one thing remains

Got a little story to tell ya. Something sweet. Something spiritual.

If you read my blog, last week I was really struggling. In fact, I just accepted that I was depressed and was honest with myself about the fact that being at home with my children, feeling trapped, stuck, whatever... was part of it.

Throughout the week, I felt a nudging from God about pride... he brought it up for the first time in November spoken through a friend during prayer... an opportunity for some self-examination and increased awareness of how pride is the root of a lot of the "issues" in my life.

Pride is not something I - in my conscious mind - want foundational to the way I live. Pride is self-preserving, self-upholding, self-glorifying, and causes me to subconsciously (or consciously) place myself and my needs above all else around me.

For pride to be foundational in my life and dictating the way I live, especially as a Christ-follower, well, it's something that I think is counterproductive to being just that.

If I say I want to be like Jesus, that means the whole deal. This is a challenge presented to all Christ followers... but no one, no God is gonna make you be like Jesus - that's why free will in the mix is so important. It's a tandem walk with him. There is choice involved, in conjunction with him working it out in us, transforming us as we yield to the opportunities to change.


For a lot of people, including myself at times, to be a Christian has turned out to be nothing more than a life enhancement. The message that you'll be happier, have more peace, more joy, yada yada yada is typical of our current American Christian culture in trying to "win souls"... In the last couple of years I have felt an internal revolt inside me towards the mainstream Christian establishment which essentially tries to draw people in through the same methods that the world presents. I have a problem with the establishment as a whole, which is part the rebel in me, wanting so desperately for people to see Jesus for who He really is, and not the way some of his supposed followers have represented him. We have a mantle of responsibility so great as Christ followers to represent him accurately to the world, because that is what he told us to do. And we have failed, in many ways. Not all have, but the fact that we are in a post-Christian society shows how effective the current model actually is. Heck, I ALSO have more peace, more joy and more perspective when I am as high as a kite. Same draw. Same conflict I've had in my life at times. So my point is...

I started realizing that to really be a "Christian", or "Christ follower" meant much more than all I had ever known it to be my entire life... Holy crap people, do you realize what it really means to follow Jesus? Do you know what he asked of those who followed him when he was here in the flesh? Somehow we have selectively chosen from Jesus' teachings as they fit according to our lifestyle and rejected the rest. What about sell all your possessions and give them to the poor? Last time I checked he didn't say "if it's convenient for you" or "if you are called to it". What about the least among you are the greatest - and whatever you do to the least among you you do unto Me? What about the church - they distributed their possessions equally among themselves according to the needs among them - no one was in need... no rich man driving to church in a Bentley attending the same services as a single mom who is about to lose her home. I am not even scratching the surface... what I am trying to say is, as I have come to a place in my spiritual walk of really evaluating what it really means to be a Christ follower, I have realized that I have been wrong my whole life, and to follow Him means to act, and do, not just practically but also to move in the supernatural as well (signs and wonders are for the unbeliever).

Which leads me to the issue of my pride...

I have this feeling that part of the reason this is coming up is because I think God is truly massaging my heart and mind with all of the above, and showing me the obstacles in my own life if I am really serious about walking this out...

I've come to realize how pride has taken some deep roots specifically over this past season. It's very interesting - I think they've been there all the while, but this season we've been in - with the intense financial strain, feelings of vulnerability, releasing control and waiting as my husband learns his role as provider for the family among other things... there's been some redirection of the stress from being handled appropriately to internalizing it. Why would I have done that? Self preservation, keeping up appearances... I have realized that I've done this 1) because to freak out according to the level of stress I am feeling would probably put me into an asylum 2) I am just so tired of being "broken" and 3) I wanted to be sure everyone knew we were "on it", in "damage control mode" and to be sure that I was not acting like a victim, cause no one wants to be accused of that. I know we got ourselves into this situation, and by God we will get ourselves out... don't ask for help, take it as it comes, struggle alone, isolate...

I began to feel fear of being judged. I began to think about all the things people might be thinking or saying about us behind our backs, not limited to my family. I internalized all these thoughts and feelings. I started to recognize a hesitation when ministry time began at church... where in the past I had no problem going up for prayer at every service, now I recognized pride in me... "I need prayer, I need to fall apart, but I don't want them to think I am still so broken"... my pride would keep me from getting the help that I needed. See, when I left the church we recently have come back to, I was so utterly broken. In my pride, in my own strength, I have wanted them to see that I am better... and I am better, so beyond where I was when we left, but in a new place of massaging and changing of my heart... for the real deal, for the walking it out... for the commission.

My pride was keeping me from getting the help that I needed...the Help that God wanted to give to me.

And so here we are... we've returned to the familiar places... living in the townhouse Jason grew up in. Going to the church where we met and so many things ended and began for us. Old friendships. Fulfilling long postponed commitments. God is showing me the loose ends, and the loose ends need to be tied up for complete healing and restoration, which means no more fronts, facades or faking it. No more pride-driven living. To be real, exposed and vulnerable ... to lay down my fears of criticism and judgment. To understand walking with Jesus is to mirror John 14 ... to only do what the Father is doing, moment by moment, flying in the face of the world.

So, I get it, but I have been feeling so distracted in my walk. I've felt out of touch, lacking intimacy because I have just kept him at arms length. This is not an easy thing to let God work out in me. I am afraid of coming undone. In fact, as I was telling my Dad yesterday, he is working on my pride, and there is nothing I can do about it except be humbled... he disarms me and dis-empowers me from understanding what he's doing, and keeps me from being involved in the process other than to let him do the work, so that my self-righteousness cannot be fed anymore.

On Saturday I was cleaning the house, and decided to put on some worship. Typically I do this and end up in a puddle... I am so sensitive to worship I just cry the whole time. My heart had been growing hard from the depression and cycle of self-loathing and I suspected that I was going to eventually fall apart if I put it on. :) I put on Bethel Live's Be Lifted High album. This one song leaped out at me... your love never fails and never gives up, never runs out on me, your love never fails and never gives up, never runs out on me, and I found I could not hold back the tears... I felt the Lord was speaking to me... reminding me that no matter what walls I throw up, no matter how tired I am of being broken and how far I run from him, fearful that he will expose me or soften me so much that I can't stand, no matter WHAT, he is in love with me. His love will never run out on me. Never.

So, I heard his voice. I took note.

And then, on Sunday morning at church, what song does the band play?

Ha!

So I get the message, Daddy. :o) Your love never fails, and never gives up, never runs out on me...
And you're in it for the long haul... it's not about what I do or don't do... you just love me, and you wanted me to know it. Jesus, you're so easy. I love you back.

higher than the mountains that I face
stronger than the power of the grave
constant in the trial and the change


One thing remains

Your love never fails
It never gives up
It never runs out on me

Because on and on and on and on it goes
It overwhelmes and satisfies my soul
And i'll never, ever, have to be afraid

One thing remains

In death
In life 
I'm confident and covered by the Power of Your great love

My debt is paid 
Theres nothing that can separate
My heart from Your great love