(a delayed) lately

I started this post literally two weeks ago and never finished it. I just haven't had time to blog, but there are some thoughts shared here that I don't want to just let go... there are lots of really good things going on in our lives... things that have developed even after I penned these words...  lots more stability than in awhile and hope of better things to come... I plan to share this when I have time, but for now, life lately as of a couple of weeks ago....

When I write about something, I have to face it and deal, and I guess I have been in a sort of holding pattern of coping and blind trust, which is both good and bad. I am not sure if when you are practicing trusting God for every facet of your life if you are supposed to have moments of grief and fear and uncertainty... as I write this I realize that is ridiculous to think that you WOULDN'T feel those feelings... but yeah, I have really really been trying to let go of my fears about our finances and our future, and just trust God for the outcome. The good news is, Jason has a full time job. This means we don't see each other very much, which is hard, but God willing he will keep this job (or at least full time employment) for awhile, and we can start the slow and constraining but disciplined process of budgeting and paying down debt and getting back on our feet. We've had to face the reality that we aren't really going anywhere anytime soon, wisdom says that we ought to leverage this season living in this townhouse until we are in a financially better position (savings, no debt)... and that means embracing and accepting the future here for a longer season. In my heart I always wanted this to be transitional, and it still is, but it is home and it will be for at least another several months, probably a year, unless God does something drastic and miraculous (which is completely possible). I am trying to focus on things to be thankful for: two incomes, wonderful childcare for our little ones, working bodies and vehicles and access to the woods within steps of my home, the opportunity we have here living in this place, God's providence, being able to work for good people, etc. 

The hardest part for us right now is struggling through the season with so much time apart from each other. I usually work four nights a week and by the end of that fourth day we are both seriously taxed because we've been passing each other like ships in the night, we've both had the kids on our own, the care of the house, the dishes, etc both after working long days. It's been tough to accept that this may not really change any time soon. The little ones are at a challenging age... Shiloh is super sweet and easy going, but Noah is a MESS. He is 2 1/2 and testing every single boundary. He makes unbelievable messes out of the oddest things and is basically - and I hate to put it like this - a holy terror at times. Yesterday it was the whole roll of toilet paper in the toilet he dipped and pulled out  onto the bathroom floor (sorry - TWO rolls), the tantrums about wanting things he couldn't have, hitting and biting and punching, helping himself to the coffee on the counter... I could go on. He is extremely taxing as far as behaviorally. I love him soooo much and he is so cute and precious but this is a tough parenting season. 

The key is acceptance and grace I think. When you know that things aren't necessarily going to change, you have to really focus on what's good, knowing that unless you took major risks you can't really change your circumstances... if we can learn to find joy in this life as we have it I think we will have really reached a major milestone in this season... joy has been something we have had a hard time finding. We are both weary and mostly frustrated most of the time. We are practicing thankfulness and though it's hard we just have to take it one day at a time.

the mess + ever present heater

Personally I have been experiencing some grief that has resurfaced from a friendship lost many, many years ago. This person sort of resurfaced in a strange way ... I mean I knew they were around but seeing their face again and stuff caused some of the grief I did not allow myself to feel at that time (all of those choices/events took place during my divorce) to come back to life as if I had never felt it before; as if I am just feeling it for the first time. I feel sad and sorry. I feel like there is no resolution or closure... That feeling you have when you have no closure on something really wears on you because there is nothing that can be done to bring that closure. You are just left with all of these emotions that basically you can do nothing with. No one can fix it. Nothing makes it better. I can't decide which part of me is holding out hope for some sort of closure or just punishing myself with remorse. Either way, my heart is as sad again as if for the first time. The only thing I can think is that God is wanting to get in there to that place of brokenness and heal it. I am left in that place where all I can do is fall apart on Jesus... To go to him with my heart and ask for his comfort and healing and soothing and to silence the voice of the accuser in my head and heart... I am not the person I was because of his great love for me and mercy towards me and I need to remember that. I made some really bad mistakes and it sucks. The consequences of our bad choices exist regardless of whether or not we change or allow God to heal and I think the Lord can use consequences to hem us in and keep us vulnerable and close to his heart. That's the case in this situation - he is the only one who can comfort me and bring closure. I am thankful for my husband as he had been so supportive during this season - reminding me of God's work in my life and how that person is dead, and to believe that I am still any of what I was then is a lie because I have been not just redeemed but I have been changed by God's love for me.

SUNLIGHT!

On a lighter note, I am super excited about growing season coming up. Last frost date is not far away and the patio is getting lots more sun lately... so I am scraping up my dollars and saving for a big buy of fresh potting soil, tomatoes, peppers and pickling cucumbers and then we'll see what space is left when I have filled all of that up.I am super tired of being cold and thankful for the intermittent spells of warmer weather that we've had. It gives me hope for Spring.

That's really it for now...

Perhaps I will pass this way again soon.