what the Proverbs 31 woman doesn't tell you...

This was my dining room table yesterday afternoon around 2:15PM. 

This picture perfectly captures the struggle of the day to day for us mothers who both work and stay at home with our children... trying to meet their needs and keep them challenged and creative while trying to keep our households and business affairs in order.

I am feeling a little overwhelmed the last few days... there are so many irons on the fire here at our house. 

I have been working every day this week. I leave at 3, so I try to pack as much as I can get done into the morning/early afternoon hours. 

The house is a mess. We've done the laundry but it never got folded. The floors are horrendously dirty and need a sweep and hand mop. The bathroom needs cleaning. The bedrooms need cleaning. 

Kids need baths. 

My oldest son has been having a pretty rough week and we discovered that he was already failing two classes, and it appears that he is having a hard time adjusting to middle school. I have mentioned this before but for those who don't know, he is most definitely on the Spectrum, most likely Asperger's... we treat severe distractability and impulsivity with med used to treat ADHD... and it appears he is really not adjusting to all the additional sensory and logistical changes. This has been a big stressor this week, making calls to teachers and counselors, to Dakota's dad, and to the homeschool people, trying to decide how to "solve" this particular problem. 

Taxes are coming due.

Jason has some really big possibilities coming up with work...

I have my shop to think about - so much inventory to add and no time. Trying to find a balance with that...

And Bethel - Jason and I started a 2 year intensive Bible study called Bethel and we have soooo much reading to do... getting up at 6:00AM is just going to have to become the new normal... even earlier probably, to get it all done.

I feel like working less will solve the issues with Dakota in some way. I need to be home with him more so I can help him after school. I feel so disconnected from him and when there is all this struggle I really want to be there as much as I can. 

Just feeling a little overwhelmed with everything on my plate right now... as a mother, as a wife... as a homemaker. In every way. 

What the Proverbs 31 woman doesn't tell you is that she has to get up before the sun comes up because there's just not enough time to get anything done!

so, Dakota DOESN'T have Asperger's??

Yeah, so that's what the psychiatrist at the Marcus Autism Center said today... what!?!?

Late last year we were offered an evaluation at Brain Balance in Peachtree City to have Dakota tested for whatever neurological stuff was ailing him. You can read that post here. He was given every diagnostic test under the sun to determine whether "it" was high-functioning autism, Asperger's syndrome, ADHD (well, we knew that part), or something else. Brain Balance also did a sensory-motor and cognitive evaluation to determine how certain centers of the brain functioned. It was very thorough. The thing is, they are technically not a diagnostic facility. They basically do those tests and then tell you this, and leave you to draw your own conclusions, which for us was a definitive diagnosis of him being Asperger's. I have felt for many years that this was "the problem", because every description of Asperger's seemed to describe my son. There were some aspects of it that didn't seem to match up... but overall it hit the nail on the head. The other thing is on his GADS (Gilliam Asperger's Disorder Scale) he scored a 113, and "definite" for Asperger's is 80+. What!?

So I guess this guy, one of the psychiatrists at the Marcus Autism Center - who I am assuming sees many - possibly hundreds of kids - each week, knows when he sees autism spectrum disorders and when he doesn't. We spent an hour with him. He reviewed all the test results we got back from Brain Balance. Then he asked Dakota if he could sit in the waiting room while he and I talked. 

Then this doctor began to explain to me that the primary indicator for an autism spectrum disorder is an inability to empathize and/or read and respond appropriately to others' emotions and moods (or something like that). And clearly, Dakota does not have that problem. For example, all throughout the meeting Dakota was extremely sensitive to what was said about him and to my moods and facial expressions... He also explained that there have been some studies done recently on kids who are severe ADHD but have minimal brain dysfunction or some sensory issues coming up with high scores on the GADS and GARS (Gilliam Autism Rating Scale). To cut to the chase, he diagnosed Dakota as being severely ADHD with anxiety disorder and minimal brain dysfunction... and blamed the anxiety disorder for the irritability, argumentativeness, and anger issues. This all makes sense to me, for sure. And he is a worry wart who hates his routine and predictability upset or disturbed, and will pester me to death to be sure things aren't going to change on him... it is much harder for him to roll with the punches without having a meltdown or crying spell. The list goes on... and on... and on....

What has been recommended at this point is that Dakota have an EKG and that we consider him taking a medication usually prescribed for blood pressure called Tenex, now being used off-label for anxiety, which is a "safer" alternative to neurologically affecting drugs like Prozac or Zoloft. Frankly if the doctor had recommended any of the latter drugs, I might be concerned... however, since Tenex from what I can tell has less side effects and is actually physiologically affecting with the side effect of lowering anxiety. I am willing to try it. It's also been recommended that we try family therapy, and try to get Dakota into a social skills group - both of which I have been wanting to do. I am hoping some of this will be covered by his insurance. 

Sooo... I am not sure how I feel about this, except I guess maybe I am a little relieved that Asperger's is not necessarily the issue. And that possibly medication will help to take the edge off ... and help him to roll with things a little better, which I believe will help him in school next year and most definitely help here at home, as we learn different strategies of parenting him, and working through the positive changes this should bring about. He will still be taking Concerta, which keeps the impulsivity at bay, but adds to his irritability. 

Dakota is relieved too in some ways... and though he is a little frustrated at the thought of taking more medication, he is open to the idea that this is something that is going to make him - who is a Very Good Thing - even better and help him in the long run. I just want my son to be happy, healthy, and contribute positively to society - to find something that he loves to do and really DO it. 

So here's to hoping we're on to something... your prayers would be appreciated... and if any of you out there know anything about Tenex and it's effectiveness, I'd be curious to learn your experience with it. 

Much love,

Brooke

we went on a date (and other musings)

We went on a date. 

Well, we were supposed to be going to the District 11 GOP Convention as delegates earlyon Saturday (both Jason and I), but we could not afford it - ha! Doesn't that suck? All that work sitting through the County Convention just to get on the list as a delegate (being Ron Paul supporters, this was the strategy... working the system from the inside out)... and we couldn't go. We had some other logisitics issues as well, but already had plans that our kids were going to be with my sister's kids at my Mom's house in the afternoon... so we figured we could swing a little aloooone time, which we did. 

We went to the Alpharetta Arts Festival... not too big of a festival that had a few good food vendors, and a lot of great artists - those kinds of things are always fun to stroll through, and even more fun when you have money. I personally prefer arts and crafts fairs like the Inman Park Arts Festival coming up at the end of this month where the stuff in the booths is a little more "accessible" - not too pricey with a wide variety of arts. And of course it's near Little 5 Points, Atlanta's own ecclectic corner (and old stomping grounds). I got some killer cushion covers made out of Guatemalan embroidered dresses the last time we went for a great deal. Looking forward to going to that...

Anyways, we didn't do too much, just ate some good Soba noodle and veggie stir fry, saw some art, talked to a few artists, and then went for coffee. My husband was especially goofy today... guess that's what happens when you're not parenting. You'll see in the pictures...

Sometimes it takes us a minute to realize we are kidless... and once we do most times our conversation revolves around parenting, how to do it better, especially with regard to our oldest son... something we both really need to do is learn more about how the mind of a kid with Asperger's works, understand that and alter our parenting accordingly. It is super tough. The whole damn thing. And makes you painfully aware of your humanity and weaknesses and the length of your patience. I know there is so much more that we could be doing for him... we need to be more strict about his diet, we need to get into a support group with other parents for ourselves and so we can learn what "normal" actually is, we need to do his Brain Balance exercises, do we homeschool? et cetera... I don't talk about this much on my blog, but it might as well be the elephant in the room... it is the most stressful and energy consuming part of our lives... our shortcomings are glaringly apparent... it's easier to just try to survive day to day than think about the breadth of the issue we really need to face... 

I realized tonight that it was around this time - when Shiloh was Noah's current age (almost 18 months) that I got pregnant with Noah... I can't even imagine doing that now... I think we are done with having kids - but I always wonder if in a few years I might think otherwise. I don't know. Our plate is full and we need to get our life back... such an odd thought to realize I even put off getting pregnant again after Shiloh, I was so anxious to have another one so soon after she was born. 

We also talked about our financial situation... we really need a car soon so Jason can start going into the office 9-5 everyday and really busting it with the insurance gig he has with Colonial Life. I am going to start a "shop my closet" thing and add some great new stuff to my shop with the goal/hopes of making $350 so I can invest it back into my vintage clothing shop on Etsy... I need $350 to get some inventory from this place I found and it would really free me up from the shopping side and I'd get a nice boost of great inventory. I am going to try to make a stab at that and see where I get... so I'll be posting all that soon... 

I guess when you've been together as long as we have, and have the noise of kids all day long, date night sometimes gets reserved for talking about stuff you put off during the week, since by the time the house is quiet, you just want to crash. Annnnnd the pressure is off, you don't really have to do much except be together, except I won't lie, I really want a day to lay on a blanket in the park and just chill, or go away for a weekend. We haven't done that AT ALL since we got married... except for our one-year anniversary. God how I would love to go to the beach with my man for a weekend. 

Anyways... just rambling now. Hell I am not even going to edit this. I am just going to post the darn thing. So here are our goofy pictures from this afternoon... I even said at one point "take some pictures of me so I can post them on my blog"... in a goofy, sultry voice -- and those pics turned out horribly. Which is fabulous.

note that in this picture I am about to eat Soba noodles...

here I am eating the Soba noodles... 

nice old man in a nice hat. and the booths and stuff.

he's drooling. yep.

and drooling some more.

sorta nice, but, not really.

bad Jason. but cute.

tried to take a pic of me but then some lady was driving up right in the middle of it asking for directions...

rawr.

Jason tried to be artistic.

...and again.

:)

Jason said "let me catch you in your element". lame. 

So that's it!

Night night.

Brooke

living with an Asperger's child

(insert long sigh that will precede this monologue)

I must say to you rather candidly that it is very easy for me to live in a state of denial about the fact that my son has Asperger's Syndrome. When I am in denial  - choosing to ignore the situation, and selectively forget about what needs to be done, things seem "normal". Just letting him do what he wants, fuel his narrow obsessions and cope with his eccentricities is normal to us. Frankly, it is extremely overwhelming to me - all that needs to be done to help him, coupled with the daily struggles we face, the trial and error of parenting, the learning process about what we CAN change in him and what we just need to accept, the financial needs, the frustration we feel... I could go on and on.

There are so many next steps for us with regard to what we recently learned about Dakota, and in conjunction with where we are in our life - in a state of upheaval and transition - it's so easy to shut down. Lately I have been funneling all my energy into trying to get some income flowing that since his "diagnosis" we haven't really spent a lot of energy trying to figure out how to get therapy down at Brain Balance funded. It is SO expensive, but I believe we can get it done, it will just take some shifting and changing and creativity. Meanwhile, we are swirling down the proverbial financial drain in all other areas of our life. So it is easy to lose focus, you see?

I was thinking this morning about one of the first major revelations that I had concerning Dakota. I was pulling into the BJ's parking lot listening to NPR's Weekend Edition on a cool early Spring Saturday morning in 2010 and on comes a story on Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling's son Grant who has Asperger's Syndrome and the book he and his wife wrote about it, called "The Best Kind of Different". 

You can read the transcript or listen to the story HERE....

And I strongly suggest you do.

Because as I sat in my old '89 Suburban listening to his mother and father describe his "symptoms", the hair on my very neck stood on end. It was almost as if someone had stepped into our home and had been observing Dakota's behavior and decided to do a story about it on NPR. I couldn't believe it. Moreover, I couldn't believe someone so specifically described my son's behavior, and there was a REASON for it... it wasn't something that we could discipline him out of, no matter how hard we tried, that was it - this was just HIM.

That moment was the start of a looong process. I had scheduled for him to be evaluated down at the Marcus Institute a few months later, but got cold feet when I realized that once he was "labeled" and Asperger's was on his health record, that he may be un-insurable in the future due to the fact that he takes medication. Desperation led us to taking him off gluten and casein, and eventually to Brain Balance where we received a very comprehensive neuro-psych review that revealed the extent of his Asperger's.

We have so much to learn. And so much to do.

Blogging about this helps me to not "stuff" and to remember to voice my feelings, frustrations and be accountable to something. Even if it is a web audience that I can't see, touch or feel.

Listen to that NPR story I shared. You'll be listening to a description of my son, and hopefully it will help you, the reader, connect with where we're coming from as we share about living with a child with Asperger's.

Thanks for reading.

Brooke

easy peasy and super healthy kale and root vegetable stew

I think we're due for a recipe around here... something warming, healthy, and Mommy friendly.

Normally I plan meals loosely and have staples ready in the freezer/pantry to throw something together. Often though lately I am being forced to improvise with what I have. We're on food stamps right now, ( :( ) which is a huge benefit to us for now, but our budget is extremely limited, so I find myself stretching what we have even more as the month winds down. A lot of times I find I've purchased an ingredient for one purpose but end up using it for something completely different later. This was the case for last night's dinner.

I bought like ten pounds of carrots and three pounds of kale with the intention to juice them, and have yet to get to that part... and there were sweet potatoes in the fruit basket that had been begging to be cooked for a couple weeks... good thing about root vegetables, they keep for a good while... couple that with my stock pile of canned beans (thank you WIC)... I had something delish in mind.

I've made this "stew" before... it's really an elaboration on one of my favorite meals, beans and greens (usually butter beans or field peas and collards). It's hearty, extremely healthy and - to top it off - great for "picking from" to feed a self-feeding infant! I tend to choose meals so that I don't have to prepare something completely different for Noah. Top it off with the fact that every meal I cook should be at least gluten free and ideally both gluten free AND casein free for Dakota... well, I have a lot of factors to consider. This pretty much covers them all.

Kale and Root Vegetable Stew (original recipe by Brooke Hammel)

Ingredients:
2 - 3 sweet potatoes, peeled and cut into large chunks (1 1/2 inches minimum)
4 large whole carrots, peeled and cut into 1 inch chunks
4 or 5 big handfuls of chopped kale (I recommend prewashed, prepackaged kale - kale has lots of pesticides and is hard to clean unless you want to buy organic, and that is even better!)
1/3 to half a 6-qt soup pot full of water (3 qts seems like a lot... so lean towards 2 qts or 8 - 9 cups)
two packets of Wiley's Greens Seasoning (available in the produce section, otherwise click on link and order)
1 can of black eyed peas, unseasoned and drained
1 can of Great Northern beans, unseasoned and drained
a little garlic

Directions: This recipe couldn't be easier and is ready to eat as soon as your root vegetables are soft. You don't want to overcook them because the sweet potatoes will break down and become mushy.

Chop the root vegetables into 1 - 1/2 in chunks. Fill your soup pot about 1/3 to 1/2 full of water. Add the Wiley's seasoning packets. Kick the heat up to high to get the water hot and ready for wilting the kale. Add the cans of beans and chopped kale. Bring to a boil and then a hearty simmer until your root vegetables are soft, but not too soft, and the kale is wilted, about 20 minutes.

I served mine with sprouted Ezekiel cinnamon raisin toast (gluten free bread by Udi's for Dakota) and real butter.

The best part is this is totally baby friendly! I just fished out chunks of sweet potato, carrots, beans and kale and they were perfectly soft, and perfectly ready for my little baby boy to eat!

Yes that is a fairy wand he is holding... don't ask.

Everyone enjoyed it... well, almost everyone - Shiloh won't eat much of anything these days that looks "weird"... the hubs ate two bowls of it. And there's at least four servings remaining in the fridge. This should serve up to 8 people I reckon and give us leftovers for tonight.

Enjoy it! Bless y'all!

Love B

things change, but yet they stay the same.

Dakota August 2009, age 9 @ Fort Mountain State Park, GA

It's been quite a week (insert long sigh).

I don't really know how to begin this post, and I've been thinking about it for a few days, but for starters, I want to say that the reason I am "coming out" with this recent news is in the hopes that maybe now my blog will become more than just a way to share my life with the rest of the world... but to find others with whom I can share the ups and downs of parenting a special needs child, provide support, insight, and gain the same... and of course - blogging is an outlet... and I reckon I will need to vent here every once in awhile...

I'll add that this is something that we've suspected for quite some time... and now has been confirmed for us. 

Dakota was officially identified on Friday after several evaluations (I don't want to say diagnosed, so there) as "having" Asperger Disorder AND high functioning autism. He is almost 11 years old. Some people think Asperger Disorder IS high functioning autism, and the "paths cross" in many ways, but there are two separate standardized tests that were issued (among many others - including a separate sensory motor evaluation and cognitive evaluation). On the GADS (Gilliam Asperger's Disorder Scale measuring probability , with a scale of 1-80, 80 being a "definite", Dakota scored a 113... that's 33 points ABOVE the marker for definitely having Asperger's Disorder. On the GARS (Gilliam Autism Rating Scale), with the same 1-80 scale, he scored a 74. So he "probably" is high functioning autism, but definitely Asperger, and DEFINITELY ADHD (separate evaluation - 65+ being significant, he was 75). 

Dakota at Grayton Beach, 5/07, age 6 (photos by Laura Dison)

We already knew about the probable ADHD but suspected more was "wrong" for many years. He was just, well, different. The list of "differences" is long... but his primary issues were that he was basically socially inept, unable to decipher social cues, extreme interest in one subject with little regard for anything else, "bull in a china shop", has poor fine motor skills (cannot really even cut his own food very well), sensitive to food textures and clothing textures and hypersensitive to smells, inability to process multi-step directions, and extreme impulsivity (diarrhea of the mouth, too.. no filter). Part of me was dealing with denial... and this is the thing, these kids appear normal or "neurotypical" from the outside, but only after some interaction with them do you realize that something is different. 

Dakota received a "pseudo-diagnosis" via his pediatrician of ADHD, and has been taking medication for about two or three years to deal with the extreme impulsivity and inattentiveness (when there is a lot of other sensory stimulation going on). In addition to this I had done a lot of research about the gluten free/casein free diet and even done a paper about it in "college" (University of Phoenix - blech) as it relates to children on the autism spectrum (now known as the PDD or Pervasive Developmental Disorder spectrum). That's a WHOLE 'NOTHER post for a whole 'nother day. The bottom line is taking him off gluten and casein (basically milk products) improved his behavior so remarkably, that he no longer required the Student Support Team at school. We have since relaxed the casein free part but may need to go back since this will most likely be one of the recommendations we receive. 

His issues were not totally resolved by diet and meds, and so we knew, there was more that just couldn't be touched by either, and we needed to know...  moreover, he needed to know as he matures... what aspects of his behavior could not be changed by diet or meds or discipline... and so he could understand both his limitations and strengths. His strengths are TREMENDOUS, but where his brain is weak it somewhat hinders those strengths from being as strong as they could be... it's like the brain masks or drags down the strong areas. There is SO much in terms of "results" that we received... specific to what age certain lobes of the brain actually are, some are really high, some are really really young. His left brain age averages to age 12 (he is almost 11), because some areas are really high but those weak areas drag him down, and his right brain is age 6. So in some ways, we are dealing with a six-year old. 

The black and white photo series here is Dakota at age 6... and one of my favorites taken by my cousin Laura Dison. It really captures his personality both then AND now.

So now, things change, but really they stay the same. Now we know for sure. What is key now is that we have to change our response in parenting Dakota according to those things that we cannot discipline him out of... or those things we've tried to guide him out of that we're basically wasting our breath on... he will need accommodations at school (though doing well academically, there are some things he needs accommodations on) and that process needs to be set in motion. The treatment program at Brain Balance in Peachtree City is where we want to send him, but that requires a LOT of money in addition to a lifestyle that will need to be built around his treatment and care (3x a week driving to Peachtree City, about 57 miles from here). How we get there, I have no idea. This is all so overwhelming, really. 

Your prayers for this next season are appreciated. The revelation that elevated consciousness requires elevated responsibility came timely... we can't turn back now. Dakota is worth it. 

Here's some more info on Asperger Disorder (also called Asperger Syndrome) if you're interested:

Summary of Asperger Characteristics

DSM–IV criteria for the diagnosis of Asperger disorder

Dakota now, age 10