My son just left with his father to spend the summer away with him.
He drove up here with his girlfriend. I met her. We had a nice visit. And then they were gone.
This is something I never talk about on my blog, mostly out of respect for my son's Dad. I don't even know if he knows I have a blog. But the last thing I would want is for me to have written something about our past and have him read it and feel dishonored. It was a very tumultuous and painful time for many years for both of us. The outcome was that we divorced. It has not been easy but we're better now and treat each other with respect and honor and that is all I am going to say about that. I will always care for him and want the best for him in life.
Preceding any time away from my son are days filled with anxiety and self-reflection. Most of the time we (my family - Jason and I and all three of our children) go on with our day to day lives and I don't think about Dakota's dad. Since he lives in another state he doesn't really see him too often, so I don't have to pack him a bag every other weekend. But when he does go, it's usually for a couple of weeks or more at a time. As a mother, this is such an unnatural thing - to send your young child away for any period of time. For anyone it would stir up emotion, but for me it stirs up emotions that are usually dormant that are charged with the overwhelming awareness of why things are the way they are.
It's at these times that my past intersects with the present and takes me over. I become aware that no matter how thankful I am for the life I have, with how hard I had to work to get to where I am now, however unconventional it may have been; no matter how much joy my children bring me and how much I love my husband, all of those good things don't make what I had to get through to get here any better. Nothing makes it better. Nothing makes the pain of what my son has to go through okay. Nothing makes that time of my life better. It - in and of itself - is a painful time, a pain that really nothing can assuage. It's the pain that wells up in the pit of my stomach when I am packing his bags, realizing the hole that will be left in our home in his absence. It is the grief that resurfaces to linger until tears and admission of it's existence can wash it back down again.
I was laying in bed with Shiloh the other night, as I usually do to put her to bed. And it hit me. Shiloh is precisely the same age Dakota was when his father and I split up. Actually, she is one month older than Dakota was when the papers were filed, and one month younger than he was when the divorce was final. I was overcome. I love and adore my sweet daughter so much. The tenderness I feel towards her is not distracted by the process of a marriage being dissolved. I couldn't even remember having these feelings towards Dakota during that time, and I felt so awful. Where was I and what was I doing? I was caught up in myself at the expense of my precious child. These are the types of regrets that you deal with that teach you how to live.
The greatest revelation of my life is that God wasn't telling us not to sin because he wanted to keep us from having fun, he was trying to save us from pain.
As I've processed all of this over the last few days I've had to revisit the process of learning how to accept myself, my life as it is, the pain that remains and the hope that I have. It is this duality I have to live with. It is a brokenness that remains, that still stings, but that thrusts me into the arms of Jesus. When I talk about the arms of Jesus, I mean literally, his arms to me are a warm snuggly blanket where I find rest, love, acceptance, comfort. When I fall apart, somehow I manage to call out his name, and somehow he answers. Somehow, he is enough, his love and the story he has given me provides me with enough to continue, enough to live and breathe, and pull myself back up and keep walking. Somehow, he makes it all beautiful. He makes the ashes into beauty. Somehow life with him is better than life without him.
The beauty of a worship circle that is totally lacking agenda is that the music/worship/song evolves as God paints the picture... he is in control and it is always so much fun... never about "what song are we gonna do now", but always about "what's God doing now" that is so beautiful.
At the end of our journey last night, we ended with a beautiful and drawn out meditation centered on the Gungor tune "Beautiful Things"...
you make beautiful things
you make beautiful things out of us
you make beautiful things
you make beautiful things out of the dust...
you make me new
you are making me new
you make me new
you are making me new
I want to share the following photos in the context of redemption. Because, they are proof of redemption. They are proof that God makes beautiful things out of dust. They are proof that God takes brokenness and makes it beautiful and useful and glorifies himself in it. They are proof that God brings oil of gladness for mourning, a garment of praise for a spirit of despair, beauty for ashes...
The community (read: church) that we are a part of now is one that we were a part of many years ago. A series of circumstances covered heavily in brokenness, division, and pain resulted in our departure from this community. Our paths remained connected through relationships that at first were strained and thin, but grew through healing and well, God just bringing people back into our lives and causing relationships to remain and some to grow. In November, after being sort of wanderers, questioning church altogether as an institution, one morning, I just felt this release to return to our old church. So we went. And we haven't left. And to say that there has been healing and redemption and a sort of "full circle", well, none of that would actually capture what being a part of this community again has meant to us.
So, here are some photos from the recent month of outings with folks in our community. Enjoy. And know that these are miracles in and of themselves.
Got a little story to tell ya. Something sweet. Something spiritual.
If you read my blog, last week I was really struggling. In fact, I just accepted that I was depressed and was honest with myself about the fact that being at home with my children, feeling trapped, stuck, whatever... was part of it.
Throughout the week, I felt a nudging from God about pride... he brought it up for the first time in November spoken through a friend during prayer... an opportunity for some self-examination and increased awareness of how pride is the root of a lot of the "issues" in my life.
Pride is not something I - in my conscious mind - want foundational to the way I live. Pride is self-preserving, self-upholding, self-glorifying, and causes me to subconsciously (or consciously) place myself and my needs above all else around me.
For pride to be foundational in my life and dictating the way I live, especially as a Christ-follower, well, it's something that I think is counterproductive to being just that.
If I say I want to be like Jesus, that means the whole deal. This is a challenge presented to all Christ followers... but no one, no God is gonna make you be like Jesus - that's why free will in the mix is so important. It's a tandem walk with him. There is choice involved, in conjunction with him working it out in us, transforming us as we yield to the opportunities to change.
For a lot of people, including myself at times, to be a Christian has turned out to be nothing more than a life enhancement. The message that you'll be happier, have more peace, more joy, yada yada yada is typical of our current American Christian culture in trying to "win souls"... In the last couple of years I have felt an internal revolt inside me towards the mainstream Christian establishment which essentially tries to draw people in through the same methods that the world presents. I have a problem with the establishment as a whole, which is part the rebel in me, wanting so desperately for people to see Jesus for who He really is, and not the way some of his supposed followers have represented him. We have a mantle of responsibility so great as Christ followers to represent him accurately to the world, because that is what he told us to do. And we have failed, in many ways. Not all have, but the fact that we are in a post-Christian society shows how effective the current model actually is. Heck, I ALSO have more peace, more joy and more perspective when I am as high as a kite. Same draw. Same conflict I've had in my life at times. So my point is...
I started realizing that to really be a "Christian", or "Christ follower" meant much more than all I had ever known it to be my entire life... Holy crap people, do you realize what it really means to follow Jesus? Do you know what he asked of those who followed him when he was here in the flesh? Somehow we have selectively chosen from Jesus' teachings as they fit according to our lifestyle and rejected the rest. What about sell all your possessions and give them to the poor? Last time I checked he didn't say "if it's convenient for you" or "if you are called to it". What about the least among you are the greatest - and whatever you do to the least among you you do unto Me? What about the church - they distributed their possessions equally among themselves according to the needs among them - no one was in need... no rich man driving to church in a Bentley attending the same services as a single mom who is about to lose her home. I am not even scratching the surface... what I am trying to say is, as I have come to a place in my spiritual walk of really evaluating what it really means to be a Christ follower, I have realized that I have been wrong my whole life, and to follow Him means to act, and do, not just practically but also to move in the supernatural as well (signs and wonders are for the unbeliever).
Which leads me to the issue of my pride...
I have this feeling that part of the reason this is coming up is because I think God is truly massaging my heart and mind with all of the above, and showing me the obstacles in my own life if I am really serious about walking this out...
I've come to realize how pride has taken some deep roots specifically over this past season. It's very interesting - I think they've been there all the while, but this season we've been in - with the intense financial strain, feelings of vulnerability, releasing control and waiting as my husband learns his role as provider for the family among other things... there's been some redirection of the stress from being handled appropriately to internalizing it. Why would I have done that? Self preservation, keeping up appearances... I have realized that I've done this 1) because to freak out according to the level of stress I am feeling would probably put me into an asylum 2) I am just so tired of being "broken" and 3) I wanted to be sure everyone knew we were "on it", in "damage control mode" and to be sure that I was not acting like a victim, cause no one wants to be accused of that. I know we got ourselves into this situation, and by God we will get ourselves out... don't ask for help, take it as it comes, struggle alone, isolate...
I began to feel fear of being judged. I began to think about all the things people might be thinking or saying about us behind our backs, not limited to my family. I internalized all these thoughts and feelings. I started to recognize a hesitation when ministry time began at church... where in the past I had no problem going up for prayer at every service, now I recognized pride in me... "I need prayer, I need to fall apart, but I don't want them to think I am still so broken"... my pride would keep me from getting the help that I needed. See, when I left the church we recently have come back to, I was so utterly broken. In my pride, in my own strength, I have wanted them to see that I am better... and I am better, so beyond where I was when we left, but in a new place of massaging and changing of my heart... for the real deal, for the walking it out... for the commission.
My pride was keeping me from getting the help that I needed...the Help that God wanted to give to me.
And so here we are... we've returned to the familiar places... living in the townhouse Jason grew up in. Going to the church where we met and so many things ended and began for us. Old friendships. Fulfilling long postponed commitments. God is showing me the loose ends, and the loose ends need to be tied up for complete healing and restoration, which means no more fronts, facades or faking it. No more pride-driven living. To be real, exposed and vulnerable ... to lay down my fears of criticism and judgment. To understand walking with Jesus is to mirror John 14 ... to only do what the Father is doing, moment by moment, flying in the face of the world.
So, I get it, but I have been feeling so distracted in my walk. I've felt out of touch, lacking intimacy because I have just kept him at arms length. This is not an easy thing to let God work out in me. I am afraid of coming undone. In fact, as I was telling my Dad yesterday, he is working on my pride, and there is nothing I can do about it except be humbled... he disarms me and dis-empowers me from understanding what he's doing, and keeps me from being involved in the process other than to let him do the work, so that my self-righteousness cannot be fed anymore.
On Saturday I was cleaning the house, and decided to put on some worship. Typically I do this and end up in a puddle... I am so sensitive to worship I just cry the whole time. My heart had been growing hard from the depression and cycle of self-loathing and I suspected that I was going to eventually fall apart if I put it on. :) I put on Bethel Live's Be Lifted High album. This one song leaped out at me... your love never fails and never gives up, never runs out on me, your love never fails and never gives up, never runs out on me, and I found I could not hold back the tears... I felt the Lord was speaking to me... reminding me that no matter what walls I throw up, no matter how tired I am of being broken and how far I run from him, fearful that he will expose me or soften me so much that I can't stand, no matter WHAT, he is in love with me. His love will never run out on me. Never.
So, I heard his voice. I took note.
And then, on Sunday morning at church, what song does the band play?
Ha!
So I get the message, Daddy. :o) Your love never fails, and never gives up, never runs out on me... And you're in it for the long haul... it's not about what I do or don't do... you just love me, and you wanted me to know it. Jesus, you're so easy. I love you back.
higher than the mountains that I face stronger than the power of the grave constant in the trial and the change
One thing remains
Your love never fails It never gives up It never runs out on me
Because on and on and on and on it goes It overwhelmes and satisfies my soul And i'll never, ever, have to be afraid
One thing remains
In death In life I'm confident and covered by the Power of Your great love
My debt is paid Theres nothing that can separate My heart from Your great love
This post is to follow my last post which detailed my very crappy day on Tuesday. Yesterday was not like Tuesday. It was much more awesome.
First of all, I received this email in the morning:
hey brooke!
i know we're not close friends, but you know we have a long history (in a good way) and it's been so nice to reconnect with you lately.
my husband and i felt that as part of our giving this month that God was directing us to "replace" the hundred dollars you lost from the counterfeit bill. He's so faithful to all of us, and we're happy that we have the opportunity to do this.
Holy crap. That was my prayer about the counterfeit bill, that it would be restored to us somehow... in fact, I sort of was praying all day that that whole situation would be redeemed somehow. And there you have it. Restored. That's God's heart, total restoration... but it just gets better...
The thing is, though it may seem to you all that my husband is unemployed, he has actually been working two " "jobs"- one is a true "job" - on hold right now but is commission only sales on voluntary insurance benefits (like Aflac, but better - Colonial Life and Accident), while we get the town house ready to move into which has been a 70+ hour a week job now since the first week of November. The second is that he is seeking venture capitalists and angel investors for a start up company in the health care industry and if he finds someone who actually invests, he gets a commission on the investment. He has been working that on and off for several months and the insurance job on and off since February.
There've been many hopes dashed, to put it lightly.
We've really struggled with what to do about income since we started working on the town house... for one, neither of us are drawing any income at all and have been supported by the generosity of our family and by selling our "stuff" and finding ways to earn money on the side. Basically the situation in the town house was that my mother in law's stuff was still in it and she needed help moving it to her new house. It's not like we have been working on the town house spiffing it up, we've actually spent most of the last six weeks moving stuff out and just doing basic drywall and painting... that's it. Nothing more than that but it has been a HUGE undertaking. That's all I can really say about that.
Jason has "pushed on many doors" - applied for jobs at Home Depot, Lowes, etc, and been on interviews. I've also sought work at a daycare and at my daughter's preschool. Jason has been through the initial stages of the vetting process to become another insurance agent with another company. All doors shut. In like, multiple ways. We have tried to find other work but it seems as if the doors were completely shut in our faces. The cake thing I was doing In October ... well, she hasn't called me back. Maybe she didn't like my work? We asked for guidance from the Lord, for doors to shut if we weren't to go through them, and them to open or for signs if we were supposed to wait for something else. So it felt like we were perpetually stumped, and waiting, and sort of sensing in our spirits that we were to wait on this investor thing and the Colonial thing (the two are also somewhat related) since it was the only avenue that seemed to have any traction or forward motion at all.
Here we are. Weary.
Long story short... finances have been beyond tight or non existent. Every bill that's been paid lately has been due to the generosity of our mothers or from things we've sold. All the stuff we've needed to get the town house in order has been supplied by others or obtained for free. We are living on support from our families and proceeds from items we've sold. So when the counterfeit bill thing happened, I was just crushed. What little effort in my own strength to generate cash flow was stomped on... it was just the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak.
So, I get that email from an old, precious friend. Totally lifted my spirits and made my day. Add to that someone wanted to buy something we had on craigslist and came by yesterday, seeming to be very interested. And then, I get a text from Jason's mentor and the entrepreneur behind the start up I was talking about... "Brooke - call me ASAP!"....
My heart went into my throat.
I called him right away...
"Brooke... I have a check in my hand with Jason's name on it....."
I won't tell you how much, but I will tell you that it's enough to pay our bills for a few months.
My heart just swelled up with thankfulness. This is the breakthrough that we've been waiting for, hoping for, praying for, longing for... this is the sign that we're on the right track... this is the sign to ourselves and to others that our efforts have not been in vain... this is the answer to the plea that God knows what we're doing, that he knows our needs, that he knows that what we have doing, though it doesn't elicit a paycheck, has eternal value... this means so much. This is a stepping stone with the start up company in terms of a career for Jason, this is the sign that he should continue with Colonial... this buys us time for him to get reengaged after we move before we need to start seeking part time work... this is it.
As the reality sunk in that we could breathe, the phrase "restore the years the locusts have eaten" kept floating around in my head, in my spirit. I had no idea where it came from, so I Googled it, and found Joel 2:21-27... reading it, I was overcome.
I called my husband and his friend Sam and read it to them through tears over the phone.
To me, God was speaking this promise over us, of restoration, of grace, of redemption, not just for us financially, but for me, in this season my prayer has been that the Lord would fulfill his purposes for us, his destiny for us... I just love him, I want to love on him and my life to be a love song back to him, and I think he knows that.
I am so encouraged.
Joel 2:21-27
Surely he has done great things!
21 Do not be afraid, land of Judah;
be glad and rejoice.
Surely the LORD has done great things!
22 Do not be afraid, you wild animals,
for the pastures in the wilderness are becoming green.
The trees are bearing their fruit;
the fig tree and the vine yield their riches.
23Be glad, people of Zion,
rejoice in the LORD your God,
for he has given you the autumn rains
because he is faithful.
He sends you abundant showers,
both autumn and spring rains, as before.
24The threshing floors will be filled with grain;
the vats will overflow with new wine and oil.
25 “I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten—
With all that we're going through right now financially, sometimes it's hard to think about "the big picture"... why we made some of the decisions we made, for instance, about me not going to find another job and staying home with the kids... There have been a few times in the last couple years that I've gone back and read this letter I wrote on September 30th, 2009, after finding out that I was going to be laid off from my big fat corporate job,
The fact is, we knew we might go through what we're going through now. The attitude then was that it won't kill us, and that if we stay determined, we can build the life we want instead of being voluntarily enslaved to a corporation because of the pay and benefits... so hard to break free from, even though you may be miserable, the pay and benefits are SOOO good.
Anyway, without further ado, I give you my goodbye letter to Avaya. I hope it inspires you.
hiking at Fort Mountain State Park, north GA, August 2009
I sent this to the organization I worked in for 9 years as well as friends and colleagues in Sales and Services today as today is my off payroll date. I AM FREE!! YAY! hello everyone:
well, herein lies my goodbye to Avaya. i am quite verbose and known for running my mouth, and i don't plan to stop here. it's been a long 9 years, people! (forgive the lack of caps... sort of a rebellion... hee hee!) i also attached a pic of me and my kids, doing what we love best... enjoy :)
i just want to share with you all a little bit about my history here, who i was when i started, and who i am as i depart. and say goodbye, of course!
when my mother (marcia smith from georgia telco/georgia's own credit union - some remember her from the peachtree corners branch) frantically called me to tell me about the job opportunity at the local Lucent Customer Care Center that she'd heard about from montyce scott, i remember wondering if i could even do a job "like that". i swore up and down that i would NEVER work anywhere that required me to sit in front of a computer all day and talk on the phone. those of you that know me call me something like "throwback" or "flower child"... well, yeah, i am kinda like that, and yeah i really thought i would be satisfied cleaning toilets and waiting tables for a living if that was what made me happy. at that time, that is literally what i was doing. actually, i had quit my job waiting tables on new year's eve of 1999, so i could go to a party and not have to go in to work the next day. pretty lame. the next job i had was cleaning houses, and i was on toilet duty. yep. oh, and one more thing... i was 20 years old and pregnant with my son. let's just say the future did not look too bright for me at that time in my life. i had made a series of reckless choices and was bearing the full weight of those consequences... a very good thing to experience and motivate one to change.
i was always a very good student, with an excellent GPA in grade school. i even attended a grammar school in england (had to test to get in) and was one of their top students. so passing that test was not too hard. and the phone interview... passed that too. i got the job. $10.81 an hour... union guaranteed raises (thank you CWA). and full benefits after 6 months. sounded like a pretty cushy job ... the hook, line and sinker of corporate america.
i was assigned to marilyn duurham's team in government solutions as a collector. i still remember my customers' names and the wonderful people on that team... kyle westbrook, akyiel staley, marilyn jackson were all in my corner and some of the most wonderful friends. alison williams gave me the crib i used for my son. chandra herring and rosita rosier (god rest her soul) were like mamas to me. it was a safe and good place to grow and learn.
when Avaya spun off from Lucent, i was just heading out on a one year maternity leave. i returned to lots of changes, but still the same wonderful team who helped me learn the ropes again. i was also going through an extremely difficult time in my life... and i remember most about that time that my team and my wonderful coach marilyn were there for me. this was all just after 9/11 and soon, everything tanked. i found myself unemployed with a layoff in july of 2002. thankfully, and because of what marilyn duurham saw in me, i was brought back in december of that same year. at that point i was determined that i would not be satisfied to remain a rep... that i wanted to grow and go into management. and that is exactly what i did... and i never looked back... well, maybe once or twice :)
i have basically been a jack of all trades at Avaya. my resume is packed full of experience and things i've accomplished for this company... not much of it flows from one area to another area with much fluidity. from operations assistant to process manager to training manager to .... what??? AR/escalation person? ahem... go figure... but i know i worked hard no matter what area i was in. i thought i had the "in" on the cush job with the cush benefits and thought maybe i should make this a career! after all i was working with some of the most tremendous people who INSPIRED me and were INVESTING in me... paulette carter (the BEST - it's because of her that i was given the opportunities to grow... she pulled all the best out of me... i love her and RESPECT her... she saw my outspoken-ness and used it to the fullest), traci bahsoon (the best coach who understood the importance of investing in her people... she really pushed me to be EXCELLENT, i miss her), gail moran (the refiner's fire... and mama bear... she is to me one of the most respectable women i have ever worked with)...
as a result, there was a time when i was afraid to lose my job. the reality is i have no college education, but FEAR provoked me to rack up too many dollars in student loans to attend university of phoenix to try to get a degree in business administration, so that if i lost my job, i wouldn't have to worry about getting another job making the same amount of money... HOW RIDICULOUS!! i was making decisions motivated by fear to keep a job that i never really thought i would be happy doing in the first place!! ("did she just say that?") it was at that point that i started daydreaming about all the things i WISH i had done different when i was 20 and waiting tables and cleaning toilets... and so it begins...
what began was the road to freedom from the mentality that i must rely on a large corporation to provide for me... both meet my needs monetarily and meet my family's health care needs... freedom from the thought that i do not possess within myself the ability to generate income on my own, with my own brain, with my own hands, with my own free spirit... the ability to learn, create, diversify... i began dreaming of the day that i would have the guts to walk away from doing the 9 to 5 (or rather, 8 to 7 ... lol) and take a risk to do something i loved, that filled up my soul. ... freedom from the thought that struggling is BAD and pain is avoidable in growth... what a falsehood. i know by my faith that it's the fire that purifies, that glorifies... that makes us beautiful and pure and STRONG. i looked forward to the day that i had the strength to walk away from corporate america into that fire and make a life. but i was hooked, SUNK by the "package" and financial constraints prevented me from finding the strength to do what i really wanted to do. so someone else made the decision for me. :)
so here i am. in the fire. thank you, Avaya restructuring people for giving me the OPPORTUNITY to be free to choose, free to plan, free to be creative and free to be motivated and free to learn and practice and grow and make money using my two hands and to feel the pain and the struggle and to go through the fire. i have to say that i didn't have the guts to do it on my own (and take hold of that freedom that was there all along). but you set me free, Avaya, and i am SO GRATEFUL! i am dead serious!! thank you!!
i am grateful to God for providing for me through Avaya for these 9 years. my employment at Avaya literally marked a true season or chapter in my life where i needed to be able to be self sufficient, independent, able to provide for myself and my child in every way until i got to a safe place in life... i am now married to my best friend, and have a lovely home and garden, and two precious children (Dakota is almost 9! and Shiloh, 13 months), a cat, a dog, and a beautiful life... kinda like Maslow's hierarcy of basic needs... i am at a place of self-actualization now, people, and it is the right time for this chapter to be closing.
this company has changed a lot. and that is really an understatement. i don't understand what the powers above are doing but i guess they know. my heart goes out to those of you that are left to feel the fire and the pinch here within the company. but the truth that applies to me is also the truth that applies to you... hopefully the fire that Avaya is in right now will truly yield a better and stronger company for all and not just lots of money for a few. in the meantime i will watch from the sidelines and pray! i wish i could send y'all some fireproof suits!
so... what do i want to say in closing... hmmm... well, i guess i should use this final Avaya email to tell you what i will be doing and how i plan to do it... i have already started not one but TWO businesses. those of you in the Atlanta area with a sweet tooth, check out my website - i am making cakes/cupcakes to order from scratch and they are FANCY! in fact my business is called fancy pants (goodies galore). the other is photography called snap! photography... my websites are below... i would really appreciate your support!
i really do wish you all the best. i will miss the people i've worked with the most. you all are wonderful people and i know you work really hard. hang in there and please... let's not let the relationships we've built dissipate. it's important to stay in touch. after all, the people are really what matter most here.
so, in the words of ISRAEL & NEW BREED... "it's a new season! it's a new day! fresh anointing... coming my way!! it's the spirit of power and prosperity!! it's a new season coming to me!!"
Worship Wednesday... Am I saying that this will be a regular thing? I don't know. But today, I feel like crawling in my Daddy God's arms and snuggling up, and letting Him comfort me and sing over me.
I've been working so hard on this blog and my new etsy shop; it's my way of trying to find ways to be creative - which I need to do to thrive - and also find ways to support my family. I've been stuck to the sagging couch. I was up till 1 last night, and this morning before I knew it, I had sat down to write some emails and work on my blog design, and I looked up and it was 12. Couldn't believe it. My babies are still in their pajamas as I write, with Nutella smeared all over their cheeks, taking a nap in hopes for a trip to the park when we wake (my promise to Shiloh from my guilt :( ). I am trying so hard to find a way to help support the family, while taking care of my babies at home. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I only know what I can do today. All of it requires endless effort with questionable return. But I am thankful for those supporting me, believing in me and standing with me as I explore ways of creatively digging ourselves out of this financial hell that we're in. So many lessons being learned, so much simplicity to find, so much sown in prayer that we reap in faith.
I say this to let you know why I need my Daddy God. When I'm in this place, I sense His great love. When I say everything fades, and I just crawl into His arms, that's what I mean. If you don't understand... think of the comfort you feel on a cold winter day, snuggled up by a fire with a hot cup of coffee, under your most comfortable blanket, and you think you could just stay there forever, would never want to leave... you feel safe, you feel warm, your needs are fully met, you are satisfied. You have to do nothing more than rest. Intimacy with Jesus is that and so much more. This is my quiet place with God. To come away with Him.
There are two songs I want to share by Jonathan David Helser. My parents are good friends with Jonathan and his wife Melissa. Last time they were together Jonathan gave them a stack of CDs and my dad hooked me up with a few of them - a couple others of theirs I already had. I have been so ministered to by their worship. Jonathan truly has a heart of David. He to me is like Kevin Prosch is to me... so pure hearted that the anointing when you listen to their worship is so strong, you feel God's presence right away.
The first is called "Abba"... Abba means "Daddy" in Hebrew. Listen to the words and let the music minister to you. You don't have to do anything - you can just rest.
And next, listen to this song called 'Intimacy'. I'll post the lyrics for you. The chorus is basically "I was made, I was made for intimacy". That's all there is. That's all he wants with us. To know him and be known. There is rest in that; no striving, just to know one another. What could be better than that?
These hands you made to hold yours, my love
These feet you shaped to walk with you in our garden
Friends, this is my official post to break the ice. I'm back. I haven't posted on this blog in over two years. But, I looked back, and I think I had some good things to say... and I have some things I want to say and to share now, that I find inappropriate for Facebook. Plus, this blog is prettier than my Facebook profile anyways, don't cha think?
My intention is to post frequently enough that this is a meaningful spot in the world wide web for people who might care to read what I write about my life, my spiritual walk, and all the other accoutrements of both. I've been a crunchy gal most of my life (minus the extreme liberality), but that's not to be the main theme of this blog (my crunchiness...hee hee, or crunchiness thereof), though you may find some "crumbs" of that here... I love Jesus deeply, but he is not a life enhancement, he is my love and my life, my reason for being, so you will find me talk a lot about him here and what he's teaching me... You may find pretty pictures, good recipes, stories about my past as it relates to me now and what I am learning about it, info on projects I'm working on, among other things. But what I "do" or how I dress, or what I am able to do in my free time does not define me. I struggle with that tremendously and so I keep myself in check by refocusing and remembering in whom I find my identity.
This post is my personal motives check. :)
Much love to you all and hope you find something meaningful about this place.
Meanwhile, enjoy this breathing space from a hike in the North Georgia Mountains we took last month with our little family:
