more thoughts on perspective

Something that's been milling around in my noggin for the last couple of weeks is the importance of keeping things in perspective, both literally and figuratively.

As someone who struggles with depression off and on, I have found that there is a direct correlation between how narrow (or how wide) my perspective is and how depressed I feel. In searching for the answer to consistently feeling good, I have come to the realization that in order to maintain a positive outlook, my outlook needs to be broadened. The way that I feel on bad days has a lot to do with how narrow my perspective - my view of life - is. This seems so simple. But truthfully, it is life changing, for me at least.

The more I mill around in this small space, between these four walls, out of the sunlight, stuck in the routine of kids sleep schedules (and subsequently feeling trapped by them) and chores and trying to plan evenings so that I beat the meltdowns before they beat me, spend too many minutes looking at myself in the mirror, scrutinizing my body, my hair, the more depressed I feel. The more time I spend inside my own head, analyzing, reviewing, thinking... the more depressed I feel. The more focused I am on the mundane, the boring, the lull of the day, the more frustrated I feel. Then the downward spiral begins... dissatisfaction leads to comparison, leads to regret, leads to depression and pain.

I struggle on a pretty regular basis with regret. It sneaks up on me and covers me like a cloak, weighing me down and shrouding my vision. It is the ultimate place of darkness for me. I haven't shared all of my story, though I have shared some, but in a nutshell, I regret so much the waste of my twenties. When I should have been discovering who I was, studying in school or traveling, dating and breaking up, working and saving,  and planning my life, I was a parent, in a troubled marriage that eventually led to divorce, spent most of the time I dated my then boyfriend - now husband - struggling with my ex, struggling with a special needs child, with no real guidance or understanding on what was wrong or how to parent him. I was tied down to a desk at a corporate job, lured by benefits and the pay that allowed me to be independent enough to make changes that I needed to make when I needed to make them. I spent those years being a big time grown up. The deepest, darkest place for me is the place of comparison, and regret... seeing friends who took their time to live and become someone independent of anyone who was dependent on them, able to choose and be free, to do what they want... when I've spent too much time inside my own head, and when this spiral starts, this is where I end up. Just regretting everything. And feeling like I've wasted everything. I hate that place.

So, I'm learning how important it is to do simple things like getting out of the house, going for walks, getting into the woods... Being in nature does wonders for my head. I am really in need of a day to myself to go on a looooong hike. Just changing up my world view - literally - on a regular basis seems to keep the depression at bay. I really love going to Harry's down the street (basically Whole Foods - it's owned by them) as well... just being surrounded by such beautiful food and produce makes me feel happy. Sunshine on my face, treats for my senses... I feel alive and okay.

And then I read updates from childhood friend - one of my best friends when I lived in England - who is my age, with her first baby boy who is also my youngest son's age, who has advanced bowel cancer that showed up after the baby was born, who just started her second round of chemo and radiation, and just had another mass show up on her ovary. It may or may not be more cancer. If it is, it may be operable, or not. If not, she has a terminal diagnosis. Just like that.

Perspective.

First, it grieves me deeply to hear this - second, I need to recognize the fact that ANYTHING can happen, at any time, to any of us... and if something happened where my life was at risk or shortened, it would truly grieve me to have to confront the fact that I spent so much time thinking about the past, wishing things were different, or that I had lived differently in the past. In fact, to even think about my friend right now, in conjunction with all of this, well, it makes me think. Really hard.

The bottom line is, I need perspective. I need it on a daily basis. I need to choose it... to remember and keep close the fact that I have so much... health, a husband that I love still want to spend the rest of my days with, three healthy children, a place to live until we get on our feet, food in the pantry, two working paid for cars, knowledge on how to be healthy and stay healthy... I could go on and on. And I reckon thankfulness on a daily basis wouldn't hurt, would it?

Thank you for hanging with me as I work through this stuff, friends.

Brooke