bloggy-blog all stars: repost # 2: the power of acceptance from 10/11

Hey friends! I thought as part of my posts this week I would include a few reposts of YOUR favorite blog posts I've ever put up here. 

One of the most loved posts I ever shared was "The Power of Acceptance". I wrote this very candidly about some of my past and the things I was struggling with about what was facing us in our immediate future. It is pretty raw. It's good for me to see how far we've come. I hope it'll mean something to you to read it and connect with this space. 

Published on October 25, 2011

ac·cept

 verb \ik-ˈsept, ak- also ek-\

Definition of ACCEPT

transitive verb

1

a : to receive willingly ;accept a gift;b : to be able or designed to take or hold (something applied or added);a surface that will not accept ink;

2

: to give admittance or approval to; accept her as one of the group;

3

a : to endure without protest or reaction; accept poor living conditions;b : to regard as proper, normal, or inevitable;the idea is widely accepted;c : to recognize as true : believe; refused to accept the explanation;

4

a : to make a favorable response to; accept an offer;b : to agree to undertake (a responsibility); accept a job;

5

: to assume an obligation to pay; also : to take in payment; we don't accept personal checks;

6

: to receive (a legislative report) officially

intransitive verb

: to receive favorably something offered —usually used withof; a heart more disposed to accept of his — Jane Austen;

When I hit 25, I subsequently hit a wall. I was not making great decisions. I was dating Jason, We were desperately in love, but we were exactly living "right", or treating each other with much respect and our relationship was getting rockier. I was struggling between not wanting to be a part of the system, but knowing that I DID eventually want stability in my life, and have the house and the kids and all that. But I'd just left all that behind the year before, including my son for about six months (I let him go live with his Dad, and his Dad turned around and took him out of state... loooong story, very painful, I probably WON'T tell you about it sometime...lots of shame... but anyway). After my divorce, I sold my house very quickly and moved in with my Mom for six months, then into my own place near her for six months, and then moved yet AGAIN, this time to the city, where I lived in an amazing apartment in Buckhead (north of downtown Atlanta, but in the city), surrounded by wonderfully giving and precious gay men, who watched over me and took care of me....

During that year that I lived in that apartment, everything changed for me. It was an incredibly tumultuous year, struggling with my ex, the situation with my son, the situation with my living situation - can I say "situation" any more? It ended beautifully because I made GOOD choices - and Jason and I ended up engaged, my son came back, etc. Part of what helped me was that I sought counseling from this guy that had worked with my Mom for years, and with me and my ex for a time when we were trying to work through some hard stuff. He's really cut and dried, and will tell it to you straight. This was a different kind of counseling than I had sought before. In the past I'd gone to a Christian counselor who had helped me work through some spiritual issues, but what I was dealing with couldn't have been handled by one of those guys. I needed tough love from a native Italian New Yorker who could set me straight and help me get my head in the game, so that I could be sure my future was ultimately what I wanted it to be, and not the result of more bad and reckless choices rooted in a desire to be outside of the system, off the grid, out of the mainstream... basically I just wanted to smoke pot and be a flower child forever, but I realized I was growing up and needed to act like it, and I needed Jesus, and I needed to be a good Mom, and I needed to figure out this relationship with Jason because I loved him and I didn't want to lose him.

So, let me cut to the chase. 

Ed (my therapist, counselor, what-have-you - and I get all warm and fuzzy when I think of him) taught me about the power of acceptance. And he taught me about the power of making RIGHT choices. 

First - he taught me that I cannot waste any more energy trying to change, or experiencing anxiety and inner turmoil about, the things that I CANNOT CHANGE. Those things that are beyond my power to control, I need to release them BY ACCEPTING THEM. This is a universal truth and act that the result of which allows the subject of your anxiety to be subject to the consequences of itself in the universe (and I promise I am not being new agey, just hear me out...)... the universal/Biblical law of reaping and sowing... when we interfere by enabling something or someone, trying to change something or someone, we are actually keeping it from being subject to the thing that will shape it, mold it, cause it to experience the ripple effect of it's own existence, and thereby changing accordingly. 

When I failed to accept my ex for who he was, all of the good and the bad, etc (I won't say more than this, I want to be respectful), and failed to accept him, just as he was, not only was I personally bound up by fear and anxiety, but he was not totally subject to the result of his own choices in the spiritual realm. 

When I failed to accept myself, and the choices I had made that led me to the place where I was, I was unable to grow and move forward. This is otherwise known as DENIAL. Somehow within denial, we still strive and struggle, we don't completely ignore the thing we're denying, we still wake up and look at it like it just appeared there that morning, and we hadn't seen it before, and start trying to do the same thing over and over to make it go away, or cope with its existence, or whatever. It makes us look like we're not in denial about it, but really we are. 

However...

When we accept something/someone/something about someone:

We make a full and comprehensive evaluation of that person, good, bad, ugly, etc. We say, I don't want to change you, You are who you are, I accept you. I do not want to change you. I do not want you to change you. I release you, and simulaneously receive you unto myself, as you are, complete, whole, flaws, perfections, all of it. 

When we do the same with a situation versus a person, we examine everything that led us here, we step back, make a review of every detail, we check our emotions at the door, yet still acknowledge that they're there... and we realize that we are powerless to do anything about the past; the cumulative result of events, the history that is the now, and we breathe it in, breathe it out - it is what it is. 

So why am I saying all of this?

I think that one of the hardest things I am working through right now is just coming to a place of acceptance of things and people in my life... not trying to change them or the circumstances, not trying to cause something to be something it's not, just accepting it. I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW that if I can do this, I will have less anxiety, less frustration with myself and others, a greater level of contentment, allow myself to remain in the moment every moment of every day, and so on. 

In conjunction with this, as mentioned earlier, if the situation is something that I want to see change in, I ought to make RIGHT decisions, to ensure that the future - which is always a cumulative result of all of our choices - looks the way I intended it to look (free will) and is in accordance with God's will (which I believe is the path of peace... the wisdom of God brings peace).

So....

Here is a laundry list of things I am working on accepting right now:

1. We are going to be moving soon. Either we're going to lose our house, or sell it. Our kids and family will be uprooted. We'll be out of our comfort zone, as will the kids. This is going to be hard. It's going to happen. 
2. My son is different. I need to think in terms of a parent of an Asperger's child, and stop trying to fit him into the mold of a neurotypical child, accepting him for who he is.
3. It is less important for my house to be spotless than it is for me to spend quality time with my children. The house can wait.
4. It is less important for me to work on my blog or my shop than for me to spend quality time with my husband late at night. The blog and the shop can wait.
5. My ex may never change. Must learn how to pray for him. 
6. I may never ever have all the laundry done at once. I may always have two or three loads in flux at any given time. It doesn't matter - I need to accept that it doesn't matter. 
7. I may never be a B cup again. Yes, I am an A cup again, haven't been that since HIGH SCHOOL. Thank you, 40 months of breastfeeding, and to my babies for sucking the very life out of my boobs. 
8. I cut all my hair off. I did it. It's done. Time to accept it - stop mourning it, and be patient because IT WILL GROW. 
9. I cannot eat like a bird every single day. It's not realistic. 
10. It is going to be uber stressful and hard on days when I am home with the kids alone without Jason. Need to accept this and learn how to cope.
11. The floors will never be perfectly clean. There will always be dog hair everywhere.
12. My skin will never be perfectly clear no matter how old I get.
13. And speaking skin, the wrinkles have made their debut. It's all downhill from here. Beauty is fleeting. Accept it.
14. Must accept that my husband processed and works through things differently than I do. Not at my speed, not even close to the same way. His way is not wrong. It is what it is. The result is good.
15. This blog/etsy shop thing may take a looooong time to grow. Patience. 
16. Things may get worse before they get better. One day at a time.

What are you working on accepting?

Love, Brooke