in the days of my youth

Not sure how to start this post...

Since Riverstone had it's summer camp thing going and since attending their "homecoming service", I have been kind of dealing with some stuff. Watching these teenagers all zealous and "on fire for Jesus" stirs up some real memories of 1) being that kid and 2) what it's like when all that fades and 3) what kind of thoughts/feelings/actions often follow when the fire fades... Also I have found myself struggling not to judge as a result of my own experiences. I was that on fire, zealous intercessor, propetic worship leader person, who lived in the Word, ministered to the homeless and was always looking for the next level with Jesus. I worked very hard to stay in that place after leaving New Life Church in Colorado Springs to move back to Atlanta with my family. Simultaneously I was in a relationship with someone who was very sick (mentally, emotionally and spiritually) who I had been separated from as a result of the move, and because I was so wrapped up in him and wrapped up in my works-oriented identity in Christ (though I didn't realize what I was doing was all works), when he was removed from my life, and when the church and my "support system" was gone, I fell away and began several years of "severely bad choices" (lol - can I say "severely bad"?) and yo-yo-ing with God. I am still struggling with some of the issues from that time as it relates to my spiritual walk... for instance, I have a very hard time having "quiet times" as I was so religious about them in the past. In fact, I don't really have them. I have a hard time cracking the Word, again, due to the religiosity surrounding it for me in the past. I am very critical at times of people's responses to worship, especially the teens I see going so nuts for Jesus. I see in their innocence and naivete they really do want to be sold out for God, but they haven't "lived" yet, and experienced the hardships and pain of life, and I fear for them that they will have their equal and opposite reaction and without the emotional high that inevitably comes from camps and all that, they will really, really struggle.

For me any maturity in me came from pain, and experiencing the pain of sin (which was not God's will, but is my story) which caused me to despise it and want to turn back to Jesus. Experiencing the shelter of the Most High in the great anguish of my soul, the blanket of His Love for me, as a shelter from the Accuser has bound me to Him. For me, in worship now, I don't beat myself up if I don't feel like dancing, or even singing, but if I want to and I feel like it, I do, and I try to follow the Spirit and see where he leads me, and go with Him. Am I sold out for Jesus? Yes, and I am bound to Him because I am desperately hopeless without Him. He is all that I/we have. I don't go to Him because I feel good with Him, though I do feel safe with Him, I go to Him because outside of Him it's just dark and ugly. Oh yeah, and I love Him. He rescued me.

Now... to the point of my post. I have felt a little "dry" lately, I guess feeling the works orientation rearing it's ugly head, feeling like I should be doing MORE so that he will come near me. But you know what, something broke the other day. We were driving to church listening to Kevin Prosch's "Kiss the Son". When I was that zealous teen God brought me to Kevin Prosch's music after I burned all my secular music and He moved me to a new level in worship. I would just get on my face and listen to Prosch's stuff, always ministered to deeply in worship and desiring more of Him. I love the brokenness of his heart (Prosch's), how open and raw and real he is. I admire that so much because so rarely do we all fall out and say "you know what Jesus, I am just a pile, I need you so bad, show me you love me, I want to be like you, but I am struggling so much!". In my naivete I had no idea what it meant to be broken, to be soured and scarred and hurting and desperate for Jesus. And honestly, I had avoided Prosch's music a lot in the past couple years because it reminded me of that time in my youth, and I felt a heaviness, like somehow all that time was false as I had fallen so hard and far away from Jesus for so long.

The thing is, Prosch's story is so beautiful and raw, and such a picture of redemption... I relate to him so much, and now that I am older and have walked a broken path and am on the other side and have the perspective that I have, I feel when he cries out, "I'm broken Lord, I'm broken Lord", or "my life is still so upside down, but you keep on coming, coming around, you keep on Loving, though I still let you down". So we were listening to Kiss the Son on the way to church, the song that talks about holding on to the hem of his garment... and I felt such a wave of the Spirit right there in the car... a softening of my heart, reminding me of how it used to be, how it is, how gentle and loving he is, that he sees all of me, and loves me still. It was like, Jesus validating it all. I can't explain. But there has been a release in listening to all the old stuff that used to stir me up... not that I would get myself into a frenzy for Jesus but that he gets me into a frenzy for him, my heart just won't let up, I need more of Him, I want more of Him. Sorta healing and pretty cool. Like, all that wasn't for nothing.

So here's a video of one of the songs I used to get on my face to...lol