a body in perspective

There's been a bit of a struggle around here (in my head) lately.

I suppose I stopped taking care of myself the way I know that I should.

Back at the end of January, I bought 5-HTP and started taking it at night to help with depression. We'd been through a rough season in the previous months leading up to that point and were just starting to settle into our "new" home, and trying to get into the swing of when and how Jason would be working the insurance gig + trying to make enough money on the side to cover our bills, and whether or not I should take on a part time job, and whether or not that would interfere with Jason doing all that he needed to be doing for our future. The stresses of the season had really taken a toll and I knew I needed something... the deep dark hole of discontent was wet with tears and slippery with snot, and I wasn't sure I could gaze any further into my navel. So I decided that I needed the help, and on top of that I'd decided to start eating better and trying to get out in the woods more + exercising by way of long walks, etc. We kinda got into a groove there... I was cooking more gluten free for the whole family and back to eating more raw food, exercising a few days a week (mostly taking walks in the woods) and the 5-HTP seemed to have taken the edge off and I was consistently feeling better about myself and life in general.

And then we went to Chicago. A week of meat and dumplings and potatoes, no exercise and running out of 5-HTP in the middle of our busy and stressful week of non-stop work was the beginning of a few weeks of a downward spiral.

Backing up a bit... something I have been trying to come to grips with... my body... if I was eating right, trying to exercise as much as possible - keeping everything in balance with everything else I have to do around here - and things (meaning, my body) didn't really change, well, then I could be okay with that. After I weaned Noah, I went through a majorly low time of really struggling with how I felt about my body. I'd nursed Shiloh well into my pregnancy with Noah, and when I finally weaned Noah and the aftermath of three+ years of consecutive pregnancy/nursing set in... I was devastated. Literally my boobs went almost completely away - from a 34B to less than an A. Forget the fact that I already have had issues on and off with self-loathing in the past - never feeling "enough" and then adding to that the fact that I'd cut all my hair off a few months before, I just felt completely gross. I know in the grand scheme of things, none of this really matters, but when it's something you struggle with, well it's hard to just ignore. I am not super skinny. I don't have perfect legs, hair or skin. I'm pretty, but not that pretty. Just never enough. I've never felt like I was completely okay with myself. But I guess I have never been very driven to try to change that... never one to work out hard or anything like that. When I was exercising and eating better, I really didn't think about this stuff as much. It just wasn't high up in my consciousness anymore. I suppose I valued health over anything. But let me be clear... I have spent more time in my life concocting plans to "get in shape" than actually executing said plans... it's ridiculous.

But since I've stopped the routine I had going in February and March, I started noticing that the bugs in my head were returning. It didn't take long for me to realize why from a very practical perspective.

Then intersects this experience: we were in Waynesville, NC visiting with our friends at Camp Bethel. What our friends do is serve the poor and underprivileged, and rescue children/foster children and rescue animals ... they are - in short - awesome, and truly trying to live out their walk with Jesus. They have many acres in a cove in the mountains around Waynesville where they all live communally but aim to live lives of service and sacrifice. "Church" is held at this soup kitchen in Frog Level called "Open Door" on Sunday mornings ... the place looks like any old-town store-front restaurant space without all the embellishments, the rickety hardwood floors magnifying the sound.of each of the homeless folks trying to slip in slowly and sit down to just wait. The ones that arrive early are there for the service, which is directed by our friends Kalon and Richard. I helped lead worship this particular week, but most of the time Kalon does. Most of the folks don't really interact with one another. They just sit around tables. And wait. Haggard, some wasted, all tired. All poor. Some young, most old. All there to be comforted in both body and spirit. This particular week the meal being served was to be chicken, so the place was unusually packed, according to a certain fellow I met named William, whose facial expression did not change throughout the morning... he looked concerned, without change regardless of whether what was going on around him was good, bad or ugly. I tried talking to him, but he just stared at me with concern. The only things he said were about the fact that the place was more packed than usual, and that Shiloh's seat next to him was encroaching on his personal space. He ate, and like the others, left when they were finished with their meals.

When I left that place, I became very much aware of how this perspective had completely shifted and challenged the self-focused position I had found myself in the weeks preceding. 

It is as if an hour of serving people who needed something so much more than I do, being with those who Jesus himself says among whom he may be found, created or caused a shift inside of me... caused me to become complete instantaneously.

That I had become so spiritually and emotionally fat from feeding myself and my own needs and being so inwardly focused that pouring out for someone else had created balance that brought peace... the balance that only living for others in greater proportion to living for ourselves can bring... the balance that understanding the simple message of Jesus and walking it out could bring to my whole mind, body and spirit. And yet this is still not about me... though in it there is peace and a reward of contentment and fulfillment - that Jesus cares for every detail of being available to him  - to be used by him... there is 100% fulfillment of my needs to feel complete and whole, and fulfillment of the needs of whoever it is I have served and loved with his love...

Sooo... what I am walking away with is that not only is it beneficial for me to take care of myself, but that in taking care of others, there is both a physical and spiritual benefit that brings spiritual, emotional and physical peace and balance. That not only do I need to take the 5-HTP, or Holy Basil (as I am taking now), and resuming my walks and eating well, but the lack of pouring out and living as a true follower of Jesus has caused me to grow spiritually fat, the side effects of which sicken my whole being. It's as if I have come to understand the fullness of even the "benefits" of walking out my faith... that Jesus has taken to account every single detail... "that we might have life and have it to the fullest"... that's what he meant!! Even if our circumstances are terrible, that in the spirit, in our hearts, minds and emotions that we might have a fullness that supercedes all the crap in our flesh, and the focus of our flesh. 

source

It's time for me to begin walking out the desires that God has been stirring up in me to serve and love the poor... in it I believe he is trying to bring me to a place of balance, where I have both contentment and peace in my heart and mind, and contentment and fulfillment, and fullness of life... in conjunction with caring for this body and mind via the gifts of nature and nutrition that God has given us, there is something much greater and more beautiful and life-giving about pouring yourself out that brings more health and life to the mind and the body than any external thing possibly could. 

The fountains from which love flows are in God, not in us. It is absurd to think that the love of God is naturally in our hearts, as a result of our own nature. His love is there only because it “has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit . . .” 

(Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, April 30th)