ummm...
Every time I go to start a blog post I realize there is no way I can sum up with words the things of my heart... I struggle between the deep things and the simple things, and which to write. I am in a strange state at the moment. I think I am a little depressed, and I am not sure whether this is delayed postpartum depression, circumstantial depression, quarter life crisis, or the enemy messing with me. Or it could be all of the above. I think a lot about how to undo the feelings and thoughts that have invaded my mind... I am at a greater level of awareness now of my own mortality. It began with Shiloh's birth. I am anxious about driving. I am anxious about traveling - period. Are the doors locked at night, are the curtains closed, will the tree in the front fall on her room in a storm, do I recognize the stranger walking down the street... these thoughts are present in my mind far too often. I pray for Shiloh to have a long life full of happiness because I fear losing her. I fear losing my children and my husband. I am afraid that the blessings of my life today are too good to be true and that they will somehow disappear and I will have to return to suffering as part of my existence. And then comes the question about existence. I realize I will not be here forever. That my life on earth is finite. Why am I afraid of dying? Images of bad things happening roll over in my mind. Bad things happening to my children and to myself... my greatest fears... Then I realize that I just cannot imagine living like this forever. I don't want to lead a mundane existence only to perish with nothing left to show for my time here on this earth. I don't like feeling like I am wasting my time, wasting my existence working doing the same thing over and over again, in the same cycle, doing the same thing... never leaving the walls of my house. I want something tangible for them to touch, feel... I want them to not have to just visit my grave to see me or hear me again, I want there to be "things" - impact craters, so to speak, for them to visit... and I realize this is going to involve risk, and separation from the things that are familiar... and then I am afraid of that too. I wonder what this is all about, why am I here, what is the purpose of my life? What is the reason for my existence? Why did God give me my precious and beautiful children? Why do I feel these very strong feelings for them - what is the purpose of that painful love that alters you forever... can I really be one with my husband? How am I supposed to understand this? Why does God give us these questions? I am just really struggling with looking at life right now and ignoring the profundities that are always there to be found.
Now I am called back to the simple things... Shiloh has woken up and I need to go rock her back to sleep... and Dakota's front tooth has finally broken through after 8months (he just called me into his room to show me)...
You are not alone, I struggle with the exact same fears. Thank you for your vulnerability.
ReplyDeleteHey. Thanks for the post. It was a worthwhile one, even if not "simple."
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking and feeling the same way about purpose in life, and have been struggling with melancholy thoughts as well.
On fear and anxiety, Phil 4:6-8. I have to guard my heart and mind constantly with prayer, otherwise I am too easily engulfed by vain imagery. Being thankful each moment, rather than expectant, has also been helpful to me, though I still struggle.