growth.

Oh, hi there. How've you been? 

I am fine. 

I am not really sure what this blog post is going to be about. I am just here, writing.

I am currently listening to Bon Iver on Spotify (through my fancy iPhone headphones, which I just discovered have a little cute mic on the right side so we can talk hands free - actually, Jason and I tried it out just before I hit play), drinking a glass of red wine, across from my husband, whose face is full of expression as he watches Walking Dead on his laptop. This is my brief moment in time where I can write a post; where we've agreed to allowing each other media time to do whatever we want so the other can do whatever they want... hope that makes sense. 

Can I just say, he is so cute. I love his smile. I love his arms. I love his legs. I love him. Lord help me... the way I remember him sitting at the coffee shop when we were dating... legs pulled up into the chair, knees in the crooks of his elbows... eyebrows raised... still boyishly innocent in so many ways... I just love him. 

This past week we've been making an effort to keep the devices off when I get home from work, or after the kids go to bed... it's good. It's really good. I like discovering that actually we do have so much to say to one another when we provide the environment for things to be said. It's all about cultivation and commitment. When you've been together for awhile, you have to be intentional about your relationship. The layers are peeled back... you see the ugliest parts of each other. And when your mate is gone, you miss the deepest and most beautiful parts of them... the longing is intense and profound. It's funny that when you're in each others' presence you aren't able to see these things as clearly as when you were dating. And Jason and I had an intense love and attraction to one another during that time. It was electric. We couldn't be apart. We were desperately in love. And this hasn't really changed... except time wears away at the emotions, so that you feel less of that intensity and are forced to face the depths of the person you're with and to truly challenge love. This is where the rubber meets the road, folks. 

There was a blog post that I wrote and never posted about two or three weeks ago because it was one of those incredibly vulnerable ones, where I really opened up about what was going on in our life; in our marriage. We were in a dark moment... it was like a cloud of confusion was around us and we couldn't shake it. The importance of simplification coupled with intuition and grace during those times for couples like us who have a foundation of deep love and affection for one another and having had to fight to be together and overcome so many obstacles to finally being together is paramount and it helped us get through. I still have work to do. WE still have work to do. But recognizing that the brokenness and pain that sometimes wells up in our marriage most times has little to do with our own issues and has everything to do with pains and brokenness that preceded our relationship. It's hard to get there, especially when hormones are in the way. But practice makes, well, something... so we're working to get there. 

So I guess this post became the blog post I meant to write, but never did. 

And it's time to get off of this damn thing. I got a good lookin' man to hang out with; to sit on the front patio with and drink wine and talk and stuff. 

Goodnight.