where I'm at

from this weekend in TN. 

...it's been about a month now since we moved into this place... hard to believe - between Christmas and New Year's and our trip this past weekend + trying to unpack and complete unfinished projects around here + the kids starting school... totally a whirlwind. Plus, ya know, we live here, so regular day to day crap still happens, like two small children who like to make big messes, and lots of laundry for me to wash and fold, kitchen to cook and clean in. It's ridonkulous! Since the process leading up to this was so tumultuous and so many of you were so incredibly and overwhelmingly supportive... thought you might want to know where I'm at.

SUPERFICIALLY SPEAKING...

• Mostly done with the townhouse. Still down one bathroom, though the bathroom works. Garage does not exist as far as I am concerned, except for the washer/dryer and room to wash and dry. Still need to put faceplates on outlets, prime and paint the handrails/stair well, prime and paint another wall, hang curtains and such, send more crap to Goodwill, do something MORE with the dining room/entryway. The room I spent the most time on I never even go into (living room)... seriously. Like, never. I need to get my pots and rocking chair from the old house...
• The old house... well, that still needs to be dealt with. Among many, many other things, I still have greens in the garden to harvest and the beds to take down. 
• I am trying to decide if I should cut my hair a little to shape it up a bit better... cautious, as I do not need any more hair regrets this year!!
• I need to find the motivation to start climbing Kennesaw Mountain a few times a week. I'll be thankful when shorts season comes around... 
• How much do boob jobs cost again?
• Dakota and Shiloh started school last week - Dakota described his first day as "fantastic"... and seems to really be settling in. Shiloh too... she started preschool last week and seems to have made a friend named Grace. ;o) and she comes home singing songs from school, which is fine with me. 
• The dog that bit Shiloh is gone… got rid of him last week, in hopes he will be trained like he needs to be and find a good working home.
• I just scored these boots off Etsy!!
• I am falling in love with Justin Bieber. Don't judge me.

EMOTIONALLY SPEAKING...

• I am not a great mother when all three of my children are together. I feel stressed, mean and unfeeling. Am I the only one who just feels like she is surviving most moments when I am going it alone and don't have my husband around or available to help me? So many of you ladies out there seem to have a better grasp on mothering than I do. I am not good at this. I dearly love and adore them but GOD, they drive me bananas! It is really hard parenting my oldest! He is in another universe most of the time. He has Asperger's for those of you that may not know. He processes info completely differently than others. So I completely struggle all the time to get through to him what I need for him to do, in spite of the arguing, backtalk, cutting through his own thought life to get him to follow basic directions. Struggling.
• I am having a hard time with the fact that we still have no income and I feel so out of control of it. Primarily the whole insurance thing. Jason has been trying to get in touch with his old boss... no response... thank God he has work this week so we can stop pulling from our savings (from his recently earned 1st commission check) and actually use what he's making daily to pay bills. I am thinking about going back to work in some form or fashion... then thinking about trying to grow my shop and the blog a bit more... Bottom line is, we need income... and I look at my children’s' beautiful faces everyday and just wonder... how could I leave them? Something's got to give, though.
• I need B complex, a good Omega complex, more time in the woods and more self-discipline. 
• My little baby boy is a true joy though... I must say, he makes me happy. :o)

SPIRITUALLY SPEAKING: 

• Since things have settled down a bit, we’ve sat back and observed some interesting aspects of the lane we’re currently riding in. Something very specific has happened – we’ve returned to all things old and familiar. We are living in the home my husband grew up in, going back to the church where we first met years ago, and rekindling old friendships. Something struck me about this around New Year’s… what is the purpose of this place that we’re in now? I am feeling like we are to be tying up loose ends, as if to prepare for some other perhaps more drastic transition or change in the future. I don’t have a clue what that may be. I am just looking at the signs. I am trying to be responsive to them as well.
• Another interesting observation – we have no ties to anything right now. No real roots or attachments that would hold us back. Again, not much to say about this other than I am making note, and hoping that we will know what this means along the way.
• I am feeling a bit “congested” spiritually by the day to day demands of mothering. I don’t feel like a person, and I don’t get much down time to be myself, so I feel somewhat disconnected in my relationship with God and with others around me. I feel as if I am just a robot, moving forward through the motions every day, with no time to care for myself (my hair still looks like I just got out of bed, for instance). I don’t know what the solution is to this problem. The only thing I can think is that I need to take some good supplements and get outside more. Usually that does the trick… widens my perspective and brings me some peace. Time alone with God? I need that too. I am afraid I am turning into someone I will hate, or others will dislike, including my children.

So there it is folks, where I’m at.

Do you relate?

Love, B