tough.

I've seen this blog post linked I don't know how many times in the last several weeks on Facebook and Twitter or whatnot, followed by many an amen from mothers like myself who feel validated when the voice of someone with the same thoughts and feelings concerning the plight of motherhood illuminates their own experience... an experience that largely, I've found, goes unexpressed with great honesty. 

The pretty pictures, the image, the facade that draws us in... it's beautiful and I respect it, and aspire to "do it all", but I fear that I spend too much time comparing myself to the writers of some of the blogs I read. I wonder if their blogs really reflect accurately the life that they lead... If I am honest, I envy their style, their financial flexibility, their apparent endless creativity and patience poured out on their children, and I question over and over my own state of mind concerning my role as a mother ...at home... day after day after day... and wonder what is wrong with me. Most days, I am just unhappy.

One thing I've found as I've entered the blogging world is that it is largely filled with other women - mothers - looking to 1) express themselves creatively (via many mediums, including the blog itself), 2) connect with other women/mothers and 3) make money doing it all. There is nothing wrong with any of this. I fit all three of these categories. But one thing I really wrestle with is the fact that in item # 1, in my need to express, I cannot fake it and pretend that all is well when it simply isn't. I write very candidly, honestly and openly about our life, circumstances and struggles, about my emotional and mental state, and I embarrass my mother in the process. However, I just can't do it any other way. This blog is just as much for me as it is for you. And I really need to connect with those of you who relate to where I am. I have found that through blogging, through the comments, and affections of many readers. For that, I am thankful. You all make me feel "normal". 

So when I say to you now that I am struggling... 

That I feel like a robot, not a woman, a wife, or an individual...

That some nights when the kids are finally in bed, I dread the fact that I have to wake up and do the same thing all over again the next day...

That I sometimes feel trapped and depressed...

That I yell too much and play too little...

That I don't enjoy being a stay at home mother most days...

That I don't even look in the mirror most mornings when I wake up...

That I can't imagine how some of you have five kids, when I am struggling this much with three...

That I am not sure what the solution is right now to feeling better, though I have some ideas.

So today, I got up and I went through the morning routine... kids to school (rounds 1 and 2), then went to Harry's (aka Whole Foods) to buy my grandmother (whose birthday is today - 86) some flowers and cupcakes, and decided it was time to actually purchase those supplements I have been meaning to purchase for some time. I bought 5-HTP with a little B vitamins in the mix, GABA, and a women's multi. I still need the Barlean's, but this will do for now. I am hoping to see a change in my overall response to stress and an improvement in my mood.

When I got to my Mamaw's, I broke out the bottles to take my first pills as she was telling me that she has been depressed also, and always is this time of year. We talked (she and I have always been close) about mothering as I chased Noah around the living room and kitchen, and motherhood, and she told me about her struggles... how she was very depressed at times, at home with her children, and my Papaw working all the time. She had family help (and other help later) come and live in with them to help take care of the children so that she could get out of the house and work also. She told me some other stories that were just - well, sad for her, but made me understand more about myself. Her mother had 8 or 9 if I remember right... and they had no other choice but to stay at home with their children! There was no contraception - they were just country people, and the mamas birthed their babies in the back room. How on earth did they manage? They weren't entitled to "girls nights" or "me time"...  yet it wasn't even any easier... This gives me perspective.

I looked at pictures of my great-grandma Judd (Roxie) - my Grandmama Nellie's mama's family - her mama had 8 kids in ten years (only one of them a boy)!!!! And I KNOW what those women are like... all I can say is, poor Ivy Mae. Here's a picture of them all... the farmhouse is in Kansas where they all lived before the Depression.

The truth is, I'm struggling to find joy in this role right now. I think the circumstances of our life and trying to get back on our feet is an added stress that is exacerbating my emotional state at the moment. The fact that I feel called to stay in this role also for the sake of my husband learning his path as both a man and a provider is something that is causing me to really have to dig deep and in the process of digging, I am unraveling a bit... letting go of some old thought patterns... becoming vulnerable in a way that I don't think even I understand. 

And this is the beginning of that process, I am sure...  to be able to see and accept all that occurs within chronos time for what it is, but come to a deeper place of knowing that the kairos time is overarching, and the facilitator of the weaving together of the cloth of this life that has my name - our name - on it.