manna

On Sunday during worship, I heard this word spoken to my heart. I know what it means. I mean, I know what it meant to the Israelites as they wandered in the desert, COMPLETELY dependent upon God for their every need to be met. They were frustrated with God. They looked back to Egypt, and their generations of suffering seemed to pale in comparison to the life of uncertainty they were facing there in the desert. In spite of the way he rescued them, brought them across the Red Sea and separated them from a nation who had oppressed them for generations, they grumbled against him. Their hunger pangs became so loud in their ears they could not remember the horrors of Egypt. And yet even in the midst of this he proved his love and faithfulness to them by providing just enough manna for them each morning to last them the day. In fact, any gathered and kept until the next day would spoil. There were some who gathered more than they needed for the day, kept the extra until the next day, and would find worms it it when they went to eat from it. 

It's as if the loving discipline from the Lord was to hem them in and not allow them to practice distrust. He created parameters for them to function ONLY in complete dependence upon him for all of their needs to be met. His loving discipline redirected and guided them back into practicing surrender and abandonment to his providence and love. There was enough for each day. It was enough. He was enough.

After I wrote the post about letting go of trying to find the lessons for this season, and just live and breathe each moment as it comes, staying as present as possible, I feel like we have been under ridiculous attack. I cannot explain it in any other way at all. The truck we just bought around Thanksgiving basically just had to have the engine rebuilt. While we were still driving the loaner vehicle we were using while the Suburban was in the shop, Jason wrecked our Subaru last Friday and it's most likely totaled. Dakota is having seemingly endless problems in school regardless of what changes we are trying to make to make it so he DOESN'T run into other kids (read: third fight in two months). Other small things then become bigger things when you are so stressed. 

There is a lesson in manna. The daily dependence on God... it is as much of a choice on our part to choose to abandon our own striving to provide for ourselves and our needs and simply receive what he has for us. It means letting go of understanding the lack and why there is a lack, or why there is plenty... the lack or the plenty are equally enough because we are ebbing and flowing within God's hands. Within the lack God has the opportunity to show up. Within the plenty we recognize his hand and blessing and give him glory. But he gives us enough for each day. It will be okay. Manna was there each morning, ready for collection in the morning, "enough" was according to the needs of each man for the day, nothing more, nothing less. I am trying to find the manna of grace, love and peace for each day that is already provided to me, to lay back and to trust and stop worrying about things I cannot control, or stop trying to control everything which creates anxiety and fear and frustration. 

This is where -- as my pastor put it -- "the sufficiency of Christ" is proven. This is where we realize the promise of peace, joy and love (among many other beautiful things) that comes from relationship with Jesus. We have to be willing to lay back and trust; to lay back and receive. Jesus didn't promise us this abundant, trial free life, rich with blessing and minimal struggle... This "life enhancement Jesus" being preached from pulpits today seems to far off. Last time I checked we were promised persecution if we truly love him. But that the key is to know him is to partake in his sufferings (of varying levels of intensity, for sure), because in the midst of this suffering we are like him, but we also are able to draw near to him and receive from him the love and joy and peace and happiness that comes from knowing him so deeply. We can be facing intense trial and still have joy. This is available to me daily. This is profound and supersedes the pain. In my deepest places of pain and struggle I have known the nearness of Christ in a way that has helped me know him so intimately, it became the deep well that I know I am able to draw from in my trials today. The Spirit reminded me of this on Sunday. This is available to me each day. Manna for each day. He is enough. His love is enough.