-ching. Okay... I get it, I'm getting it... I am not sure I like it yet... but I love being vulnerable in God's hands, and watching him doing all that he's doing in us... I wouldn't change that for a thing. I wouldn't take the five figure commission check in exchange for what he is doing in us... and when I could say that to myself honestly the other day -- I thought maybe I had hit the sweet spot. The money doesn't excite me anymore. In fact, I might have more stress from trying to figure out what to do with a fat commission check than dealing with the process that we're in now, and all the things that I am seeing happen in Jason and the things I believe God is doing in me. 

And then, today, almost as if God was answering the deepest cries of my heart today, our pastor was talking about taking his oldest child to college this past weekend and how undone he was on the drive home. He realized that the culmination of all of his efforts to raise her right and make her complete and ready for the world had just taken place... she had just been released out of his care unto the mercies of adulthood, and as he shared I just became a puddle right there in the sanctuary. As he described how Father God was revealing that just as Tommy's heart was for his daughter to be complete, his heart as Father God is for us to be complete... And BAM... he reaches to the deepest places of my heart and says to me "I'm not finished yet"... meeting my deepest need, in the quietest place of my heart, a place I am ready to surrender to Him, and give back to Him, being okay with whether or not He does anything with it... and somehow he says, "you can have it back, I am not finished with it yet"... 

I feel like I am reaching the sweet spot of this place of learning to be content and okay ... It is only the love of Jesus that brings me hope, peace and comfort. He is enough, and all I need. I'm so in love with what he is is doing with my husband. I am so in love with what he is doing in our children. I am so in love with what he is doing in me, and watching him move is more exciting than anything I could ever be a part of. 

And I am so in love with HIM.

"my Lord God, I have no idea where I am going..."

“MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going.

I do not see the road ahead of me.

I cannot know for certain where it will end.

Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.

And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.

I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.

And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.

I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.” 

Thomas Merton

This morning, I called my Dad. He and my step mom are in town for a few weeks, and are nearing the end of their stay. I called to try to make arrangements for a visit, and although I shouldn't be surprised, our conversation led into something much deeper and more spiritual, where my Dad once again was hearing me pour out my heart, talk about all that is going on in my life, and once again, he was ministering to me. We always seem to end up talking for a long time when I call, and it always seems to be about the Lord and all that I think he is trying to teach me in this season we're in. I am so thankful for that. I need that in my life.

So often I am treading water, in this "I think I can" and "I think I know" and "This must be the way" sort of mentality... trying to figure God out and what the next step is. We have been in this season for a long time. We have been living financially by the seat of our pants, and though we weathered the initial months (years, really) with less worry and stress, sometime around the time that I started this blog things really began to intensify. The stresses of having zero income or very unpredictable income, the stress of almost losing our house and having to scramble to prepare a place to live, and move into two days before Christmas, the stresses of unpredictable income sources, applying for and keeping up with government benefits and adjusting to them going away, fearing family members scrutinizing our every move (meaning well, of course), moving kids from one school to another, and the list goes on... it is fair to say that these things wear heavily on your soul until basically one day you crack... you start taking things out on each other - could we be doing more? What are we doing wrong? We don't want to look like fools to our families. We don't want to seem irresponsible. How do we justify this? How do we make this happen? How do we explain ourselves? Wanting to live life and being constrained and unable to do so... so many variables that I cannot even name that all revolve around money and the lack of it... The appearance of doing nothing when we know how hard we are working... it's all so much... too much.

At the beginning of May, Jason and I decided that we were going to go all out no matter what the cost. I was going to get a job. He was going to find work wherever he could find it. He was going to work on the commission based work however hard and long he was able. By God, we were going to get the heck out of this financial rut. We were going to get our budget together and get back on Dave Ramsey's plan, finish paying off our debt, get on a savings plan, and a plan to get into our own place again and give Jason's mom her beautiful condo back (for which we have been so blessed to live in). In the month of May we both worked every day. We had a groove going. It was great. There were paychecks every week. The bills were paid. We went out to eat a little and I was able to buy Dakota some shoes/clothes he so desperately needed. It felt good. By the end of May I felt like there was some consistency there and we were able to sit down and put together our budget. I spent all day working not only on our budget, but on the debt snowball and predicted how much we could have saved at conservative incomes for both of us by this time next year. It was awesome. I felt like we had a goal and finally we were on the road to being into the next phase of our lives.

Then, right on time, the rug gets pulled out from under us. 

Jason is informed by his boss that he is leaving the company he was working for. Oh and by the way, the company doesn't want to pay you as a subcontractor anymore. You can become an employee but at a much lower rate... HEY! No problem, we'll take it. Whatever it is. We don't care. It's income. But you'll have to talk to the owner to make that happen. Guess what? Owner is out of town for weeks. Can't get in touch with him. No work = no income. 

It's like, as soon as I started trusting in the paycheck to provide, the paycheck goes away.

So, I get it God. You don't want me trusting in the paycheck. You want me trusting in You to provide. You are the paycheck. You are the source. You are the provider of work and the taker-awayer of work. I get it. I get that I need to stop trusting in my own efforts to provide for myself and trust in you. 

But this is that hardest thing. The hardest. I feel broken. I feel lost. I feel like I don't understand what he wants with me. Then the questions come as the weeks drag on... as the reality that when the car insurance hits we may go into overdraft and the little money we have will go to paying fees to the bank...

What do you want, Daddy? What do you want me to learn? I will do whatever you want. Do you want me to learn the lessons from not managing my money correctly? Okay. I will be diligent and disciplined. I will accept the consequences of my mistakes humbly. I will suck it up and keep moving forward. I will try to do better. I will give freely. Does it take me demonstrating this good stewardship for us to get out of this place? Is that what you want, so that when there's more, we'll have it? 

Do you want me completely dependent on you? 

Crossing the line from dependence on myself in any way and complete, ruthless trust and dependence on God is something I am realizing is part of becoming like Christ. All throughout on John 14 Jesus painstakingly and with great frustration tries to explain that he did nothing outside of the Father... every step, every moment, every breath he was a conduit for the Father. If we are to become like Jesus, then that means we have to do this too! In America where self-sufficiency, self-EVERYTHING is glorified, having things and money and success are all elevated, for us Christ-followers to understand that we literally have been called to lay down EVERYTHING for the sake of the Gospel, that means EVERYTHING... to sell all of our possession... he wants me to have open hands... free to receive and free to give away... I get that in my head, but oh this painful transition to my heart... I really believe that he is keeping us in this place until we throw up our hands and give up so much trying, and just allow him to massage and work in our hearts all that he wants to do... we are with the ebb and flow of his working in our lives, focused on him, not the criticisms and judgments of others, not the struggles and pain and consequences we face... but on Him, his love that is outside of time and space, how he feels about us and how he wants us to be conduits for this same love to others. There is just so much.... so much.

So today, on the phone with my Dad, as I did a few days earlier talking with my husband, I just found myself in tears. I wasn't feeling particularly emotional up front about all that I was telling him about... but somehow there is a well in me that has broken open, and I am freely grieving this transition unto complete dependence. I am throwing my hands up. I don't understand anymore and I don't know if I can ever figure it out... Dad shared the Thomas Merton quote with me above. He and my step-mom are in a similar place, and this resonated with him, and as he shared it with me, I feel the dam break open again. Yes, this is my heart. My prayer. 

Like floating on your back in the ocean... you hear the greatness of the ocean, see the great expanse of the sky... the waves will take you wherever they may... all you have to do is relax and trust. Trust that you'll stay afloat. That the direction it takes you is to shore, and you'll be safe...

I have no idea where I am going. I have no idea what tomorrow holds for us. I have $7 to my name right now. On paper, we have nothing. But my Daddy is the keeper of the cattle on a thousand hills. And that is all I need to know. 

time to simplify.

Over the last couple of days I've spent the latest hours of the night sitting in bed just thinking. In the quiet. 

Well actually, it's not too quiet around here. We live off a four-lane road, about 3 miles as the crow flies from Dobbins Air Force Base, and directly across the street from a fire station. Do the math, but I suppose it never really is completely quiet. We're in the city of Atlanta, save about 100 yards, in the thick of it, and outside of apartment living, I don't suppose you can get to living much more on top of each other than being able to hear your next door neighbors' bed banging up against the wall while they're having sex next door. 

But there I go on another tangent. Surprised? If you've been around long you wouldn't be. 

Anyways... two weeks ago I started working four days a week. This is good for us. The money is great. I couldn't have a better place/staff to work with than I do and couldn't be more proud of where I work. In a nutshell, it's worth being away from my kids four nights a week for what it is. Jason and I are in a groove now with him working regularly, bringing in real tangible income, and also being able to pursue something he is passionate about that long term will net some income. Our schedule has pretty much become consistent. I am home Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays all day, and till 3PM every other day of the week. I work weekends. 

This means my time with my children is limited. My time to do everything else is even MORE limited. My priorities have just been shaken up and are beginning to fall where they ought to... and this means change. This means change that just a month ago might not have even been fathomable or even achievable. It means simplification and re-prioritization. It means it's time to simplify. Big time. 

I'm working on a list... this is a fluid and changing list, but one I have been formulating over the last few days.  I want to share it with you, not only because it keeps me accountable but it also remains a great place to document things and look back on them to see if I did what I said I would do... and the result. 

So here it goes.

Blogging. It has to take a back seat. The hours I once spent in front of the computer in the mornings writing and editing photos must now be replaced with babies, chores and errands. I'm not quitting. It just means that this place has to be even more of a reflection of my reality. It sustains itself out of love for y'all and a love for writing and a love for connecting. I won't have time for doing anything other than sharing those things that I need to share. You know what I mean. This blog has grown quite a bit in the last six months, but not without a major time and financial investment. I am not about to throw that away. I am just not sure what my "niche" is, except to write and share my life. I still hope that it grows. I still pray for influence; that God would bless me with the ability to take a fledgling business or ministry or blog desperate for their "big break" and make that happen for them. I pray for influence that is meaningful. So I trust if this is the avenue that that is supposed to happen by, then HE will make it happen, because my priorities are in their rightful place... This is what I pray for, and he knows my heart.

Clementine & Nellie. When the heck am I going to be able to take care of this baby? Ha! I am still trying to figure that out. My sales have picked up but I just don't see this as a long term big source of income. It'll probably be more of a hobby, unless we have an infusion of cash, in which case, watch out baby because I am gonna go nuts buying inventory! I love vintage and always will... and I am always on a treasure hunt. I don't suppose that will ever stop. Maybe I'll have a big sale or something here soon. 

My husband. We are like ships passing in the night right now. God, I love him. I talk about him when he's not around and I still get googly eyed. But when we're around each other, it's easy to fall into routine and forget about the fact that we need to be investing in our marriage... So now this means no phones or computers after I get home from work, and just minimizing or cutting out media distractions altogether unless we've negotiated that (for instance, right now he is showering while I write this post... and then it's caput) beforehand. Maximizing the quality time, and being intentional about being together... Life is hard and we have our problems and issues. But we have a strong foundation and deep affection for one another that can be perpetuated but it takes work. We've been together for eight years. It's going to take some work to make it happen and that means simplification. Minimizing distractions. "That's the deal" as Shiloh says.

All the crap we have. It needs to be like, cut in half. There is no freakin' reason that I should have as many clothes, shoes, bags, and all the other crap that I have. If it has not seen the light of day for a year, it needs to go. I am tired of piles, tired of shoes overflowing out of the closet, tired of no room to put crap away. It just needs to go. Time to do a major purge. For reals. I don't have time to clean it up, put it away, keep it neat, photograph it, post it, sell it, ship it, fold it up... I am just OVER it. I want it gone. I suppose I hate the process of purging. But it will have to go down like this: no selling crap, no nothing. Just put it in a contractor bag and realize that someone else will be glad to buy it at Goodwill. Get it out of the house. The end.

My kids. This is easy. Less TV. More snuggle time. Less of me. More of them. 

Our money. Since the income has become somewhat consistent, it's time to do the budget and get back on Dave Ramsey's plan and WORK HARD to get onto the next phase of our life. How far and hard and we willing to go and work for that next phase? I don't want to live in this town house forever. I don't care if I rent a little house on a acre. I just want a yard and a legitimate garden ASAP. Next year would be preferable. Sooner is even better. Sacrifice will get us there. I'm ready. It's time. Time to be done with this season. Time to be disciplined and get on with it!! 

My time. There are just a few things that should consume my time. Marriage, children, home/garden and work... managing household chores with discipline and intention and avoiding time suckers like the internet. The internet and all it's time sucking ability has to take a back seat. My family needs me. They need healthy meals to eat. They need to have memories of playing with me, not finding me in front of a screen. And when we can play, we will play where we want to play - in the mountains, in the woods, climbing rocks or hiking trails. Visiting the farmer's market or the playground. We have to be intentional and avoid the many distractions that are taking away quality of life. Simplification in this area is not that complicated. 

So, now my husband is out of the shower. We have a bottle of wine open and the night to ourselves. It's time to put these ideas into practice and shut 'er down, folks, for tonight. 

I hope this inspires you... and I know it'll help me stay focused too. 

Until next time... 

Brooke

heightened senses

I haven't had a job where I worked outside of the home since August 2006. At that time I was promoted and given the opportunity to work from home instead of having to go into the office everyday, which I did for three years for the corporation I worked for at the time, until September 2009 when I was laid off. Shiloh was 13 months when that happened and I had been back to work since she was three months old. I managed to keep my work done and be present for all calls, be at my desk working and still manage her care. I am not sure how I did it, except I knew it couldn't go on much longer by the time they laid me off. A crying baby being heard on a conference call is not very professional.

My husband started a job working from home also in August 2007. He worked from home from then until late July 2010. So, we've all been at home, together for pretty much the last five years of our almost six year marriage. Always with our children, always taking care of them. Always around each other. And we have a generally harmonious relationship, in case you're wondering. It didn't bother us to be around each other so much. We really like each other.

Shiloh at her "un-birthday" at school earlier this month

So, I haven't really been away from my husband or my kids much in a good long while. Since Noah was born I haven't done any work except starting this blog and my vintage shop on Etsy and occasional cake jobs. 

I love my job. The staff at Table and Main are great, the restaurant is excellent in both service and food and I am so proud to be a part of it. It gives me the opportunity to provide for my family and on a much more superficial (but maybe not so superficial) note, requires me to get dressed and put makeup on, the latter being a very rare occurrence unless it's Sunday or I am going out... or to work as of late. 

I won't lie though. I really miss my kids. 

Noah and Shiloh in the double stroller for the Inman Park Festival

The other night, a couple was in with their 15 month old little daughter. It's rare to see kids at the restaurant. If people come there who happen to have kids, they are probably leaving them with a sitter, because Table and Main is just so good, they wouldn't want to rush the experience. I don't blame them. I often stand at the host stand gazing longingly upon the fried chicken and absurdly delicious collard greens strongly desiring to go out to dinner with my husband, drink bourbon and wine and eat heartily as well until they kick us out. But alas, I am dreaming.

But back to the cute 15 month old... gosh she was darling. She was trying to jump and showing off just like my little Noah Bear does... and it reminded me of him, and my heart just melted as I thought about Daddy getting to get some snuggles and put him to bed... his soft, sweet, honey blonde hair wrapped around his fingers as Daddy rubs the nape of his neck to soothe him to sleep. Oh how I miss that.

So I guess they say that when one sense goes down, the other four go into a heightened state.

And as a mother, I feel that I have entered a heightened state of awareness of the preciousness, tenderness and beauty of my children, and my time with them. 

Bedtime routines seem more sacred. Diaper changes more treasured than before... Sweet snuggles in the night from my daughter as she climbs into bed are more welcome, and accompanied by a tighter hug than usual and a reminder that she is my girl and that I love her so. More patience with Dakota... more willingness to actually listen to him describe every detail of his video game to me. More hugs, more kisses, more quiet correction. Cracking the bedroom door in the mornings to see my blue eyed darling baby boy see me, light up and bounce in his bed in excitement to see the Mama that he last saw when she put him down for his afternoon nap... as he proceeds to tell her in his still incomprehensible baby talk to give his Bear a kiss, and to talk to me about Dinosaurs, and how he wants his ba-ba. 

This heightened sense of this irreplaceable time, the sweetness and tenderness of these children, their value to me has taken over and invaded my life. And that is okay. 

You know, I felt guilt going out on my own for Mother's Day. I really just wanted to be with my kids. This is kind of new-ish... I might not have felt that before I got this job.

Noah was making this face in the car, bobbing his head to Jamiroquoi the other day. We were cracking up!

I have taken for granted in the past how fleeting this season is. Maybe this is what I needed... a swift kick in the pants... my reality upset... to be the one to enthusiastically say I want to put Noah to bed tonight, and taking the time to rock him when he normally wouldn't even need it... to snuggle a little longer with my girl at bedtime, to tuck Dakota in, to give him more grace and choose my battles even more consciously... to plan my days out a bit better to ensure we have quality time together before I have to go to work (something I need to do better). 

I love my babies. <3

so, I got a job!

here I am,  going to work for the first time in 2 1/2 years!

Yep, I did. I got a job. :)

Jason and I have been strategizing on how we can make the most money given the time that we have. Jason has been trying to get grounded in the insurance industry, and unfortunately this is a commission only role which means zero income unless he is able to obtain some side work doing carpentry and such throughout the month. This is very unpredictable and inconsistent which can be pretty stressful at times, though I will say that God totally has provided for us in amazing ways... it seems that right when we come to our end we seem to have "enough". 

I had been considering getting a job waiting tables or something of the sort, thinking that I could work evenings which would not conflict with Jason being able to continue pursuing his insurance career full time. I wanted something that could take the pressure off him to both bring in income and try to dig in an "do" insurance. He has not been able to really get his roots down because of the pressing need to make money. Our families have been wonderful and supportive, but we are longing to get into the next season of our lives and to move past this place of financial desert. 

It just so happened that as soon as I had decided to try to find something, my friend Tyler posted on her Facebook that a maitre d' position had opened up at the restaurant that she worked at, Table and Main, in downtown Roswell. What's funny is that when I was 18, before the corporate world, I started working at a place in downtown Roswell called Mittie's Tea Room and worked there for three years. Downtown Roswell has changed SO much... it has become a true destination for dining and culture. Table and Main, and Ryan Pernice, the owner/operator has and will be a part of the continuing development and evolution of this area.

I contacted Ryan and was grateful to also have had Tyler's endorsement. We met and I have been in training now for two full shifts and go in tonight for my third, and hopefully a taste of super-crazy-busy Saturday nights. After my first shift I was offered the job and I'm thrilled to be a part of such an amazing place, with great leadership and direction. I'm missing my kids at night but my husband is holding down the fort just fine. It's an adjustment for me to be away from them. Yesterday I was really missing Noah because he took such a long nap that I didn't get to see him before I left. But we'll get it figured out. Here's to hoping this is the start of something good for our family. 

By the way I am still running my vintage shop on Etsy and will continue to do so, and have a shop my closet sale going on right now! I would love it if you would take a look! All proceeds currently go back into my business as I am really hoping that it will grow over the next few months!

Much love,

Brooke