the truth

It’s 10:23 PM. I just spent my first day off with my family in five days. I made a nice dinner. The kids were helyuns, but what else is new. I went through the motions of the day, being a mother and a wife, being a housekeeper and toy-putter-awayer. I didn’t do any laundry because my husband really did most of that…  I felt thankful for a “normal” day, where I was home to make dinner, serve dinner, help with the children getting them bathed and ready for bed and tucked in bed. These little things are treasured now that I am home so little for them, when once they were laborious and somewhat loathsome at times.

I went to church this morning. I fell apart at church this morning. Pretty much like I do every Sunday I am there. I just completely fall apart. It doesn’t matter if the sermon was relevant or not, although most of the time it is. It doesn’t matter if the “worship was good” or someone “gave me a word” or whatever. All it takes is feeling safe for one moment. And the flood gates open up. I feel sort of embarrassed. The older I have become the more I worry about how this may appear to people. Because I sort of went through my lowest times in that church, I don’t want to appear weak and broken, but I want to appear stronger and more “together”… I guess I want it to seem like I am better than I was then… stronger. But the love of God disarms me. All my walls fall down.  The frustration, depression, sadness, angst and fear that has been building up inside me, looking for a way out via my flesh comes out in a torrent of tears.

The truth is, maybe I just seem like a big fat wuss or complainer or something here. Maybe you get tired of my bellyaching. But this is my space, and so I am going to just be honest and process all of my thoughts here and be as real as I can be because I don’t have any reason to pretend for any of you that my life is perfect. It’s not perfect. There are elements that are very sound and solid and good, and those include my marriage and my family. We do have major problems that can take days to recover from, and when I am in a funk it doesn’t help. But we always come through because we just LIKE each other that much. I don’t want to be distant from my BFF and that’s it. But the funk lately has been persistent. I have just come to the conclusion that I am not happy. I am not happy and that’s it. I do not experience happiness as a theme in my life. I believe that part of it is related to the change in our routine over the last few months with Jason working days and me working nights, separation from my children and the guilt that I feel and simply feeling very alone and distant from any existing friendships. I believe the uncertainty of our future, our financial future and all of the dreams we still have that seem so unattainable is weighing on my hope. I do not smile too often. When I wake up in the morning I look like I have been in a fight. I feel older, weaker, and just downcast. I feel a huge amount of pressure and intensity and I have found myself thinking thoughts and reminiscing about behaviors long buried. That is just the truth. I felt the Holy Spirit affirm that all of these thoughts were just because I was feeling so much pressure and stress, that I was looking for a way out, and that the enemy was using that vulnerability to try to derail me in a way that would achieve his ultimate goal which is to distract and destroy my life. That it was okay, he was here to comfort and hold me and give me a safe place to fall apart. And I experienced that today. But even then I have felt distant from God in the last few weeks. Not because of him, but because of me and this funk that I can’t seem to shake. 

And tonight, I don't have any kind of conclusion. No revelation, no closing thoughts. Just a confession. I don't know how to get out. I think I do... more time in the woods, take my supplements, eat better... keep things in perspective. I KNOW these things will help me. They have in the past and I can do it now, I just need to do it. And more time with God. I know he is a safe place and he loves me. And I can fall apart on him. 

Thanks for reading.