an open letter to my husband on his birthday

Hey baby, 

I have been thinking about all the things I've been wanting to say to you... to have the perfect card and have all the time in the world to sit down and write in it all the things I have pondered in my heart towards you over the last several weeks in anticipation of your birthday and our weekend together... all the things I want to say, but our life right now doesn't allow the time for me to say... all the things I want you to know that I think and feel about you so that you have it to hold onto when we are missing each other, feeling distant and like ships passing in the night, as we are so often right now. 

I am thankful for the five or so years we had to be in the same house, same place, same time... do you realize that? Pretty much our entire marriage we've been working at home together, unemployed together... but together. Now that things have changed, gosh it just hit me the other day how much I miss just being near you. Not many people can say they can be around their spouse all the time and enjoy it, but I really, really love being with you. Every time we have a date night planned I get so excited... so eager to get all pretty for you and have your full attention and to give you mine. More and more I value our time together, even our nights on the front patio just hanging out and talking. Mostly I just love watching you talk about all the things you've been working on and seeing you come alive in a way that stirs my soul.

And I think for this year, that is the one thing I really wanted you to hear from me on your birthday... I am seeing a man coming alive before my eyes... something new and different is happening with you that I haven't seen before... watching you describe the crazy "God moments" that are being orchestrated for you to just walk into, your facial expressions and your smile as you talk about them... the confidence I see building in you that has come from the Lord fathering you, and giving you Gary, who I cannot even begin to adequately mention my thankfulness for the way that he is loving you and "fathering" you as well... Your heart... your broken and tender and moldable heart towards our God... oh my gosh I could just cry now thinking about how precious and beautiful and indescribably awesome it has been to see God working in you. As he keeps your heart soft towards him your strength and authority as a man and a father are growing. What a perfect and wonderful paradox that could only come from relationship with Jesus. 

I just want you to know something and don't you forget this... I AM SO PROUD OF WHO YOU ARE. I AM SO PROUD TO BE YOUR WIFE. I AM SO PROUD THAT YOU'RE MINE, THAT JASON HAMMEL IS MY HUSBAND AND MY BEST FRIEND. I still think you are the most handsome guy ... my heart still flutters when I talk about you and think about all that you are ... you are a better father than I could ever have asked for for our precious children and to Dakota, who you love as your own without question, you are humble and you examine yourself - and that's GOOD, but it doesn't mean your failures outweigh all the good and wonderful things that you do for our children. You've got the bedtime routine down better than I do now. You're amazing. In every way.

I am just so in love with you.

And your wrinkles. And grey hair. I kinda love seeing them both. They are well earned. You are so handsome (gosh). 

Happy 36th year, my amazing, wonderful, adorable, charismatic, handsome, tender-hearted, talented, loving husband. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! You're my best EVERYTHING.