we interrupt this program for a VENTING SESSION

I hereby accept this opportunity to complain. If you don't want to hear it, then stop reading now. There aren't any fancy pictures, videos or whatnot. Just me on a rant.

Ya know, I was thinking earlier this week, I would write a seerrries about my birthday coming up... and thinking about, oh, all these things I hope to do better in the next year. PFFT is all I have to say about that right now. Oh yeah and you know what else I had up my sleeve? Well, last night I put together my MEAL PLAN for the next couple weeks, and did my grocery list, and planned to talk about how you could feed your family for such and such amount for such and such a time. PFFFFFFFFFFFFFT.

Guess what people.

Today SUCKED!

Oh there was a lot more that happened that I'll refrain from discussing here because it's just too complicated. But I will share about this afternoon. You know that food I was going to buy for the next couple of weeks and tell you all about? Well, I got to the checkout with it today... And some of you may know this, and some may not... basically, we are beyond just struggling financially... we are swirling down the financial drain. The only income we currently have is from my husband's side work and my Etsy shop, as well as some side work doing cake decorating for other small business owners (trying to get a job with a bakery in town... waiting oh so patiently for a call back). My husband is employed but in a commission only job that he had to take a leave from to make some money - good money, but then my unemployment benefits ran out, and I chose not to try to go for more because I felt convicted about it (since I am not aggressively looking for work with an infant and all)... and now his side work job has run out... He is trying to get the ball rolling again with his sales job (which will be his career and our bread and butter), but that doesn't pay the bills that are currently at hand. We are on every possible government benefit right now except for Section 8. Our house is on the market, but we may lose it before it sells. We went from being a SIX figure household to being a ZERO figure household.

So the food stamp account is usually replenished on the 5th of every month. I have been checking our account  online because TWO WEEKS AGO I sent in my renewal application and if they need anything else they are supposed to contact me to let me know. Well, today, I got to the checkout with my groceries. And my two kids in tow. And $40 cash I had from selling a stroller, so I could buy baby wipes and trash bags. And Shiloh a treat for being a good girl in the store....

Well, the food stamp account had not been replenished. So, at the checkout, I had to leave my groceries and walk away. With a line behind me. What a friggin' great feeling that was. Then, I got home to find the list of crap they needed from me in the mail, and oh yeah in the meantime, they have decided to suspend our food stamp account until they get all that stuff from me. Thanks for the notice, ladies.

I was there at Target because I'd received a $30 gift card for my birthday, and I was excited to buy something for myself and get to shop a bit, since this is such a rare thing these days. I ended up using part of my card balance to buy the things I needed, versus something I really wanted. That really sucked!

Add to that I am supposed to be having a "party" this Saturday... on my birthday, that I am not sure I can afford. Not to mention to that my sons' birthdays are the following two weekends. How the hell am I supposed to manage this? Am I just living in denial?

Tomorrow morning, I get to get up and go straight to the WIC office to try to get my two little ones back on WIC. Noah is right now, but Shiloh isn't. This is after this food stamp debaucle... and oh so exhausting to think about. Trust me, I am thankful for the benefits, but I so wish we didn't need them. I am so tired of jumping through hoops to keep them too, but I will do it because we simply cannot survive without them right now.

It's really hard for me to think about the future, the next year of my life and things I want to change, when I am having to learn to not think too far into the future and just accept each day for what it is, for all it brings in and of itself, because to look so far into the future causes me such anxiety. Right now, I am learning to cope with the daily stresses of parenting three children, keeping the house in order, myself in order, and my marriage interesting. After over two years of me not working, and one year of my husband not working, we had been doing okay, and the stresses of money and the lack thereof have not really affected "us"... but lately, they have been. And I find myself worrying about whether or not we are going to sell stuff on craigslist just to pay the gas or electric bill. I am trying to find ways to make money creatively, without having to just jump back into the corporate world, which is far less secure, much easier to get stuck in for life (not something I really want to do again), and just not my style. However, necessity will eventually lead me there if things don't change soon, and I am open to just about anything. I hope that this opportunity for my husband to find himself and a career of sorts will yield some return ... which is why I don't feel like I should jump in and take the reins. So, yes, I am venting, does it suck sometimes, yes, and a lot more lately. But do I cope, do I cry, do I take it a day at a time? Yes I do... all of that. And drink a glass of wine at night.

So now I am tired. I cannot think of an appropriate close. Here I am, raw, exposed, and vulnerable. Love me or leave me, but I am going to bed.

love B.