some disorganized thoughts on starting over

Right now, I am alone. For the most part. Jason has gone to pick up the straggler things left behind at his mother's house from Christmas (includes the dog). Noah and Shiloh are in the bed. Dakota is playing his XBOX. I am in the in between state of wanting to get comfortable and pour myself a martini, and having a head swimming with hormone fueled thoughts that beg to be written out. 

Can I just say - DAMN I am SO glad Christmas is over. Yes, I know I was really trying to be optimistic about everything. I mean, I tried to get into the holiday spirit as much as possible. I refused to bah humbug. I listened to Christmas music. I cried listening to Christmas music. I did Christmas crafts with my kids. We started a new tradition. But you know what? I still cannot shake the feeling of relief that I currently feel that now it's all over and I don't have to do any of this again for another 363 days. Christmas is not restful, quiet, or spiritual at all for me. It is about my children, and that's it. I am in kid hell right now - I have a two year old, a four year old, and a twelve year old who just entered the sixth grade who has special needs I have no idea how to meet... I am fumbling, I do not have any idea who I am or where I am going. I am just stumbling through the darkness of the uncharted waters of parenthood and trying to just make it to the next morning. As far as how this all relates to this particular Christmas, it was mostly good, except for the 396,758 meltdowns that my two year old had from lack of sleep due to his Christmas Day nap being interrupted by my oldest son who slammed doors thirty minutes into his nap... and my oldest having meltdowns on both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day for a variety of reasons... I don't know. I don't want to relive any of it even for you, dear reader. I just put a slight damper on things and between that and other stupid crap the afternoon on Christmas Day was less than pleasant. It's just the age they're at I guess. Pfft. 

So now we are done with all the visiting and present getting and stuff and my front room is filled with toys and stuff. And all I want to do is take a box of contractor bags to my house. I am ready to purge. To clean and declutter. I have too much useless crap. I can't stand it. I am a tidy person but the mini piles of useless crap... stupid crap toys from kids meals and pens that don't work and toys that I keep around because I WANT them to like them but know they will never play with and are just taking up space... all the piles... THE PILES of clothes that I am sure if I had less of I would end up with less laundry as a result... ugggggh I just can't STAND it anymore and we just brought in so much more stuff!! Can you tell I am hormonal? Yes. Yes I am and I am on a mission. No more holding on to stuff to try to sell it. It's time to get it out of this house. Out!

I am looking forward to starting over... to a new year. This last year has been less than ideal. I don't want to be in the same place we're in now next year. I want things to be different. I don't have much to pray for. All I say is "please, God"... and trust he knows my desires. I am tired. I am worn thin. I don't even know what I want to do or what should be different but I want hope. I want to have hope again. I want to be able to say our dreams and desires are attainable and within reach. I want to be able to say things are better and that we are taking hold of our future and making it happen. I want more for my son and the courage to help him. I want to be in a better financial position than before. I want to have a plan to get back into a place with a yard... that's all I want - a yard where I can just put my kids out in it and let them be and grow some food and flowers. I want to be able to go away with my husband for a couple of nights WITHOUT the kids and recharge and regroup. So many things I long for... simple but seemingly so out of reach.

And I shall end this as abruptly as I began. It's time for me to be done with this and go have a drink. My honey is home now and it's getting late, and we're here, not somewhere else tonight. We're home. Together. And for now that's all I need.

salvaged + thoughts on dreaming

Saturday afternoon, I took Shiloh and Noah for a walk around the neighborhood. They've been cooped up in the house all week. It's been increasingly difficult to get out during the day with the current nap schedule at hand. Normally my mornings involve loading kids up to drop one or two of them off at school (depending on the day), getting home, intending on doing SOMETHING to get out and about, and before I know it, Noah is having a meltdown and it's naptime. The lovely time change we just went through didn't really help much either. So now he's tired earlier, and well, you know... So the story goes. 

So yeah. We've been feeling cooped up for the last few days. It was so nice yesterday, I thought I would just take the kids for a walk around the neighborhood and stop by the community garden to see if the few sweet potato plants I planted this past Spring would be worth digging up. Shiloh was riding her tricycle and I had the dog and Noah to manage, so the short walk to the community garden area seemed like a good stopping point to give them some space to roam, check on the sweet potatoes and see if my plot was getting any sun at all.

I have had a really hard time with the adjustment to gardening now that I don't have a yard of my own. In the Spring I was so excited about the option to have my own community garden space provided by the HOA here (for new-ish readers, we moved into a condo last December when we were scheduled for foreclosure on our home which thankfully we ended up selling). I planted a full garden there and -- long story short -- watched it do nothing because there was an exorbitant amount of shade from the surrounding trees. I mean, basically nothing grew. It was extremely depressing. So then I transplanted as much as I could into containers and tried growing stuff on my front patio. And hey! For what it was, some stuff grew... and it was better than what I would have gotten in the plot. Then come fall I spent money to amend the soil in my containers and then planted a fall greens crop... Well obviously the sun's position in the sky had changed. And my patio, walkway, everything I have access to is COMPLETELY SHADED. So nothing has been growing. Again. At all. So when I made it down to the community garden area and found my plot bathed in sunlight, my afternoon quickly changed course.

The kids enjoyed just poking around in that area... it's pretty safe and away from the road so they just played with sticks and ran around. I dug all the sweet potatoes out and moved all the leaves out of the bed. When the kids were done, we made the walk back up to the house, and then I proceeded to harvest the sweet potatoes I'd been growing in the containers since Spring, load up all the pots I had into the back of the 4Runner, and drive on down to try to transplant everything into the ground in the 20 minutes I had until I had to get ready for work. 

And that's what I did. I don't expect anything to really grow now that it's so cold, but the thing about greens like collards and kale and cabbage is that they survive the winters here in GA, and in the Spring they grow again and you can continue to harvest until it gets too hot and they bolt. I don't have a ton of stuff in the ground, but it's something... and as long as I am growing something and always learning, that's enough for me. 

 And just a side note, with the issues I've had with my garden this year, I've realized how much of who I have defined myself to be is wrapped up in that little hobby... not a HUGE part of who I am, but some, and it kinda hurt my pride -- all of these issues I've had this year and not having the kind of yield or success I've had in the past. It made me realize that once again, I was attaching some sort of identity to how successful my garden is, like it validates me in some way... This little hobby IS important to me, and I DO want to have each year better than the next - because I am wanting to learn more so that one day, if God provides a way for us, that we can have a much larger garden... maybe something that would feed more families other than just ours...

Which leads me to my next topic... something I've NOT been dealing with really -- hope deferred. Sometimes it is so much easier not to feel... just to keep plodding onward, instead of dealing fully with the reality of our existence and how it affects us deep down inside.

I've spoken a few times about the opportunity my husband has been given through his mentor to secure capital for a new company as a sort of investment broker. He has been successful at it, and the few commission checks we've received over the last year have been what we've lived on in conjunction with my income from the restaurant. It doesn't mean we have been super secure financially but it has taken the edge off. Wrapped up within this opportunity is a specific deal he helped bring to the table that involves a potentially significant investment, the commission from which would absolutely change our life. If the deal goes through, we would have more than enough to get our own place and start over - which is exactly what the goal was since moving in here. 

When I pray and ask God for this, my prayers are simple..., "Lord, bless the work of my husband's hands, bless Gary and Reva for their faithfulness, and Lord, PLEASE... please... I just want a yard." That's it. My dreams aren't very complex or self serving, I don't think. All I want is a home to settle down in, where I can get my son into a good school, have some yard that gets good sunlight to grow a nice sized garden in, have some chickens, and to just live. The American Dream, I guess. That's all. And the ability to go to the beach once a year, and drive to the mountains when we want to, etc. That's it. And I don't even ask for that. I just want a yard and that's it. We hope for land, maybe 3-5 acres. But I would be willing to settle for a yard at this point, just one to turn the kids out in. And I was kinda hoping this would happen by Summer so we could get Dakota out of his current school. 

This particular deal was looking very promising and looked to close before the end of the year. We were anxious and excited, hoping that would become a reality for us. We began to dream and plan a little. Then Hurricane Sandy happened, then more delays, then we got the news that this wasn't going to happen for 3-6 months. 

I shoved it off like it was no big deal. After all, when you live on commission only you stop getting excited anymore about the next big thing. I hate to say that, but it makes it easier when disappointment happens. But if I was honest with myself, I was truly disappointed, and when the disappointment would well up inside, I realized I really needed to process it and be honest with myself. What usually happens when things like this fall through, I start to think about Plan B and wonder how we can make our dreams happen any other way. It's totally possible. Except it means bag Plan A, which has so much time and energy invested in it, and doesn't really mean a long term future for us, rather is just a short term plan to get us more financially stable. We can't live here forever... 

To dream is to be vulnerable. It is to allow yourself to hope. And to hope is to be exposed, which can be very scary when you've had your hopes dashed over and over again. To be exposed means that we can choose whether or not to fall on God in our brokenness when this happens, or to stop feeling and stop being emotionally open. We can go either way and it will make all the difference. There is so much self examination going on lately about whether or not I am really learning all the God has for me to learn, whether or not I should even consider this a season - I mean, what if nothing ever changes? What if this is our life for good? What if the economy tanks again? What if there is nowhere to go but down? What can I do about any of this? It's completely out of my control. It is so hard... desiring something that you know is reasonable and good for your life and your family, and knowing that it may not ever happen... or if it does, it seems difficult to achieve. And I know I shouldn't expect things to miraculously happen... and that it is more than right to expect to have to work super hard for something, it's just daunting at this moment.

Anyway, I don't know if I am getting anywhere with this. I just wanted to share some of my thoughts with you about some of what I've been pondering lately. Things are okay, and God has been taking care of us, so I have no reason to believe that he won't continue to do so. And I am sure there is more that we can do to cut corners and be more frugal... sigh.

Thanks for readin'.

bloggy-blog all stars: repost # 2: the power of acceptance from 10/11

Hey friends! I thought as part of my posts this week I would include a few reposts of YOUR favorite blog posts I've ever put up here. 

One of the most loved posts I ever shared was "The Power of Acceptance". I wrote this very candidly about some of my past and the things I was struggling with about what was facing us in our immediate future. It is pretty raw. It's good for me to see how far we've come. I hope it'll mean something to you to read it and connect with this space. 

Published on October 25, 2011

ac·cept

 verb \ik-ˈsept, ak- also ek-\

Definition of ACCEPT

transitive verb

1

a : to receive willingly ;accept a gift;b : to be able or designed to take or hold (something applied or added);a surface that will not accept ink;

2

: to give admittance or approval to; accept her as one of the group;

3

a : to endure without protest or reaction; accept poor living conditions;b : to regard as proper, normal, or inevitable;the idea is widely accepted;c : to recognize as true : believe; refused to accept the explanation;

4

a : to make a favorable response to; accept an offer;b : to agree to undertake (a responsibility); accept a job;

5

: to assume an obligation to pay; also : to take in payment; we don't accept personal checks;

6

: to receive (a legislative report) officially

intransitive verb

: to receive favorably something offered —usually used withof; a heart more disposed to accept of his — Jane Austen;

When I hit 25, I subsequently hit a wall. I was not making great decisions. I was dating Jason, We were desperately in love, but we were exactly living "right", or treating each other with much respect and our relationship was getting rockier. I was struggling between not wanting to be a part of the system, but knowing that I DID eventually want stability in my life, and have the house and the kids and all that. But I'd just left all that behind the year before, including my son for about six months (I let him go live with his Dad, and his Dad turned around and took him out of state... loooong story, very painful, I probably WON'T tell you about it sometime...lots of shame... but anyway). After my divorce, I sold my house very quickly and moved in with my Mom for six months, then into my own place near her for six months, and then moved yet AGAIN, this time to the city, where I lived in an amazing apartment in Buckhead (north of downtown Atlanta, but in the city), surrounded by wonderfully giving and precious gay men, who watched over me and took care of me....

During that year that I lived in that apartment, everything changed for me. It was an incredibly tumultuous year, struggling with my ex, the situation with my son, the situation with my living situation - can I say "situation" any more? It ended beautifully because I made GOOD choices - and Jason and I ended up engaged, my son came back, etc. Part of what helped me was that I sought counseling from this guy that had worked with my Mom for years, and with me and my ex for a time when we were trying to work through some hard stuff. He's really cut and dried, and will tell it to you straight. This was a different kind of counseling than I had sought before. In the past I'd gone to a Christian counselor who had helped me work through some spiritual issues, but what I was dealing with couldn't have been handled by one of those guys. I needed tough love from a native Italian New Yorker who could set me straight and help me get my head in the game, so that I could be sure my future was ultimately what I wanted it to be, and not the result of more bad and reckless choices rooted in a desire to be outside of the system, off the grid, out of the mainstream... basically I just wanted to smoke pot and be a flower child forever, but I realized I was growing up and needed to act like it, and I needed Jesus, and I needed to be a good Mom, and I needed to figure out this relationship with Jason because I loved him and I didn't want to lose him.

So, let me cut to the chase. 

Ed (my therapist, counselor, what-have-you - and I get all warm and fuzzy when I think of him) taught me about the power of acceptance. And he taught me about the power of making RIGHT choices. 

First - he taught me that I cannot waste any more energy trying to change, or experiencing anxiety and inner turmoil about, the things that I CANNOT CHANGE. Those things that are beyond my power to control, I need to release them BY ACCEPTING THEM. This is a universal truth and act that the result of which allows the subject of your anxiety to be subject to the consequences of itself in the universe (and I promise I am not being new agey, just hear me out...)... the universal/Biblical law of reaping and sowing... when we interfere by enabling something or someone, trying to change something or someone, we are actually keeping it from being subject to the thing that will shape it, mold it, cause it to experience the ripple effect of it's own existence, and thereby changing accordingly. 

When I failed to accept my ex for who he was, all of the good and the bad, etc (I won't say more than this, I want to be respectful), and failed to accept him, just as he was, not only was I personally bound up by fear and anxiety, but he was not totally subject to the result of his own choices in the spiritual realm. 

When I failed to accept myself, and the choices I had made that led me to the place where I was, I was unable to grow and move forward. This is otherwise known as DENIAL. Somehow within denial, we still strive and struggle, we don't completely ignore the thing we're denying, we still wake up and look at it like it just appeared there that morning, and we hadn't seen it before, and start trying to do the same thing over and over to make it go away, or cope with its existence, or whatever. It makes us look like we're not in denial about it, but really we are. 

However...

When we accept something/someone/something about someone:

We make a full and comprehensive evaluation of that person, good, bad, ugly, etc. We say, I don't want to change you, You are who you are, I accept you. I do not want to change you. I do not want you to change you. I release you, and simulaneously receive you unto myself, as you are, complete, whole, flaws, perfections, all of it. 

When we do the same with a situation versus a person, we examine everything that led us here, we step back, make a review of every detail, we check our emotions at the door, yet still acknowledge that they're there... and we realize that we are powerless to do anything about the past; the cumulative result of events, the history that is the now, and we breathe it in, breathe it out - it is what it is. 

So why am I saying all of this?

I think that one of the hardest things I am working through right now is just coming to a place of acceptance of things and people in my life... not trying to change them or the circumstances, not trying to cause something to be something it's not, just accepting it. I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW that if I can do this, I will have less anxiety, less frustration with myself and others, a greater level of contentment, allow myself to remain in the moment every moment of every day, and so on. 

In conjunction with this, as mentioned earlier, if the situation is something that I want to see change in, I ought to make RIGHT decisions, to ensure that the future - which is always a cumulative result of all of our choices - looks the way I intended it to look (free will) and is in accordance with God's will (which I believe is the path of peace... the wisdom of God brings peace).

So....

Here is a laundry list of things I am working on accepting right now:

1. We are going to be moving soon. Either we're going to lose our house, or sell it. Our kids and family will be uprooted. We'll be out of our comfort zone, as will the kids. This is going to be hard. It's going to happen. 
2. My son is different. I need to think in terms of a parent of an Asperger's child, and stop trying to fit him into the mold of a neurotypical child, accepting him for who he is.
3. It is less important for my house to be spotless than it is for me to spend quality time with my children. The house can wait.
4. It is less important for me to work on my blog or my shop than for me to spend quality time with my husband late at night. The blog and the shop can wait.
5. My ex may never change. Must learn how to pray for him. 
6. I may never ever have all the laundry done at once. I may always have two or three loads in flux at any given time. It doesn't matter - I need to accept that it doesn't matter. 
7. I may never be a B cup again. Yes, I am an A cup again, haven't been that since HIGH SCHOOL. Thank you, 40 months of breastfeeding, and to my babies for sucking the very life out of my boobs. 
8. I cut all my hair off. I did it. It's done. Time to accept it - stop mourning it, and be patient because IT WILL GROW. 
9. I cannot eat like a bird every single day. It's not realistic. 
10. It is going to be uber stressful and hard on days when I am home with the kids alone without Jason. Need to accept this and learn how to cope.
11. The floors will never be perfectly clean. There will always be dog hair everywhere.
12. My skin will never be perfectly clear no matter how old I get.
13. And speaking skin, the wrinkles have made their debut. It's all downhill from here. Beauty is fleeting. Accept it.
14. Must accept that my husband processed and works through things differently than I do. Not at my speed, not even close to the same way. His way is not wrong. It is what it is. The result is good.
15. This blog/etsy shop thing may take a looooong time to grow. Patience. 
16. Things may get worse before they get better. One day at a time.

What are you working on accepting?

Love, Brooke

real life.

Hello friends.

waking up with bed head.

I decided to write a blog post. And just to be sure I am not representing any sort of reality that makes you feel like your life is less interesting than mine, I submit to you... 

...the last ten days, and some of the things that have therein transpired:

1. (The good news) My son came home from spending two - YES, TWO MONTHS with his Dad. Came home a little taller and wider. He is wearing a men's size 9 shoe. I am sorry, but I just don't think I can handle much more of him growing. I feel an indescribable peace at having all the birdies back in the nest. There is a part of me that is never fully settled when he's gone. 

2. I have worked NINE of the last ten days. Correct. Since Friday the 27th, I worked everyday except Monday. That's from 3pm to 10 or 11 (or later). I've missed my babies so much. I've missed my husband. But I've developed a strategy to not having to see Noah crying as I walk out the door: putting him down for a nap later so that he's sleeping when I have to leave. Saturday night though, my friend Hannah (she helps me out on busy Saturdays) surprised me and bought me the unbelievable, beyond amazing fried chicken from the restaurant for dinner... I ate the whole half a chicken to the bone in the car on the way home. In silence. It was ridiculous. A highlight of my week.

3. I have done no laundry. Imagine the piles. Actually, I have washed the same three loads about three times each. That is from leaving them in the washer for days on end and forgetting about them. Well, Jason folded a couple loads of the laundry that accumulated in my absence. It's a very sad situation. 

4. We have shop-vacuumed the entire house for the second time to try to control the flea problem we have in our house. Yes. Fleas. Welcome to my life.

5. I have had two or three showers. Do the math. 

6. I have woken up at 8:30, stayed in my pajamas until about 11 or so (and so have my kids), spent way too much time on my iPhone, they've spent way too much time in front of the TV, and I've basically been a zombie on the couch until I am forced to get dressed to go to work.  

7. Got in a fight with a new friend about her vintage shop and my vintage shop. It eventually resolved itself but it caused me to do a lot of self reflection and examination about things... I never get in fights with people. 

8. I have purged the kitchen and Dakota's clothes. All purged items are in a disorganized pile in front of the closet door at the bottom of the steps leading up from the garage, in front of the very closet that has all my vintage stuff in it... which I need to get to right about, oh, three days ago.

9. I shaved my legs.

10. My husband has fed my children macaroni and cheese and spaghetti six out of the last ten days for dinner. At my direction. 

11. My children have had two (maybe three?) baths. More if you count how many times they've been to the pool. 

12. I have been outside for as many times as I have walked to and from my car going to work, going to the store once or twice, and taking people down to the patio to sit (at the restaurant). Which is probably why I am feeling so stir crazy. 

This is my real life.
The end.

"my Lord God, I have no idea where I am going..."

“MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going.

I do not see the road ahead of me.

I cannot know for certain where it will end.

Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.

And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.

I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.

And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.

I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.” 

Thomas Merton

This morning, I called my Dad. He and my step mom are in town for a few weeks, and are nearing the end of their stay. I called to try to make arrangements for a visit, and although I shouldn't be surprised, our conversation led into something much deeper and more spiritual, where my Dad once again was hearing me pour out my heart, talk about all that is going on in my life, and once again, he was ministering to me. We always seem to end up talking for a long time when I call, and it always seems to be about the Lord and all that I think he is trying to teach me in this season we're in. I am so thankful for that. I need that in my life.

So often I am treading water, in this "I think I can" and "I think I know" and "This must be the way" sort of mentality... trying to figure God out and what the next step is. We have been in this season for a long time. We have been living financially by the seat of our pants, and though we weathered the initial months (years, really) with less worry and stress, sometime around the time that I started this blog things really began to intensify. The stresses of having zero income or very unpredictable income, the stress of almost losing our house and having to scramble to prepare a place to live, and move into two days before Christmas, the stresses of unpredictable income sources, applying for and keeping up with government benefits and adjusting to them going away, fearing family members scrutinizing our every move (meaning well, of course), moving kids from one school to another, and the list goes on... it is fair to say that these things wear heavily on your soul until basically one day you crack... you start taking things out on each other - could we be doing more? What are we doing wrong? We don't want to look like fools to our families. We don't want to seem irresponsible. How do we justify this? How do we make this happen? How do we explain ourselves? Wanting to live life and being constrained and unable to do so... so many variables that I cannot even name that all revolve around money and the lack of it... The appearance of doing nothing when we know how hard we are working... it's all so much... too much.

At the beginning of May, Jason and I decided that we were going to go all out no matter what the cost. I was going to get a job. He was going to find work wherever he could find it. He was going to work on the commission based work however hard and long he was able. By God, we were going to get the heck out of this financial rut. We were going to get our budget together and get back on Dave Ramsey's plan, finish paying off our debt, get on a savings plan, and a plan to get into our own place again and give Jason's mom her beautiful condo back (for which we have been so blessed to live in). In the month of May we both worked every day. We had a groove going. It was great. There were paychecks every week. The bills were paid. We went out to eat a little and I was able to buy Dakota some shoes/clothes he so desperately needed. It felt good. By the end of May I felt like there was some consistency there and we were able to sit down and put together our budget. I spent all day working not only on our budget, but on the debt snowball and predicted how much we could have saved at conservative incomes for both of us by this time next year. It was awesome. I felt like we had a goal and finally we were on the road to being into the next phase of our lives.

Then, right on time, the rug gets pulled out from under us. 

Jason is informed by his boss that he is leaving the company he was working for. Oh and by the way, the company doesn't want to pay you as a subcontractor anymore. You can become an employee but at a much lower rate... HEY! No problem, we'll take it. Whatever it is. We don't care. It's income. But you'll have to talk to the owner to make that happen. Guess what? Owner is out of town for weeks. Can't get in touch with him. No work = no income. 

It's like, as soon as I started trusting in the paycheck to provide, the paycheck goes away.

So, I get it God. You don't want me trusting in the paycheck. You want me trusting in You to provide. You are the paycheck. You are the source. You are the provider of work and the taker-awayer of work. I get it. I get that I need to stop trusting in my own efforts to provide for myself and trust in you. 

But this is that hardest thing. The hardest. I feel broken. I feel lost. I feel like I don't understand what he wants with me. Then the questions come as the weeks drag on... as the reality that when the car insurance hits we may go into overdraft and the little money we have will go to paying fees to the bank...

What do you want, Daddy? What do you want me to learn? I will do whatever you want. Do you want me to learn the lessons from not managing my money correctly? Okay. I will be diligent and disciplined. I will accept the consequences of my mistakes humbly. I will suck it up and keep moving forward. I will try to do better. I will give freely. Does it take me demonstrating this good stewardship for us to get out of this place? Is that what you want, so that when there's more, we'll have it? 

Do you want me completely dependent on you? 

Crossing the line from dependence on myself in any way and complete, ruthless trust and dependence on God is something I am realizing is part of becoming like Christ. All throughout on John 14 Jesus painstakingly and with great frustration tries to explain that he did nothing outside of the Father... every step, every moment, every breath he was a conduit for the Father. If we are to become like Jesus, then that means we have to do this too! In America where self-sufficiency, self-EVERYTHING is glorified, having things and money and success are all elevated, for us Christ-followers to understand that we literally have been called to lay down EVERYTHING for the sake of the Gospel, that means EVERYTHING... to sell all of our possession... he wants me to have open hands... free to receive and free to give away... I get that in my head, but oh this painful transition to my heart... I really believe that he is keeping us in this place until we throw up our hands and give up so much trying, and just allow him to massage and work in our hearts all that he wants to do... we are with the ebb and flow of his working in our lives, focused on him, not the criticisms and judgments of others, not the struggles and pain and consequences we face... but on Him, his love that is outside of time and space, how he feels about us and how he wants us to be conduits for this same love to others. There is just so much.... so much.

So today, on the phone with my Dad, as I did a few days earlier talking with my husband, I just found myself in tears. I wasn't feeling particularly emotional up front about all that I was telling him about... but somehow there is a well in me that has broken open, and I am freely grieving this transition unto complete dependence. I am throwing my hands up. I don't understand anymore and I don't know if I can ever figure it out... Dad shared the Thomas Merton quote with me above. He and my step-mom are in a similar place, and this resonated with him, and as he shared it with me, I feel the dam break open again. Yes, this is my heart. My prayer. 

Like floating on your back in the ocean... you hear the greatness of the ocean, see the great expanse of the sky... the waves will take you wherever they may... all you have to do is relax and trust. Trust that you'll stay afloat. That the direction it takes you is to shore, and you'll be safe...

I have no idea where I am going. I have no idea what tomorrow holds for us. I have $7 to my name right now. On paper, we have nothing. But my Daddy is the keeper of the cattle on a thousand hills. And that is all I need to know. 

growth.

Oh, hi there. How've you been? 

I am fine. 

I am not really sure what this blog post is going to be about. I am just here, writing.

I am currently listening to Bon Iver on Spotify (through my fancy iPhone headphones, which I just discovered have a little cute mic on the right side so we can talk hands free - actually, Jason and I tried it out just before I hit play), drinking a glass of red wine, across from my husband, whose face is full of expression as he watches Walking Dead on his laptop. This is my brief moment in time where I can write a post; where we've agreed to allowing each other media time to do whatever we want so the other can do whatever they want... hope that makes sense. 

Can I just say, he is so cute. I love his smile. I love his arms. I love his legs. I love him. Lord help me... the way I remember him sitting at the coffee shop when we were dating... legs pulled up into the chair, knees in the crooks of his elbows... eyebrows raised... still boyishly innocent in so many ways... I just love him. 

This past week we've been making an effort to keep the devices off when I get home from work, or after the kids go to bed... it's good. It's really good. I like discovering that actually we do have so much to say to one another when we provide the environment for things to be said. It's all about cultivation and commitment. When you've been together for awhile, you have to be intentional about your relationship. The layers are peeled back... you see the ugliest parts of each other. And when your mate is gone, you miss the deepest and most beautiful parts of them... the longing is intense and profound. It's funny that when you're in each others' presence you aren't able to see these things as clearly as when you were dating. And Jason and I had an intense love and attraction to one another during that time. It was electric. We couldn't be apart. We were desperately in love. And this hasn't really changed... except time wears away at the emotions, so that you feel less of that intensity and are forced to face the depths of the person you're with and to truly challenge love. This is where the rubber meets the road, folks. 

There was a blog post that I wrote and never posted about two or three weeks ago because it was one of those incredibly vulnerable ones, where I really opened up about what was going on in our life; in our marriage. We were in a dark moment... it was like a cloud of confusion was around us and we couldn't shake it. The importance of simplification coupled with intuition and grace during those times for couples like us who have a foundation of deep love and affection for one another and having had to fight to be together and overcome so many obstacles to finally being together is paramount and it helped us get through. I still have work to do. WE still have work to do. But recognizing that the brokenness and pain that sometimes wells up in our marriage most times has little to do with our own issues and has everything to do with pains and brokenness that preceded our relationship. It's hard to get there, especially when hormones are in the way. But practice makes, well, something... so we're working to get there. 

So I guess this post became the blog post I meant to write, but never did. 

And it's time to get off of this damn thing. I got a good lookin' man to hang out with; to sit on the front patio with and drink wine and talk and stuff. 

Goodnight.

since we're on the topic of motherhood...

my sister gave me this precious locket today for mother's day w/ pics of my kids in it. 

I became a mother twelve days after my 21st birthday. 

Just ten months before, I'd met my son's father. We quickly moved in together, and shortly thereafter, I found out I was pregnant. Do the math. Just twenty, I was in the midst of a few years of very reckless living, to put it lightly. These are years my mother cringes at when spoken of, if that tells you much. I pretty much "had everything going for me" before I turned 17, and by twenty, I had completely trashed my life. As if God knew the only way to save me from the utter depths of my dive into drug culture was to awaken my senses to life. So he put Dakota in my belly. He knew that I couldn't continue to do the things I was doing knowing there was a life inside of me. When I took my pregnancy test, I had just handed off a massive pina colada and a cigarette to Dakota's dad in a flash moment realizing to myself that "I probably should take this pregnancy test before I consume this drink". I will never forget that moment sitting on the toilet in my apartment in Decatur. We were watching TV on the same old UHF/VHF TV set my Mom bought when she moved into her own place after she and my Dad split, some stupid movie, maybe Zorro? I don't know... I just had this moment, I knew I was late, I'd bought the test... and it was positive. Life changed forever. Completely changed. Within five months I was married, sober, and trying to make beauty from ashes on my own... 

To say that becoming a mother changed me is to put it lightly. Becoming a mother literally saved my life. And here's something even more mind blowing... in the midst of my deepest, darkest place, God put this gift of a child... the most PRECIOUS gift, the most INTENSE love, the most PROFOUND encounter and understanding of SACRIFICE, the most beautiful treasure on this earth - he gave that to my in the midst of my deepest darkest place... what kind of Father gives a gift like that to a child who has run far away, who is still so far off that there is no hope of his returning? This was a profound and life changing encounter with God and his love for me, and was the beginning of my long return Home to relationship with Christ, after many years of yo-yo-ing between the world and it's intoxications and the intoxication of Jesus' love, which still melts me even now.

Fast forward eight years... remarried, pregnancy planned after sadly losing two precious babies... everything within my being prayed that this baby would stay firmly in my belly until her dawn into this world. I held onto her so tightly, there was a lesson her coming into being and her entrance into this world that God wanted to teach me about letting go and about his unique plan for her life. He wanted to upset my agenda; upset my methodology; upset my plans. He wanted to show my that even though things don't go the way you think they ought to, the way they occur is perfect, because they are according to His plan, which is perfection, and is unique to the design for the baby he has created. For me, this was and is scary... surrender is complete vulnerability, exposure, abandonment of the mind and the will, floating on the waves of chance, but trusting the design in the waves... does that make sense? Still, so many lessons... from the beginning... these little lives so transformational from their inception... conception... so much power in a life, so much Power in a life. 

Then Noah - my Bear, my treasure... tonight, I held him like a little baby and rocked him to sleep in a rare moment with my rough and tumble and busy boy. He is getting too big and my heart literally breaks at the thought. I am utterly captivated and in love with this beautiful child. My heart is a big puddle of goo when I look at him. With this precious babe, I surrendered. I opened my heart and mind to God's will for his birth, his life... though I am holding on so tightly and so in love, I just wonder sometimes if God would take him from me? He came into the world in a completely uneventful and natural birth. Again, fear creeps up... is God giving it to me easy now so that I will be ready for the fight later? I don't know. And it's silly to think this way... but shouldn't there be a formula? The only formula is cause and effect... sowing and reaping... and I pray that the Lord has mercy on me with my babe.

Yes, the cliches of motherhood all apply here. I am most definitely one to nod yes and all of the same stay at home mom standard complaints and stereotypes that exist. Do I savor alone time? Yes. Do I sometimes wish that I had not squandered my twenties and been free to become an adult without a child by my side? YES, all the time. Do I sometimes find myself daydreaming about what life will be like when I can leave my kids for long weekends and go on trips alone with my husband? Um, yeah. But, well, here -- let me pull out yet another cliche for you -- I wouldn't trade the lessons, the joy, the pain, the heartache, the tears, the heart swollen with pride, love, joy..., the transformation that has occurred within me for anything at all... 

In their beginnings, in their lives, there is something so deep about the connections we have as mothers with our children... something no other person in their lives will be able to experience. What an honor. What a gift. What a treasure. To care for their basic needs... to nurture and love and minister to their hearts... the return is worth it all, and even if there is no return at all... we have been changed. I have been changed. 

just a wee bit o' whine.

It's at times like these when I appreciate the fact that I have a blog and a moment to sit down and write to work out all the things that have tied me up in knots. When I am done here, I plan to go upstairs and get in my comfy gown and bath robe, pour some Crown on the rocks and stare into the boob toob until I pass the heck out. 

So I am going to vent now, and you can stay and read it if you want. 

So, we sold the Burb... our beautiful 1989 blue Suburban we called Old Blue... the one we bought from the original owner (who drove it off the lot in '89) a few years back when Shiloh was really little... yeah, it pains me even to write about it. We just couldn't afford to gas her up anymore. $120+ for a tank was killing us... and it turned out I was putting about $20 in a day almost just to get around and run basic errands including picking the kids up from school. Though I haven't spoken about it in awhile our financial situation has not changed. We are still ridiculously poor and unemployed... though some income has happened in the last few months via side work for Jason and some commission, it isn't much. We barely make it. So to sacrifice such a great truck because we are broke just sucked. I nearly cried. We took pictures to commemorate the goodbye. 

So now, we are looking for a replacement - something with good MPG and big enough to haul the fam and a dog at times, which limits us to wagons. There aren't many wagons out there, people. And the ones that are under $2700 at this present moment on craigslist are basically beaters. We found a Subaru Outback in our price range that we liked and even paid $80 to have it fully inspected today... we drove thirty or so miles to the mechanic only to find out that it needed a new clutch right off the bat ($800), and several other little issues that *may or may not* present catastrophic problems in *six months or three years*.... I'm sorry, but I am too broke to take that chance! It was so pretty though, and it was a huge let down that the owner would not accept our offer. We even offered more later this evening but he already had someone else lined up offering more. Figures. And on top of that, the mechanic at the Subaru shop has a car he has done all the maintenance to and is perfect for us, and the perfect price point, but he can't sell it yet because he can't find another car... So we either wait until he finds another car, and drive one car between the two of us (impossible), or, keep looking which is a pain in the ass!! 

And then I found out today that the job I interviewed for, well, I didn't get it. And I never heard that I didn't get it in spite of the follow up phone calls. Maybe I just suck that bad. 

And I have tons of stuff I want to add to my shop, but when am I going to find the time to do the pictures and postings? I need to redo a lot of my postings already... and then to add these new items... and try to sell some of my kids clothes somehow, and clean out my closet... I really need to make some money so I can reinvest in my shop... I wish SO bad that I had $1000 just to invest in my blog and in my shop. I would beef up my shop and do some big advertising... anything to avoid jumping back in the rat race... I just don't know. Sometimes I feel like I am swimming upstream... is this all in vain and for nothing? I know I am not doing everything I can to grow my business and my blog, but I just don't have time - I have kids and meals to make and other family business to take care of, but am going to have to find it if I am going to "beat that steam drill, baby". 

And my poor sweet Noah is cutting all FOUR eye teeth at the same time. He is basically wallowing in the floor beating things and biting things while crying and snot pours forth from his face all over God and everything... and I don't think the ibuprofen is working as well anymore. So that's the lovely soundtrack to our chaos at the moment... 

And I want to go to the beach soooo bad. And to find time to work in my little community garden spot. But I need mushroom compost and am praying my seeds are still good... it all costs money, people!

I know things could absolutely be worse and it's all about perspective. And yes I am whining. I am just tired. I got maybe 4 hours of sleep last night, and that always puts me in a foul mood. 

I am just tired of being broke, tired of being tired, tired of being stuck. At least for tonight. Sounds like I need to remember to take my B-Complex and GABA tonight. And a big swig of Crown.

'night.

about to call it a night...

I am sitting in the dark of my kitchen about to head upstairs with a Blue Moon Spring Blonde, to sit in bed and write out a grocery list for the things I need to get to make the grub I'm taking to the blogger meetup in North Carolina on Saturday... I am so glad I was able to make enough sales in my shop to cover the trip completely! I prayed about it and it happened, so I guess I am supposed to be there! Tomorrow is going to be busy - heading to my sister's for a get together with my siblings for dinner... lots going on, lots of time in the kitchen for sure...

Note to self: I need to find the cord that connects my phone to my laptop so I can download some tunes/podcasts to it and have something to listen to on the drive there... Mutemath, Mumford and Sons, Gillian Welch, some old James Taylor, some UPB or Bethel worship tunes and maybe a few NPR progs I've missed lately.

I am hoping that taking Shiloh with me will be a good idea all around and that she'll have fun and roll with it so Mommy can have fun too!

Right now I am realizing how anti-social and quiet my life is... about to me thrust into meeting a bunch of people I "know" but don't really know... I'm a little nervous, actually! But no need to be, I know it'll be fine, just fessin' up about it I guess.

Right now I wish this monster zit would go away.

Anyway, that is all, I just wanted to share this with y'all I guess. Good night!

Love Brooke

PS: I made this for dinner tonight - a winner with everyone!!

smorgasbord of me

I just smashed the hell out of my thumb between the chair and the table leg pulling my chair up to write this blog post. Now my index finger is also throbbing  how, I do not know. Ow. Just thought you all might like to know all the pain and suffering I am enduring to keep you all abreast on the most recent news of this here life.

I dunno, I guess I am working out some things with the bloggy blog. I went through a few weeks or longer where I just was pushing and pushing to get stuff out. Then I got into some fights with people about stuff. Then I decided I didn't need to be online so much. And I mentioned this before. I am just mentioning it again because I feel the need to. Anyway, I guess this month I feel kind of like I am on blog-vacation, since I was too broke - meaning, I didn't make hardly any Etsy sales last month (and what little I did I donated to Ron Paul's campaign)  - to sponsor any blogs this month. So unless you are already a reader I don't suppose very many new people will be reading my blog. And that's okay because the pressure is off, and I know that those of you that are here are here to stay, since I didn't scare any of you off with my political rants. I was sure I'd lose some of you actually, so for that I am grateful.

So, I just wanted to to share some photos from this week and tell you a little about what's been going on around here.

I've decided that I need more nature in my life to stay sane. I have always needed nature in my life, but I forget that is an essential element to my happiness. So I've been hitting the trails as much as possible this week - once up Kennesaw Mountain and down and once on the Cheatham Hill/Kolb Farm Loop (5.5 miles) which wore me out pretty good with my baby carrier not fitting quite right... but was a great workout. It was ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS that day (Thursday) and I truly felt like a million bucks. I've also decided that I need to be more intentional about preparing food that I can eat that is nourishing and not snacky food. When we're at the end of the food stamps it's really easy to eat cheaply and I feel awful for it. I am trying to lean as gluten free/raw/vegan as possible. Dakota is transitioning back onto his gluten free diet as well after being off of it for a few months. I love experimenting and making up my own recipes. I plan to share a modified "mama eats" post that requires a little prep... just a different take on eating well with little time on your hands. Anyway, I really love it when I am taking care of myself. I want to feel some sort of confidence about my body this Spring/Summer, now that my boobs have decided to completely disappear after weaning Noah, I am kinda struggling in that (confidence) department (thanks, kids).

Now - THE HOUSE!! Oh man, what a long, strange trip this has been. But I am very thankful to say that this long journey is now, though it is somewhat bittersweet, reaching the end. We have a confirmed closing date for MONDAY at 9AM! That means after all this, we are not losing our house. We are selling it, and leaving with some dignity left. Jason spent a good part of last week wrapping up all the lose ends and moving truck and trailer load after load of our stuff from the garage to various places. We managed to make enough room in the garage here where we're living now to store most of our stuff. So, it's done. It's sad... I think I will drive by after closing and say my final goodbye to the house and to my plants. I did save some bits of them and they're in pots out front. It's just a chapter of our life that is over. I am looking forward to the day we can buy land and build or find a home that we want to make our own and raise our little ones in, with lots of room for them to run around and room for a big garden... we're settling in here at the townhouse finally - there are still projects to be done - but they will just have to take a backburner for awhile.

And as far as financially, well things are holding steady... we are definitely better than we were a few months back. Jason hasn't been able to work for a couple weeks, so the strain increases every day that he doesn't get a call. He has some other opportunities opening up that seem promising and we are kinda hopeful that it will provide. I am also still waiting on a response on the interview I went on a few weeks ago... things are looking up, but it's still tough. Still hoping for great changes this year though!

We'll be heading back up to Chicago in a few weeks to work on the family home there in La Grange Park, going through the basement and getting items packed up and moved down here to Georgia. I love Chicago and love the home there. Should be a good trip, though very busy and full of work!

Finally I am thinking I'll be able to make it to the North Carolina Meetup that my friend Bekah over at my little loves is planning the 23rd and 24th! I haven't seen Bekah since we first met when Ocean was teeny tiny, and I would love to meet some of the other ladies out there that I've met through the web. So here's to hoping it all works out!

And tomorrow, Jason and I are up bright and early to to the Cherokee County GOP Convention, where we will work the political system as delegates who support Ron Paul, hoping for an eventual fight on the convention floor where we will eventually be free agents, able to nominate Dr. Paul. That is, if we make it to the national convention! Fingers crossed!

Without further ado, here are some photos from this week. I wanted to edit them and make them look all fancy, but honestly, I am too tired to do that. So here they are, untouched.

Much love to you all!

Noah smeared spaghetti saice all over himself - can you say Oompa Loompa? lol

see us in the reflection? me with Noah on my back...

flood plain I walked along... liked the way the grass lays down

Illinois monument

overwintered collards from my garden at the old house

dinner last night: quinoa/black bean/corn salad, red cabbage/kale salad, egg drop soup

tonight we made pizzas :)

I love this sweet girl so much.

Night!

Brooke