"my Lord God, I have no idea where I am going..."

“MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going.

I do not see the road ahead of me.

I cannot know for certain where it will end.

Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.

And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.

I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.

And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.

I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.” 

Thomas Merton

This morning, I called my Dad. He and my step mom are in town for a few weeks, and are nearing the end of their stay. I called to try to make arrangements for a visit, and although I shouldn't be surprised, our conversation led into something much deeper and more spiritual, where my Dad once again was hearing me pour out my heart, talk about all that is going on in my life, and once again, he was ministering to me. We always seem to end up talking for a long time when I call, and it always seems to be about the Lord and all that I think he is trying to teach me in this season we're in. I am so thankful for that. I need that in my life.

So often I am treading water, in this "I think I can" and "I think I know" and "This must be the way" sort of mentality... trying to figure God out and what the next step is. We have been in this season for a long time. We have been living financially by the seat of our pants, and though we weathered the initial months (years, really) with less worry and stress, sometime around the time that I started this blog things really began to intensify. The stresses of having zero income or very unpredictable income, the stress of almost losing our house and having to scramble to prepare a place to live, and move into two days before Christmas, the stresses of unpredictable income sources, applying for and keeping up with government benefits and adjusting to them going away, fearing family members scrutinizing our every move (meaning well, of course), moving kids from one school to another, and the list goes on... it is fair to say that these things wear heavily on your soul until basically one day you crack... you start taking things out on each other - could we be doing more? What are we doing wrong? We don't want to look like fools to our families. We don't want to seem irresponsible. How do we justify this? How do we make this happen? How do we explain ourselves? Wanting to live life and being constrained and unable to do so... so many variables that I cannot even name that all revolve around money and the lack of it... The appearance of doing nothing when we know how hard we are working... it's all so much... too much.

At the beginning of May, Jason and I decided that we were going to go all out no matter what the cost. I was going to get a job. He was going to find work wherever he could find it. He was going to work on the commission based work however hard and long he was able. By God, we were going to get the heck out of this financial rut. We were going to get our budget together and get back on Dave Ramsey's plan, finish paying off our debt, get on a savings plan, and a plan to get into our own place again and give Jason's mom her beautiful condo back (for which we have been so blessed to live in). In the month of May we both worked every day. We had a groove going. It was great. There were paychecks every week. The bills were paid. We went out to eat a little and I was able to buy Dakota some shoes/clothes he so desperately needed. It felt good. By the end of May I felt like there was some consistency there and we were able to sit down and put together our budget. I spent all day working not only on our budget, but on the debt snowball and predicted how much we could have saved at conservative incomes for both of us by this time next year. It was awesome. I felt like we had a goal and finally we were on the road to being into the next phase of our lives.

Then, right on time, the rug gets pulled out from under us. 

Jason is informed by his boss that he is leaving the company he was working for. Oh and by the way, the company doesn't want to pay you as a subcontractor anymore. You can become an employee but at a much lower rate... HEY! No problem, we'll take it. Whatever it is. We don't care. It's income. But you'll have to talk to the owner to make that happen. Guess what? Owner is out of town for weeks. Can't get in touch with him. No work = no income. 

It's like, as soon as I started trusting in the paycheck to provide, the paycheck goes away.

So, I get it God. You don't want me trusting in the paycheck. You want me trusting in You to provide. You are the paycheck. You are the source. You are the provider of work and the taker-awayer of work. I get it. I get that I need to stop trusting in my own efforts to provide for myself and trust in you. 

But this is that hardest thing. The hardest. I feel broken. I feel lost. I feel like I don't understand what he wants with me. Then the questions come as the weeks drag on... as the reality that when the car insurance hits we may go into overdraft and the little money we have will go to paying fees to the bank...

What do you want, Daddy? What do you want me to learn? I will do whatever you want. Do you want me to learn the lessons from not managing my money correctly? Okay. I will be diligent and disciplined. I will accept the consequences of my mistakes humbly. I will suck it up and keep moving forward. I will try to do better. I will give freely. Does it take me demonstrating this good stewardship for us to get out of this place? Is that what you want, so that when there's more, we'll have it? 

Do you want me completely dependent on you? 

Crossing the line from dependence on myself in any way and complete, ruthless trust and dependence on God is something I am realizing is part of becoming like Christ. All throughout on John 14 Jesus painstakingly and with great frustration tries to explain that he did nothing outside of the Father... every step, every moment, every breath he was a conduit for the Father. If we are to become like Jesus, then that means we have to do this too! In America where self-sufficiency, self-EVERYTHING is glorified, having things and money and success are all elevated, for us Christ-followers to understand that we literally have been called to lay down EVERYTHING for the sake of the Gospel, that means EVERYTHING... to sell all of our possession... he wants me to have open hands... free to receive and free to give away... I get that in my head, but oh this painful transition to my heart... I really believe that he is keeping us in this place until we throw up our hands and give up so much trying, and just allow him to massage and work in our hearts all that he wants to do... we are with the ebb and flow of his working in our lives, focused on him, not the criticisms and judgments of others, not the struggles and pain and consequences we face... but on Him, his love that is outside of time and space, how he feels about us and how he wants us to be conduits for this same love to others. There is just so much.... so much.

So today, on the phone with my Dad, as I did a few days earlier talking with my husband, I just found myself in tears. I wasn't feeling particularly emotional up front about all that I was telling him about... but somehow there is a well in me that has broken open, and I am freely grieving this transition unto complete dependence. I am throwing my hands up. I don't understand anymore and I don't know if I can ever figure it out... Dad shared the Thomas Merton quote with me above. He and my step-mom are in a similar place, and this resonated with him, and as he shared it with me, I feel the dam break open again. Yes, this is my heart. My prayer. 

Like floating on your back in the ocean... you hear the greatness of the ocean, see the great expanse of the sky... the waves will take you wherever they may... all you have to do is relax and trust. Trust that you'll stay afloat. That the direction it takes you is to shore, and you'll be safe...

I have no idea where I am going. I have no idea what tomorrow holds for us. I have $7 to my name right now. On paper, we have nothing. But my Daddy is the keeper of the cattle on a thousand hills. And that is all I need to know.