on being candid and trust

(following photos from a season of my life of recovering from my divorce, trying to figure out who I was, and great pain)

I am in a funk this evening, and have been thinking about sharing it with you all. Simultaneously, I am in a sort of conflict about how much to share about my inner life, though writing candidly most certainly is a therapy for me. I realize that it is nearly impossible for me to hold in all that I feel and think about this life, because eventually, and at some point, according to my nature I will find myself spewing at the mouth about some kind of inner "thing" I have been experiencing to someone - more likely a close friend than anyone. Yet as I've grown older I've found a certain rein on my tongue ... mostly because I realize that my inner life is often in a great state of turmoil, and can be dark at times, and confusing even to me, and I am not entirely sure how beneficial this diarrhea of the mouth/mind/spirit will actually produce good fruit in others, and most definitely concerned for how it will help me in the end.

Make no mistake, my thought life is full of insanities, confusions, accusations, fears, loves, frustrations, questions, and then some. I can feel myself imploding sometimes under the weight of them, and so I know it's time to let it all out. But to whom? Is this the right venue for that explosion? Unraveling in front of God is to be in total safety, but I am having difficulty finding time for that. Unraveling in front of my husband is still one thing, and one thing that I am learning is not always a good thing... but unraveling in front of all of YOU is yet another... I don't want to fake it. It just doesn't work for me. I could spew all kinds of parts of me here... but will I?

Today, specifically, I am struggling with trust. I am heavily aware of my own insecurities. I am revisiting an idea and belief that does nothing but cause me to disintegrate from the inside out, follow rabbit trails of destruction and disorganization, and hatred. I don't know what to do with these feelings. I expect the day to day life and routines with the kids will wash away the intensity of what I am feeling at this very moment, and it will only resurface when this situation agitates me yet again, causing the dross of self-doubt to rise to the surface. I am afraid that there are absolutes that I cannot do anything about, though I wish that it weren't so. I am afraid that being vulnerable and honest only makes me weak, and even more vulnerable, and that feels so unsafe right now. I am afraid that I'm right. I know I am being vague, but I mean to be... there's no one involved that I'm afraid of hurting, these are just universal questions I have with regard to so many things, but I specifically mulling over them today when trust comes into question... my own inability to trust, not that any person has given me reason not to... but the absolutes of nature have.

There is no resolution to this. I plan to get comfortable in my pajamas and pour a rum & coke, read a little and then fade into the bed. Tomorrow is Monday. I have accomplished nothing that I had planned for tonight for my blog and my shop. I am feeling defeated and poor. I am feeling tired and inadequate. I wish I had more in me to give. I wish I was more.

Our distrust is very expensive.  

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough. 

~Frank Crane

You can as easily love without trusting as you can hug without embracing.  

~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com

You can only trust yourself... and barely that.  
~Paige Wilson