tough day.

this explains EVERYTHING.

WARNING: if you don't want to read my bellyaching, then stop here.

So, I woke up to two feverish babes.

It's crunch time/crunch week. Supposed to be packing/moving this week.... hoping to be "moved in" by Saturday night so we can set up the tree.

It's not really happening like that. We're behind schedule and seem to be getting even further behind.

This morning, I scrambled to get them dressed and fed and out the door to the doc in a box by 9.  Both are sick and want to be held.
Jason calls me to tell me he's coasting into a gas station on his way to the town house to work... makes it, although barely. He's gotta use the debit card to get gas, so that means I gotta go make a deposit. Grab the cash that we made from the garage sale and out the door.
On the way, I try to text my Mom. Text fails. Oh snap, the cell phones have finally been cut off. I was hoping I had a few days. Scramble and call Verizon. Pay them. Need to put money in the account for that now too. Good thing I grabbed that cash.
Got there, waited 45 minutes, chasing the kids all around CVS, trying to keep them happy with snacks and keeping Noah out of the shelves. Finally got called in. No insurance card, no check up. Had to turn right back around and leave the "little doctor" with ailing babes and no diagnosis.
Head to the credit union. Unload and carry babies inside. Feeling a little weary already. Get to the counter and fill out deposit slip. They call me up. Noah's on my hip and Shiloh's hanging onto my pants leg. Lady immediately looks at the $100 bill I handed her. Next thing I know she's telling me she isn't sure she can take it, then heads to the back to talk to a coworker... long story short, the bill was confiscated, a report filled out, because the bill was suspected of being counterfeit. COUNTERFEIT. That's right. Someone snowed me. At the garage sale I spent so much time working on... someone snowed me. 1/3 of our proceeds are worthless.

I started crying right there at the counter.

It's not like we're selling our crap so we can have fun with the money, we're not even able to buy Christmas gifts for our kids with it. We have to pay bills. Felt like I got punched in the gut. All I can think is why us? Why does it have to be us? Why not someone who doesn't need that $100 bill?

Come home... put Noah down for a nap. Sit Shiloh down to watch Mr Bean and have some lunch. I don't even know what I did during this time... but at 1:45 we had to get back in the truck to go to the doctor where we waited for two hours again to find both kids have strep.

Leave doctor. Proceed to drop off prescriptions to super nice lady at Rite Aid. Go get gas. Go get Dakota. Go home, put dinner in the oven, go back to Rite Aid. Find out they don't have one of the scripts that I dropped off. Kids have been in the car now for a couple hours. Noah is fussing. Now I have to go to Publix to get this other one filled. Lovely. One more place to have to drag my kids in and out of, both not feeling well. Oh and Noah smashed the banana I gave him in the car all over himself so he looks like a banana-faced ragamuffin. And I haven't showered in three days, and I look greasy and pimply faced and haggard. I just feel like trash.

Come home to dinner burned in the oven because I had to make the Publix stop.

Supposed to be packing now that I'm back at the house. I'm completely overwhelmed and get nothing done.

On days like this I really struggle to see past the end of my nose. I feel so much pressure ... that I start thinking of ways to escape. Truthfully, it usually involves the strong desire to get away into the mountains ALONE and camp and hike for days on end, with no responsibilities whatsoever... so I can find a little clarity and connect better with my Maker. The question I've been asking today is how am I supposed to "cast my cares" on him... I just don't know how to do that except to just get away with God and love on him and let him love on me. Too many talky prayers keep me focused on the issues, and I would rather just hang out with him. But I rarely get that time these days, so I am struggling. I get bogged down with the stress of the day and all I can think about is when this will all be over. Every day seems to compound one stress on top of another. This period of transition is making me feel oh so weary of life. I want to smile again, be easy again, be able to think about what we want to do on the weekends and do it, take my kids places and do things with them... feel free enough to be creative and think and execute all the stuff in my head. I am ready for this change to reach its fullness, but I know there is more spiritually that we are downloading through this process and I definitely don't want to short change myself by wishing something away and not staying in the present moment, able to hear and learn all that God is showing/speaking. Today, though, I was not in the moment. Or if I was, I was hating every minute.

I miss my home life. I miss my friends. I miss doing things that make us feel alive as a family and as individuals.  I want out of the pressure cooker and the bottom rungs of the Maslow's hierarchy. I want our life back and our dreams back.

Still I know, in my lowest points, being fluid and able to give, having open hands, remaining dependent on God for all things and every need to be met, staying in the moment, taking it easy and rolling with the punches  is all the good that I've been learning in this season and is the key to my sanity... If I could just remember this when days like this come around...