Right now, I am alone. For the most part. Jason has gone to pick up the straggler things left behind at his mother's house from Christmas (includes the dog). Noah and Shiloh are in the bed. Dakota is playing his XBOX. I am in the in between state of wanting to get comfortable and pour myself a martini, and having a head swimming with hormone fueled thoughts that beg to be written out.
Can I just say - DAMN I am SO glad Christmas is over. Yes, I know I was really trying to be optimistic about everything. I mean, I tried to get into the holiday spirit as much as possible. I refused to bah humbug. I listened to Christmas music. I cried listening to Christmas music. I did Christmas crafts with my kids. We started a new tradition. But you know what? I still cannot shake the feeling of relief that I currently feel that now it's all over and I don't have to do any of this again for another 363 days. Christmas is not restful, quiet, or spiritual at all for me. It is about my children, and that's it. I am in kid hell right now - I have a two year old, a four year old, and a twelve year old who just entered the sixth grade who has special needs I have no idea how to meet... I am fumbling, I do not have any idea who I am or where I am going. I am just stumbling through the darkness of the uncharted waters of parenthood and trying to just make it to the next morning. As far as how this all relates to this particular Christmas, it was mostly good, except for the 396,758 meltdowns that my two year old had from lack of sleep due to his Christmas Day nap being interrupted by my oldest son who slammed doors thirty minutes into his nap... and my oldest having meltdowns on both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day for a variety of reasons... I don't know. I don't want to relive any of it even for you, dear reader. I just put a slight damper on things and between that and other stupid crap the afternoon on Christmas Day was less than pleasant. It's just the age they're at I guess. Pfft.
So now we are done with all the visiting and present getting and stuff and my front room is filled with toys and stuff. And all I want to do is take a box of contractor bags to my house. I am ready to purge. To clean and declutter. I have too much useless crap. I can't stand it. I am a tidy person but the mini piles of useless crap... stupid crap toys from kids meals and pens that don't work and toys that I keep around because I WANT them to like them but know they will never play with and are just taking up space... all the piles... THE PILES of clothes that I am sure if I had less of I would end up with less laundry as a result... ugggggh I just can't STAND it anymore and we just brought in so much more stuff!! Can you tell I am hormonal? Yes. Yes I am and I am on a mission. No more holding on to stuff to try to sell it. It's time to get it out of this house. Out!
I am looking forward to starting over... to a new year. This last year has been less than ideal. I don't want to be in the same place we're in now next year. I want things to be different. I don't have much to pray for. All I say is "please, God"... and trust he knows my desires. I am tired. I am worn thin. I don't even know what I want to do or what should be different but I want hope. I want to have hope again. I want to be able to say our dreams and desires are attainable and within reach. I want to be able to say things are better and that we are taking hold of our future and making it happen. I want more for my son and the courage to help him. I want to be in a better financial position than before. I want to have a plan to get back into a place with a yard... that's all I want - a yard where I can just put my kids out in it and let them be and grow some food and flowers. I want to be able to go away with my husband for a couple of nights WITHOUT the kids and recharge and regroup. So many things I long for... simple but seemingly so out of reach.
And I shall end this as abruptly as I began. It's time for me to be done with this and go have a drink. My honey is home now and it's getting late, and we're here, not somewhere else tonight. We're home. Together. And for now that's all I need.
When guys get frustrated it's legitimate but when we get frustrated it's hormonal? From what I read you have every reason to be frustrated. Mothers are the foundation of our society and they get so little credit. Hopefully this new year brings some appreciation for you :) And some relaxation too.
ReplyDeleteHaha yeeessssss thank you for this justification. Much appreesh this morning. :)
DeleteHello! I agree with Yasmeen. I too, had a rough night. It's HARD with kids sometimes. I am a major introvert and I have two very active little girls under the ages of 2 1/2, and it wears me out some/most days. I'm so with you on the de-cluttering, just getting RID of STUFF, not even holding onto it for selling (my exact words to my husband). I'm just sick of it too, and I did a purging of toys two weeks ago...toys w/ multiple parts I was sick of picking up every time, toys they lost interest in, etc. And yes...more crap, from Christmas. We are trying to limit/be mindful of what we give them, but other people....they'll get them whatever they want. I didn't even let my daughter see/open three electronic toys from other people...they don't need electronic tea sets and another doll that does something "else/new." Sorry for rambling, but I hear ya...and there ARE rough days. Taking one day at a time is of utmost importance....along with a glass (or two) of wine ;) Hang in there mama...
ReplyDeleteXOXO Julie
p.s. I was going to share with you Matthew 6:34 (my favorite verse), but see, from just now reading your bio, you're familiar with it already :) funny
ReplyDeleteI just feel so isolated right now... kind of having a hard morning. Between the madness of the little ones and our life I don't feel connected to ANYONE. That is partially my fault and partially life's circumstances right now. The only thing I have much control over is my environment and so keeping it clean and tidy is about all I can do. one day at a time is all I got... If I had to take what I have from today into the next I would probably die.
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